I have a big thing with memory and memories. I had #ECT and I believe I have trauma from it. It’s one of those memories that gives sharp feelings, from the bits I do remember.
Sharp feelings are what I get with the majority of things. Sharp happiness, sadness, anger, etc. I get rushes and strong feelings that can arrive all of a sudden. I work on regulating my emotions 24/7. I work on dulling some of the sharpness, so that I don’t have as painful of reactions.
I am incredibly triggered, which has filled me with sharp feelings and memory flooding. All of my mental dams break seemingly at once. I have to catch myself before I react in behaviors.
I want to be happy. I want to look at photos and have them fill me with joy. They do for a split second, I believe. Though it has to be like 0.00001 of a second.
I saw photos of me from a time that I was very sick, but everyone was so happy with me and how I looked. I finally liked me, but that feeling of liking myself would come in sharp bursts randomly. I had more bursts of extreme love for my looks that would crash almost as quickly as the joy I mentioned earlier.
The downside was when I didn’t have the random sharp bursts of good, I had long periods of confusion, self hatred, and extreme sadness. In the majority of time, I hated myself and couldn’t see what I truly looked like. When the bursts of happy came I saw one thing in the mirror but it would disappear as soon as I would recongnize that I was happy with my looks.
The mental gymnastics happen in fractions of a second. It’s peaks and pits constantly. It’s so draining that it takes your life. It does it as slow and painfully as possible, so why do I want it like someone wants drugs?
My stepdad found photos from my moms old iPad. They were of me dressed up for my Grandfathers wedding, and others were of me all dressed up before prom. I have not seen these photos since they were taken, or shortly thereafter.
I see them and am in shock at what I looked like. The feeling of seeing myself in these photos vs. what I remember thinking I looked like. I can’t even begin to explain..
I want it back. I want to look like that again so bad I could scream, but I know better. In February 2023 it’ll be 10 years since my college friends gave me a very traumatic (but probably life saving) intervention and told the college. February 2013 was when I first got any help for my eating disorder.
I can’t let the anger I feel due to people not believing I have an eating disorder anymore (due to weight gain and RECOVERY), ruin me.
I cannot go backwards because of those photos. I need to change the narrative.
You know, people REALLY underestimate the mental power we exude just to live minute to minute staying on the right track.
Boy am I tired.