liveloved

As the night fall comes illuminating the views with shades of the sunset aglow, dancing just above the rolling mountain tops...it is now my mind begins to flow...to wonder...to dream a new day...

Hoping for a tomorrow, visions of happiness, joy, life beyond...Beyond this place I'm stuck in...

The evening seems a little quieter still, if that's even possible...only creaks of the house will I hear...

Followed by the evening sights & sounds of nature...Lightening bugs dance...Crickets chirping, rustling of the brush, with squirrels, deer, rabbits..

Nature without a hint of human existence.

The days seem to simultaneously flash by in slow motion...Into the night...

Day in day out, the phone never rings, the only time it gets its use is when I reach out to others..Or spam...

I wonder if they'll want to call when they no longer can...I wonder if they'll think of me like I think of them...I often wonder how the knot that tied us together shredded so easily after I became ill...

Was I only worthy when I was able to do everything for them? Was I only valued for what I gave and not for who I am? To them?

I often dream to be someone worthy of them, but that someone is not me...

No matter what the future holds, I know Ill always be remembered as the "woman" that loved & gave with her whole heart...and never asked for anything in return...I didn't ask, I didn't expect...

Here Im left piecing myself back together...

Without regret, learning to love myself

Love with your whole heart, not bits & pieces..

#ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Depression #Anxiety #conqueryourmind #Ileostomy #Trauma #liveloved #Kindness #Loveothers #givegrace

Labor Day... While many families get together over this weekend (as we used to do).... I find myself longing for those days, yesterdays. Back when life was busy with our children, our family, BBQs, get togethers...Normal Life....

Time escapes so quickly, time has a way of redirecting our lives, shattering "normalcy" as we once knew. Children grow up, they move out, they move away, become independent, start families of their own...while we raise our children to become adults, the emptiness of our homes silence can become "deafening." Add into a silent home miles in between us, sporadic grandparenting, along with an unexpected illness....Our lives expectations have been redirected onto an unknown path leaving scars, trauma, loneliness, heartache, loss of everything so familiar for decades, in the wake of its path.

As I travel this journey alone, sometimes my heart just aches for yesterday. For a semblance of belonging, a sense of purpose, anything....

Anything resembling a hint of normalcy....

In a life where everything has changed, there I remain.

Pieces of me....

Scattered...

Left Behind....

Left to love from afar...

Cherishing those short infrequent conservations, lingering on every word, silently begging for a few more minutes....Of time...Time....

Time I so desperately miss......with them....

Is it truly the time I miss or the past full of treasured memories?

Memories of what was....What will never be again....

Then I sense that old familiar feeling, the creeks of this old house, the smells, the sense of wonder awaiting in this ever changing world....

My mind stops in that moment, reminding me....

Our purpose in life changes....

Sometimes without our permission yet always with redirection.....

And always on time....

This is my time... Im allowed this time to heal, to replenish all that I gave away, to piece myself back together, a reminder "Im" worthy of time... Of love....

Protection, redirection disguised as rejection...

Our minds are often fickle...More often our own worst enemy.

Guard your mind, your thoughts, what you allow yourself to believe...

Take captive those thoughts that dont serve you positively, those that dont add value, the lies.....

No matter where you are....You are worthy...

Regardless of your circumstances.....You Matter....

Even when you dont feel it.... You are loved......

#liveloved #Trauma #Ileostomy #ChronicPain #Depression #checkinonme #ChronicIllness #conqueryourmind