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    Grief, Struggles, Depression (Wash Cycle Doesn’t End)

    I started my #Recovery journey in 2014 and I found a new way of life immediately. No one warned me the NEW was NEW Chapters of Life, Chapters which would not finish before the next starts….
    In 2014 I had to have a #lumpectomy from my right #breast .
    In the beginning of 2015 I was served #Divorce papers. By the end of the year we reconciled.
    In 2016 when I should be excited my eldest is graduating from High School, simultaneously my second born had to have #OpenHeartSurgery .
    In 2017 second born lost his first grandmother and I got to fly him from CA to ME to see her take her last breath.
    In 2019 I was the proud #homeowner with my #husband of 10 years. We were finally making the #americandream .
    In April 2020 I get a phonecall my father has had a #brainstemstroke I had to come home to Maine to assist with #lifeendingchoices .
    In May 2020 my Mother is diagnosed with #OvarianCancer .
    I am now temporarily living with my mother, being a #Caregiver , yet my #husband #mycaregiver #Abandoned me and then requested to take #fullcustody of #ourdaughter via the #Divorce .
    In July 2021 my Mother sadly passed away. I have become an #Orphan too quickly. #Grief and #Depression is all too real now.
    In March 2022, My second son has now come down sick. Doctors spend months trying to figure out why. It takes until July 2022 to diagnose him with #Sepsis #Endocarditis he spends 2 weeks #hospitalized and another 8 weeks on a #PiccLine at home.
    In Dec 2022 he is given a clean bill of health and decides to come live with me in #Maine .
    In Feb 2023 he starts to become tired easily, slight cough, and finally passed out in March.
    March 10th he passed out at home. We called #911 and the #localer #Misdiagnosed him.
    March 13th I took him to #mainemedicalcenter where he was hospitalized for 7 days with #Pneumonia and possible #Endocarditis where he was then transferred to #boston .
    March 19th upon arriving to #brighamwomanhospital - #shapirocardiovascularcenter he underwent dozens more blood testing, procedures, exams, etc.
    Today March 27th he is having #OpenHeartSurgery Number 2 to replace the pulmonary valve, pulmonary conduit, remove large vegetation.
    In a couple of days as scheduled I am also supposed to exchange visitation with my daughter so I can visit with her for Spring Vacation. However my ex is trying to knit pick about my schedule and if I have ample time to spend with our daughter while my adult son is in ICU. Our daughter is 11 years old.
    I really feel in the last multiple years I have had one catastrophic event after another without time to process.
    I have other things like major moves, loss of therapists, and other medical mental health issues. I am so exhausted today scared sick for my son.
    I am so annoyed how some people enjoy kicking others while they are down.
    I don’t even know when I am going to sleep again right now. I have so many thoughts, concerns, to do’s in my head - I can’t sleep it is going to drive me crazy.
    I am so sick of being in a chapter book that doesn’t let the chapters end.

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    What's Your Quirky Health Habit?

    We all live with different quirks, whether it be physical or mental health problems, there's a lot to navigate! So my question is - what is a funky health quirk you have?

    I'll go first. Sometimes when I feel like I'm going to pass out, I look at myself in the mirror because I want to see what I look like when I black out. Not that I'd even be able to watch it happen....because that's not really how passing out works. But still. I'm intrigued.

    Another one - when I have to take salt tablets for my POTS, I LOVE sucking on them. So much. They are delicious. I feel like a cow, licking a salt block but I don't even care. Bon Appetit.

    So how about you? Any funky quirks or confessions?

    #Spoonie #ChronicIllness #posturalorthostatictachycardia #POTS #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #PanicDisorder #Dysautonomia #Therapy #MyCondition #LivingWithPOTS #selfcare #Recovery

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    Remission is possible

    20 years struggling with bpd, 14 years of marriage , 3 years of therapy, 3 years in remission, 2 kids and one published memoir on my journey through recovery. Keep fighting. It’s possible ❤️ #Recovery #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

    5 reactions 3 comments
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    The Dog That Knew

    #CPTSD #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #Recovery

    CW: child abuse, suicidal ideation

    She knew before I knew.

    Long before the diagnosis came, she knew.

    Stealthy emotional flashbacks bound and throttled me.

    I didn’t know I was frozen in time.

    Freeze and flight were twin captors that caught hold of me when I was born.

