The closet clean-outs of my eating disorder recovery journey were some of my most pivotal challenges as I regained physical and mental strength. At the beginning of 2021, this photo came up in a notification on my phone saying "on this day x years ago..."

It was a really fitting reminder at the start of this year that the most significant processes of healing, learning, and overcoming often make us feel hollow and devastated and entirely withered and frightened at first.

Trusting the process of grief and growth means that now, 10 years after my sickest months, I'm fully recovered!

2020 seemed like a big ol' closet cleanout for us all. And while l thought the pandemic discomfort would end in 2021, I also remember thinking "OK, this is the LAST time I'll clean out my closet". Inevitably, though, as I let my body take its natural form, clothes that once fit became triggering. They tugged in the wrong places and, at times, barely buttoned. The clothes that fit me BEFORE recovery needed to go...they were a constant toxic invitation for ED thoughts to return. Shedding these layers was BRUTAL... it felt like defeat, especially for articles of clothing that were sentimental. How do you discard your past?

I hung onto some items for a while, doing about 10 cleanouts total over the years. There are no reminders of my sick mentality these days. Everything in my closet now FITS my healthy body. Am I allllways confident enough to wear that crop top? No. But it's there in my size, and isn't triggering because I KNOW there have been times I felt beautiful wearing it. And there will more of those days down the line. There's no harm in saving it for a day I'm feeling particularly empowered. That's different than letting PAST expectations & norms dictate my CURRENT self-worth.

The discomfort of change doesn't mean we're growing in the WRONG direction. Sometimes the path to thriving feels mostly like breaking down at first.

All that said, maybe fall 2021 is the season we make our way outta the chaos labeled "new normal", which in reality never served me well. Maybe it's almost time to explore unfamiliar spaces of peace & possibility? Maybe not. But maybe yes. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Hang onto hope. These years are grueling, mentally & emotionally... I like to believe these days of tearful loss will lead into even more meaningful beginnings. A new phase of life.

#EDrecovery #MentalHealth #EatingDisorderRecovery #Survivor #humpdayhealing #IfYouFeelHopeless #Recovery #PersonalGrowth