Ileostomy

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    Today…. Today I woke up in pain… Not the mental pain of losing your health…. No the physical pain which then turned on mental and emotional pain…. The baggage…..The remorse…. The regret….
    All surgeons happily grab a knife and promise a quality of life beyond the former life you had… When that fails to come to fruition you’re left with regret… Anger…. Sadness…. Deep seeded sadness….
    Quality of life, lack of…. But I started out in one piece, not a butchered mess…
    Now I have a bag, a permanent ileostomy bag… I accepted this life in hopes of a quality of life…. Now I’ve traded one problem for many many more…. Not even mentioning the sacrifices I make daily… Daily… Every day my life is timed…. A time to eat, a time to drink, a time to travel, time to shower, time to change my bag…. Nothing….. Absolutely nothing is spontaneous or untimed….
    I miss having health problems in one piece… At least then I could deal with one problem…. What I wouldn’t do to turn back time…. To undo what has been done… It’s permanent…. No longer a surgical candidate…. They’ve ruined me this time…. Permanently…. I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m tired of trying to live this life…. Life is hard enough…. Then add medical negligence that has ruined your life and any hope you had…. Hope is no more…. There is no more hope… Only a shell of the person I once was, and regret…
    Doctors aren’t Gods, they don’t care what they’ve done, they don’t walk in our shoes, the very shoes they’ve ruined…. And once they’ve ruined you, they walk away, they go back to their lives, the ones we pay for when we trust them…. We trust them to do what they say…. When it doesn’t come to happen, they walk away, they don’t need you anymore…. And they’ve ruined your life….
    I will take my last breath knowing this surgeon lied…. And then, just like that, after ruining my life, my body, any semblance of normalcy…. They leave you worse off than you ever were before…. And they mow it!

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    Reflection over this medical journey I’ve faced is laced with pain, questions, questions of why… Why does our medical system continue to fail me? Why am I dismissed because I’m not a text book case? Why are doctors so ready to treat symptoms without proactively trying to find the cause of pain?
    Almost 8 years ago I started this journey, with hope, determination, being my own advocate only to end in this place of more questions than answers, surgically botched and left to endure no quality of life, after promises of better quality of life.
    Subtotal Colectomy with IRA…. Failed…. Permanent End Ileostomy…. Ending in severe internal rectal pain…. This is not normal. I’ve endured procedures for symptom relief without success, I’ve been given medication upon medication for symptom relief without success. So when does our medical professionals decide to proactively work to find the cause of our pain instead of treating symptoms? Of course I’ve had conservative testing which showed mild causes…. Never has a doctor approached a proactive decision to find the true cause of my pain. I’ve been dismissed, I’ve been failed, I trusted in our medical system and found the US healthcare is worse than a third world country. Europe, the UK, Egypt all have more progressive doctors that treat the patient as an individual, unlike the US treats Americans like a herd of cattle, herd’em in and herd’em out. Never did I dream I would be an American unable to find quality healthcare.
    It is my mission until my last breath to make a change, to advocate for better healthcare for all Americans, to fight against our medical neglect to be a voice for all of us that remain unheard. This is not acceptable in America. We deserve better, we pay for better, and yet we receive neglectful healthcare, we receive pills instead of answers, band aids instead of solutions.
    As I sit here running out of options, I’m reminded I’ve fought this fight, I will continue to fight and I pray for all of us facing neglect from our healthcare system that we may somehow band together to make changes, to get the healthcare we deserve and pay for.
    To say this hasn’t affected me in every way would not be true. Physically I’m botched from surgeons only to happy to pick up a knife, promising a better quality of life. Only for them to go AWOL when complications aris and I’m not their text book success story. Mentally and emotionally I feel rejected, dismissed, failed, unworthy..Due to doctors not taking my condition seriously, being proactive, basically just sent home with more debt and no answers.
    But as long as I have breathe I will continue to fight. We all deserve better!

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    When the Darkness Falls

    As the night fall comes illuminating the views with shades of the sunset aglow, dancing just above the rolling mountain tops...it is now my mind begins to flow...to wonder...to dream a new day...

    Hoping for a tomorrow, visions of happiness, joy, life beyond...Beyond this place I'm stuck in...

    The evening seems a little quieter still, if that's even possible...only creaks of the house will I hear...

    Followed by the evening sights & sounds of nature...Lightening bugs dance...Crickets chirping, rustling of the brush, with squirrels, deer, rabbits..

    Nature without a hint of human existence.

    The days seem to simultaneously flash by in slow motion...Into the night...

    Day in day out, the phone never rings, the only time it gets its use is when I reach out to others..Or spam...

    I wonder if they'll want to call when they no longer can...I wonder if they'll think of me like I think of them...I often wonder how the knot that tied us together shredded so easily after I became ill...