    Generational trauma. Immediate trauma. I was in a prison I didn’t understand, much less realize that I was a resident of it. I was told to forget the violence that terrorized me. A photo taken when I was about five shows the desire for death in my eyes. That was the girl who opened the door while the car was in motion, long before child-locks and car seats were common. I understood the contempt that loomed over my existence.

    A chance offer to adopt a ballerina of a dog arrived as I was getting divorced 20 years ago. She was demanding, peculiar, and needed to be tucked in just so every night. If her bed wasn’t perfect, she’d toss the covers back, come find me, and stare until I followed her back to her bed and tucked the blankets around her perfectly. The princess and the pea, only with dog beds.

    As I self-medicated and dissociated for years in my fortress of solitude, she clung to my side when I was shutting down to the core of my soul. She rested her chin on my shoulder when I cried on the floor. She lay by my side after I had knee surgery, resting her face next to mine.

    Her rare barks were reserved for squirrels and moments when she sensed I was regressing and needed protection.

    Her spirit left me years ago. I’ve lived in a dogless house for 15 years. A new companion has arrived. He’s older and set in his ways. He too is peculiar and demanding, and he likes his blankets just so. He has his own emotional quirks, so we get along just fine.

    He prefers rabbits to squirrels. The rabbits tease him on the other side of the fence, popping up and bouncing away at a leisurely pace. He's a real-life Scooby Doo, a big brown dog with a blue collar who’s mostly a chicken and is a thrall to scooby snacks.

    He doesn’t have her extrasensory power to sense I’m upset before I realize it myself, but he does ground me to the earth. We go for our walks and immerse ourselves in nature by keeping a sharp eye out for bunnies in the back yard.

    They see into us in ways that aren’t obvious, but they’re true. Sometimes they know us better than we know ourselves, and it’s healing to think that my ballerina of a dog was reassuring me when I needed it the most.

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    When your sick and tired of being sick and tired

    #Fibromyalgia #Fatigue #Pain #BackPain #ChronicFatigue #ChronicIllness #suffering #CognitivelyDisabled #Pyhsicallydisabled #FibromyalgiaSucks

    We are so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Not having energy to do life. Not haveing the ability to do life. Living codependent and not independent. We are so frustrated sad fed up miserable we are not able to do what others do. In some cases IT is a blessing you have no 9 to 5 cause you can’t work. You have no significant responsibilities cause your not reliable. You have no commute or co-workers to deal with. An ungrateful supervisor or boss to report to. On the flip side you can’t even handle basic vehicle maintenance cause you can’t be outside in the cold or you get a chill. Further you are not able to drive anywhere anyway cause the stress of driving and travel on your body causes severe fatigue pain and you don’t enjoy yourself being out in public.

    At this point if IT were possibly you would like to work remotely like built websites or programming. Yet you have such brain fog or you are not able to focus and you have several fatigue issues with mental focus. So you can really just barely concentrate on your needs to do to keep you alive. You even forgot to pay you bills or get back to that email. In fact you don’t even know what day IT is until you look are your phone.

    Then you go to mindfulness classes or CBT sessions and chronic pain centres where they tell you you can get some relief if you change you thinking or if you meditate 🧘‍♀️ and or do stretches and physiotherapy movements. This is a journey to mental health and body recovery ❤️‍🩹. You continue to do so and when you go and do you feel good yet 1 to 2 hour sessions drain you drastically because your done for the rest of the day.

    Try going to watch your children at a sporting event for a few hours only. To spend the rest of the day on the couch with a heating pad.

    We know there is someone out there that this is speaking to. We know you are going through this too.

    HSP Highly Sensitive People are so sensitive that environmental and social interactions completely drain us. We would love to go and go like the rest of the world. However if your a HSP you have to hibernate and recharge before going out again.

    Please don’t give up there must be a cure there must be a way we can get better ❤️‍🩹.

    Once able to work 60 hours a week. Once able to work look after children and house with a partner. Now just barely managing us. There must be a way. Heck they are transplanting new nerves into people who are stuck in a wheelchair so they can walk. You can’t tell me that IT is not possible to cure this cause world governments came up with a vaccine 💉 for Covid there must be a way to correct Fibromyalgia.

    So if your still reading this and IT hits home cause someone you know has this Chronic Condition. Please please tell them do not give up.

    You matter you are important you are worthy you are not alone you are valued and loved.

    Please write ✍️ please post there are so many people who suffer from this.

    Please keep the faith God can heal anything.

    Please help our community so we can help others with this condition.


