lifeless

I’ve been in this same stupid depressive episode for SEVEN months now… I’ve lost EVERYTHING. My home I worked so hard to buy is about to go to foreclosure and I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to box up and remove my family’s belongings to put in storage. My car is paid off so I have that but it desperately needs repairs I can’t afford. I haven’t worked since December and I’m flat broke. I’be been staying with a family friend for the past 4 months because I can’t bare to stay at home with all the memories of who I once was. My 9 yr old son has been staying with his grandparents because I can’t even take care of him. Everyday is only a day of survival. I’m not living… at all. The days are all the same. I wake up with immense dread, anxiety, depression, and above all guilt. I hate the days as I can’t do anything but sit here. I welcome the nights as I can finally go to sleep and dream… in my dreams I feel normal and all is ok. But as soon as I open my eyes, reality is there to remind me of everything I am or better yet all that I’m not and all that I’ve lost. I miss being alive. Most of all I miss being a mother. I’m scared I’m stuck like this forever. I don’t see an end. 7 months… of this. Of hell. Of misery and pain. The darkness has won. It’s swallowed me whole. I’m paralyzed and stuck in this awful rut of survival. I’ve lost everything. I’ve lost my entire life. I’m now a shadow of once was. I didn’t deserve this. Out of nowhere my life was taken from me… just ripped away. All to friggin depression… and I don’t see any way out.
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #hopeless #depressiontookmylife #thereisnolight #lifeless #idontdeservethis

#Lupus

I don't want to be 'ME' anymore.
I feel like a caged bird in my own mind & heart.

Ever since I was very young, my parents made decisions for me. I was diagnosed at 10yrs old with ADD & learning disabilities; (Central Auditory Processing Disorder & Discalula), so the need to compensate for my already evident daily challenges, my parents "took care of things" for me". To "help me" not make mistakes & provide a buffer in disappointments. This kind of "support" continued on into my teens & adulthood. When the need to start making my own decisions came into play, it all left me feeling very overwhelmed, confused and often asking others for approval & validation on making my own rational & wise decisions. The way my parents showed their "support & love" just set me up for a lifetime of failure & disappointments in myself. It ate at my self-esteem & abilities to be & feel responsible for myself. The yearning of being respected & valued for knowing how to make the "right" decisions for MY life has always hung over my head, yet out of reach. Even now, at 40 years old, I've been suddenly placed in a position to purchase a new, but used vehicle. I asked for some advice from my parents on what things I ought to do to prepare myself. Now, the advice that is often given, whether asked of them or not, is like a silent agreement to take & tollow their advice.  If I refuse to agree with them, their body language speaks volumes even though, they say "....but, you're right, it's your decision after all". It comes across as a passively-aggressive approach to getting me to do what THEY THINK is "only best for" me. So, no matter how hard I try to establish boundaries, how often I have tried to tell them that they need to let me make my own decisions even if it means me having to deal with the "consequences", most often than not, my feelings & decisions are discredited, not respected & ultimately sends me into the dark corners of my mind; I retract into that little girl in my childhood that was apparently unable to be responsible for herself.

My energy levels are depleted. My mind, body, feelings don't "really" matter. Unfortunately, it's not just my parents that evoke these feelings within. My younger brother & sister, both discredit my feelings & decisions on things. I have felt lke an outsider in my own family. This has been the revolving door throughout my life & I want off of this not-so-Merry go-round. I should have never been born.

#outsider #aloneinthedark #timetopurge #Depression #lifeless #sadmigraines #selfloathing #unworthy #Decisions #iwantout