    Was I only worthy when I was able to do everything for them? Was I only valued for what I gave and not for who I am? To them?

    I often dream to be someone worthy of them, but that someone is not me...

    No matter what the future holds, I know Ill always be remembered as the "woman" that loved & gave with her whole heart...and never asked for anything in return...I didn't ask, I didn't expect...

    Here Im left piecing myself back together...

    Without regret, learning to love myself

    Love with your whole heart, not bits & pieces..

    #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Depression #Anxiety #conqueryourmind #Ileostomy #Trauma #liveloved #Kindness #Loveothers #givegrace

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    Monday Mood

    Labor Day... While many families get together over this weekend (as we used to do).... I find myself longing for those days, yesterdays. Back when life was busy with our children, our family, BBQs, get togethers...Normal Life....

    Time escapes so quickly, time has a way of redirecting our lives, shattering "normalcy" as we once knew. Children grow up, they move out, they move away, become independent, start families of their own...while we raise our children to become adults, the emptiness of our homes silence can become "deafening." Add into a silent home miles in between us, sporadic grandparenting, along with an unexpected illness....Our lives expectations have been redirected onto an unknown path leaving scars, trauma, loneliness, heartache, loss of everything so familiar for decades, in the wake of its path.

    As I travel this journey alone, sometimes my heart just aches for yesterday. For a semblance of belonging, a sense of purpose, anything....

    Anything resembling a hint of normalcy....

    In a life where everything has changed, there I remain.

    Pieces of me....

    Scattered...

    Left Behind....

    Left to love from afar...

    Cherishing those short infrequent conservations, lingering on every word, silently begging for a few more minutes....Of time...Time....

    Time I so desperately miss......with them....

    Is it truly the time I miss or the past full of treasured memories?

    Memories of what was....What will never be again....

    Then I sense that old familiar feeling, the creeks of this old house, the smells, the sense of wonder awaiting in this ever changing world....

    My mind stops in that moment, reminding me....

    Our purpose in life changes....

    Sometimes without our permission yet always with redirection.....

    And always on time....

    This is my time... Im allowed this time to heal, to replenish all that I gave away, to piece myself back together, a reminder "Im" worthy of time... Of love....

    Protection, redirection disguised as rejection...

    Our minds are often fickle...More often our own worst enemy.

    Guard your mind, your thoughts, what you allow yourself to believe...

    Take captive those thoughts that dont serve you positively, those that dont add value, the lies.....

    No matter where you are....You are worthy...

    Regardless of your circumstances.....You Matter....

    Even when you dont feel it.... You are loved......

    #liveloved #Trauma #Ileostomy #ChronicPain #Depression #checkinonme #ChronicIllness #conqueryourmind

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    Sunday… A day of rest. A day of reflection.
    Remind yourself of the victories over the past week; small or big.
    Remind yourself to reflect on the “Big” picture.
    Those obstacles we face may seem overwhelming in their entirety but….
    We’re only asked to live moment by moment.
    Break down your days into moments.
    Future plans are great; don’t let them derail you from this moment.
    Take time to do something you enjoy, even if it’s a small block of time. Get up and show up, however that looks like in your day. Show up for yourself. You deserve it! Learn to be a little kinder to yourself, it doesn’t happen overnight so take steps today to start loving yourself regardless of your circumstances.
    Circumstances out of our control are inevitable. Feelings and emotions are fleeting. Find the love for yourself “outside” of circumstances, emotions, or feelings.
    Never look for happiness as an end goal. Happiness is a feeling, therefore fleeting based on circumstances, feelings or emotions.
    Strive for contentment; it’s permanent.
    Remember the obstacles you face are yours.
    Don’t allow comparison yo minimize your situation. Comparison can minimize your circumstances, therefore minimizing your feelings. Your feelings are yours and they are important!
    Allow yourself to feel your feelings; we can never heal from trauma if we don’t allow ourselves to feel.
    Most importantly;
    Whatever your day looks like, today. Take time to love yourself a little more today. Accept “your” normal, even if it’s a little harder than your envisioned.
    I’ve found the more I accept my normal…. is “not” normal, any day, the more I learn to be a little kinder to myself. Comparison brings me sadness, pain, and a whole host of emotions that can steal my entire day.
    All I have is this day, this moment…. The more I realize this, the more I find contentment even in the overwhelming circumstances.
    I’m broken, I’m flawed, I’m most times more than I can handle… moments are easier to move through.
    Today, I choose contentment.
    To see the silver lining.
    To love myself.
    To be a little more patient, a little kinder, and a whole lot more loving, to me.
    In these times I realize, I matter, I’m important and if I don’t choose to love me…
    Then who will?

