Right now I’m ok, I guess I’m ‘choosing’ to be ok, or deciding to focus on the parts that are ok. Even though nothing has changed externally, my situation remains the same, but I’m ok, because none of what’s hurt me was about me, sure I’ve made mistakes as every person does as we live and learn but what others did to me was more than a mistake, it was cruel, it was abuse, most of it was intentional, it was damaging, it was wrong and it should never have happened but the fact that it did is about them, not me! Yes, I was the one vulnerable to it all, I was the one who couldn’t protect herself, but these are not things I should be blaming myself for, most of the abuse and assaults happened in my childhood, any child would be vulnerable and struggle to protect themselves, it wasn’t a personal flaw or something I did wrong. I survived it all in the way my brain and body decided was best for me in the moment and each time that response was to freeze; be still, be silent, dissociate. I’ve been viewing myself as weak for doing that, but it wasn’t a ‘choice’, it was automatic and it’s purpose was to help me get through really distressing situations that I was unable to run away from or fight my way out of. I did everything I could have and I need to stop beating myself up for being human, for being a victim in the past, and for finding it all so hard to heal from. I am feeling like it’s unfair that I have to heal from it all, I don’t want to have to do so much work on myself or recover from all the things others did. I want to be free from it all, not have to heal from it. So yeah, I am sad, I am angry, and there’s a whole load of grief to untangle when I’m ready but I’m ok. Me, who I am, in my internal world - I’m ok!
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Recovery #MentalHealth #Trauma