Hey, everyone. I'm a bisexual woman in a same-sex relationship. I've been dealing with ROCD since me and my girlfriend started dating. At first I thought it could be a lack of chemistry or affection, but then I realized it simply couldn't be normal that anyone suffered that much with intrusive thoughts and guilt. It was clear I didn't want to end the relationship, but those "what if" questions wouldn't leave me alone.
Well, we've been together for 1 year and 8 months, and she's pretty much everything I've always wanted. Still, almost everyday I find a new reason to feel guilty, ashamed or unworthy, usually thoughts. Last weekend I threw my birthday party, which is something that makes me very excited. In these occasions, I like to dance, to sing, to be silly, and I won't deny I love being the center of attention. My gf is the complete opposite: she's shy, calm, not very talkative and gets jealous of me very easily (and here I have to say, so do I). On my party, I danced like crazy, and I obviously felt some eyes on me, especially from men. It made me feel hot, beautiful, and made me wanna dance even more, while my girlfriend was there on the corner and not even trying to participate. When it was over, I felt like shit. Like I had betrayed her, like I was a bad person for liking that attention I got. I didn't do anything disrespectful or explicit, I almost didn't interact with those men tbh, and still I felt like I had done something very wrong. She didn't start a fight, but when I tried to address the subject, it felt like it wasn't enough. Like I needed to be punished for those actions. She's kinda upset, it's very clear, but I guess she's trying to be supportive of my ROCD difficulties, and that's why she didn't react poorly.
Sorry for the huge text, but the point is: do I have any reason to feel ashamed or guilty? Is this ROCD trying to make me believe I don't deserve the relationship I have, trying to make me question everything over and over? Am I trying to achieve a level of perfection that no human being could possibly have?
Thank you all.
#ROCD #Guilty #unworthy #anxious