EDrecovery

Dear Body, Dear Self
Over the years I’ve really put you through hell….i didn’t see it at the time but I do now. Not only mental hell, but emotional, and physical hell as well. I’ve broken you in so many ways and I’ve torn you down every chance I got. I was awful to you. You spoke back by medically breaking down and it was only at the point where you broke down the most that I could start to really listen to you. I know you had had enough.
We are in a better place now, it’s not perfect, I still sometimes ask you to look different, function different, but I know now how much you do for me and what your giving me each day.I can now see that it is because of you I’m able to walk, breathe, eat, sleep, hold hands with a loved one, laugh with children, help others. I’m learning to be okay with the way you look because of all the amazing things you do for me on a daily basis….things at one point I didn’t allow you to do.
We are getting to learn more and more about each other each day. I’m learning what I can and can not put in you for physical and medical reasons…you’re learning that it's okay to rest when needed. Our relationship after 20+ years is finally on the mend.
I would like our relationship to continue to grow…I want to, but I’m having a hard time trusting you right now. I have a hard time trusting that you know what to do with what I put in you, as that is something you’ve struggled with in part because of me. I’d like to be at peace with your physical appearance, and I think I need your help with that. If you could show me that you can still do everything you love in the body you’re in then I think finally we will be at a place of acceptance. But I do know in order for that to happen I have to play my part and give you the opportunity to do so.
I’m sorry for all that I’ve put you through, all the behaviors, the pain, the self hatred, but i”m glad we are learning how to coexist now in this new chapter of our lives.

Sincerely
Your Body, Yourself

#EatingDisorders #bodyacceptance
#MentalHealth #EdSheeran #EDrecovery

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#EatingDisorders #EDrecovery

I had my eating disorder appointment with my doctor yesterday, it was rough. He wants me admitted to the hospital on Monday because I’ve been restricting to 200-800 calories a day, with only 2 binge days within the last week and a half..I see him and my dietitian every 2 weeks. I also have been abusing laxatives and I told him that so I have to go in on Monday and I’m so nervous. I have atypical anorexia so I’m not sure what to expect and I don’t feel valid because I’m not underweight and I feel like they won’t take me serious because of that. I cry at every meal and I’m so scared someone will go off on me in the hospital because it’s so hard for me to eat but you can’t physically see the effects it has on me since I’m not underweight; I was at one point in my life when it first started but no one got me help. On top of that I’m type 1 diabetic so there’s going to be so much going on and so many people involved in my recovery and I’m just not sure I can handle it and my family probably can’t be there with me. Not to mention I don’t know if I’m allowed my phone or anything, and I can’t dial out on the phone in the room so if I have a breakdown I can’t even call my parents. I feel so alone, my family hasn’t been supportive and hasn’t even sat down with me so I can talk about how food makes me feel..they don’t even take me serious so why should the doctors.

This is my first post ! I am feeling very positive about finding this app and these communities. I just realized that I bought a bag of Oreos on Monday and they’re not gone yet.

Big win for me is that I have portioned them unknowingly. By growing in my recovery I was able to buy a trigger food and eat it “normally.”

I still worry that full recovery for me will not be possible, and that I will never have a normal relationship with food but celebrating wins like this help me see the forest through the trees.

In the recent weeks, I've made massive strives in my ED recovery. From having positive thoughts about my body to freely feeding my body whenever the hell I want. It's really felt like I was turning a new corner. But in the background of all the positive things happening in my own little world there's also been the crushing reality that my husband has been out of work bow for almost a month and our savings is dwindling day by day to survive. It's so difficult to focus on my own personal battle when there's a seemingly much larger and more important one happening all around me.

Then a ray of hope; my husband got an interview, then a starting date, then next thing I know he's at his new job. I would be over the moon if it weren't for the fact that I just learned his new schedule today. It makes it so that I will only have him here at home in the evening every other day and the rest of the time he'll be gone. Plus only one day weekends. I know we need the money and I know I should be supportive, but all I can think about now is how crushingly lonely I will be most of the time now. See, I'm not able to hold a stable job since we only have one car, and since the pandemic started, I'm no longer able to just go out anytime I want to via bike or bus and no place is open to just sit down in anyway. So when mg husband isn't here to take us places, I'm here at home.

Sometimes my anxiety gets so bad when I'm home alone that it literally feels like I could die. I feel so trapped and alone. And I'm finding myself more and more lately longing for and missing our normal life before 2020 hit. We had a routine, a life outside of home, friends. We were active and happy. I miss everything so much and the anxiety I feel when I think about the possibility that this may never end is absolutely suffocating. And now just knowing I'm left to my own most days feels like too much. I just want my life back. I want our life back. I don't want to be alone.

#COVID19 #Lonliness #Anxiety #Depression #EatingDisorders #EDrecovery