    16 reactions 2 comments

    Healing Step ✨

    I am allowed to take with me the good times too ❤️ They are a part of my experience as well….and have shaped who i am today. I don’t need to feel shame or self-anger for reflecting on the good times i had with them. i can take the good with the bad & use it in my story as well.

    Romans 5:3-5: “because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

    #CPTSD #PTSD #Healing #Recovery #Forgiveness #selfforgiveness #growth #strength #character #Hope #perseverance #godseesyou

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    Does IT get better ❤️‍🩹

    #Recovery #Striving #Surviving #thriving #Hope

    So this is for you out there we don’t know what your going through. Today we wanted to say hey IT is what IT is isn’t IT and NO IT is not ok and that is ok. You are allowed to show your feelings you are allowed to express yourself and share your feelings. This is all hard for all of us and we are all extremely tired and exhausted from everything that happened and is happening.

    The one message we would like to convey is you are not alone you matter you are important and yes you are worthy!

    This is a message of Hope don’t opt-out don’t punch out don’t give up you are so much more then what you are going through.

    You never know who your going to help or who will help you we are helping because people have helped us.

    ACT DBT CBT EMDR Mindfulness +++++++

    Sometimes IT takes so much just to find out what how why when where that you never new or was aware that people care.

    You know what get up get out of that toxic fish tank and get into a fight or flight for you as you are the only one that can save you. Sorry tough love we had to say IT.

    When you are surrounded by therapy and supports be IT a virtual therapist, peer group or even a volunteer commitment you change the equation of you.

    So if you can change the equation you can escape the loop. If you escape the loop you can do so many different things that are good for you.

    Look we know this is for someone out there…

    Maybe your drinking maybe your smoking maybe your coping just to get to tomorrow using or even being abused. We send our hugs cause you can survive and you can get out. We won’t lie IT is very hard. Sometimes you need a 6 month break that’s an option. Yes you are putting life on hold and yes things may fall apart but is not everything already falling apart if your in this situation? Personally this road has been travelled. The point is don’t give up don’t surrender don’t give in cause you never know who is out there.

    Someone needs to hear this message you perhaps or maybe a connection that is going through IT.

    We would like to send hugs big hugs cause you can do IT! Yes you can! God Said so with help. So that means you don’t have to do IT alone.

    We ask you to consider if you choose your present who can you help? If you choose to continue who will need you to be there for them in there time of need. A total stranger in a store a parking lot walking on a street or even in a support group. Someone somewhere needs you.

    We hope this helps someone know you are appreciated you are valued and yes you are missed.

    We send #Love #Support #Hugs }{ #ChronicDepression #suside #Anxiety #Addiction #ChrinicPain #Divergent #Diversity #ADHD #ASD #Autism #Fibromyalgia #BackPain #ChronicIllness #MentalHealth #illness

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    What’s your #1 tip for healing in recovery?

    Recovery — no matter the type — looks different for everyone. It’s in no way linear. Different days may require different resources, tactics, and support, that’s totally valid and OK to experience.

    If you could give any advice or tips for healing in recovery, what would you share? What has been the most beneficial for you?

    Sending over lots of love today. We’re always rooting for you!

    💌 Need a relatable story? Checking out Colleen Bartlett’s story may be helpful! Read it here:

    #CheckInWithMe #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Recovery #EatingDisorders #EatingDisorderRecovery #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #SubstanceRelatedDisorders #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Selfharm

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    Living Amends #Codependency #Healing #Recovery #Bipolar #Depression #MightyPoets

    Sometimes, she makes mistakes, forgets her meds or just wakes up feeling scared and uncertain, pain and uncertainty overtake her.

    Friends grow weary, old lovers wonder what happened and how did agreed upon friendship flip to insanity?

    It’s hard to be human. It’s hard to make mistakes. But with faith and love she rises up back from the ashes, and searches to see what friends remain, who still has her back, and what around her has not yet been totally destroyed, by the ‘her’ that was not her.

    Faith and love remain, for everyone.. that may still receive her love, and quiet respect remains for those who do not.

    Nobody owes her their forgiveness… nobody owes her the right to be part of her life… but she owes them the right to choose, the right to be, and the right to move on however they choose.

    For in an act of living amends, she is writing this as an apology to all, whom she has hurt, disregarded, or otherwise shut out through her moments of unhealthy being. May you be well. May you be healthy. May you be happy. May you be blessed. Amen.

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    ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨💓💓💓💖💖🥰🥰🥰😀 #Love #Trying #Recovery #illness #thriving #struggling

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