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    As my mind goes; I will follow. Taking captive those thoughts that no longer serve me, with diligence and intention.
    Alone in my mind I can go wherever I want; it’s easy to get lost. In those feelings, the emotions of what was, what I envisioned life to be…. Lost, yearning for that normalcy, that person I once was, carefree and full of life.
    She is gone…
    Yet her heart, her heart remains. Pure, untouched, unconditional, free to give. A gifted talent.
    Surely as my heart has been broken, damaged, ripped to pieces, stripped of hope time after time; it continues on, untouched….
    A heart so pure so full; continues loving those that have left it shattered.
    After all these years, all these tears, all the emotions a heart riddles itself with… she just keeps giving the very best she can give.
    So tonight as I look upon the stars ⭐️ I’ll think of those near and far. I’ll lay me head to rest tonight, in quiet slumber, in my dreams I’ll see the woman I used to be. I’ll remember beauty only runs skin deep…. that outward beauty may be gone…. Yet this heart,,, this heart of love beats on…..
    Goodnight Moon 🌙

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    In this very moment, I don’t know where you are, I don’t know where you’re going to and I don’t know where you’ve been. I do know in this moment; you are here….
    & if you’re reading this…. In this moment you’re right where you’re meant to be.
    We may walk different path, we may face different challenges, yet we’re here together. Tied together by a common thread… illness(es) No other person will ever “truly get” what we go through, day to day. Perhaps if another person or doctor spent 1 day, 1 week, walked 1 mile in our shoes, they would “get it” Doctors would be more proactive in treating us, rather than dismissing us. Until then, we have each other. We can identify with one another on so many levels beyond realization. In between the brokenness, our hopes, our fears, our human perspective…. We get it!
    Today I hope you know you’re valued, I hope you know you’re loved. I hope know you’re worthy, worthy of so much more than you realize.
    You are more than you’re illness(es)! You matter… Yes You!
    What if our brokenness was meant to bless
    others? Imagine the pain in the waiting isn’t purposeless. Broken to be the chosen… chosen to know the intense depths of pain, the loneliness & despair, the intense desire to be loved; to love and truly be loved in return.
    Seemingly small insignificant joys become lights of hope, the simple accomplishments we find victory, this is our lives. Lives lived intentionally, on purpose. This is our reality…
    In the very depths of my heart; I wonder…::
    I wonder if I would have stopped to take notice at life’s simplicity, the beauty in the small moments and cherish them as I do now… in my brokeness. Perhaps in some small way we advanced beyond the rest of humanity…. Learning to cherish those small victories, valuing the simple act of human kindness, finding hope and significance in others walking similar journeys.
    No, I’m not overjoyed my life has taken an unwanted detour down a road less traveled, I don’t find joy in the very cracks of my life, nor do I find happiness in the realization so many of us suffer. As this day begins…Just know you are not alone, you are not defined by your illness(es). You are loved, so deeply thought of, you’re a gift to this world. Even living through illness, pain, (mental, physical, emotional), the isolation we feel, the barriers we build, feelings that flood our minds of our worth; or lack of positioned us to “know” the desire to feel loved, to feel worthy, to so desperately want to be understood;
    Maybe, just maybe…. We are being called to give others the gift of love; without expectation. To give kindness, fully knowing how unkind this world can be.
    In this moment;
    I hope you feel loved, I hope you feel valued, I hope you feel worthy… Because you deserve it; you’re worth and value is more than this.
    Blanketing you all with love today ♥️

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    Giving Myself Grace

    Loving Myself through Chronic Pain
    #Ileostomy #ChronicPain #FeelingAlone #Nosupport #MedicallyDismissed
    Today I will give myself Grace and Love Myself right where I’m at, here…in this moment. I’ve spent years “hating myself”, from failed surgeries, to chronic pain, depression, anxiety, feeling dismissed by doctors/surgeons and the rejection that creates. But today I’m choosing to love me, to give myself Grace, to realize I did not choose this life path rather it chose me. My days do not look like any normal day, any day. That’s okay. I’ve come to accept me, my limitations along with my unquieness. On days I miss the old me, the healthy me, I remind myself life is a journey not a sprint. I take my time to reflect, to feel, to allow those negative feelings to be brought into light so I can deal with them, heal from them. I no longer am running from my reality. Rather I am facing it, the good, the bad and the ugly. Allowing myself to heal from the trauma I’ve faced. Indeed it’s not overnight, sometimes it may be 1 step forward 2 steps back, other days it’s moment by moment… but…. Today I’m choosing to love myself a little more, a little stronger, a little harder. Leaning into acceptance.

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    Complexities, invisible scars and getting the help you need #TPN #MALNURISHMENT #Gaslighting #behcets #Ileostomy #help

    I suffer from multiple illnesses. The main one being a rare vascular disease called Behçet’s that I was diagnosed with over 15 years ago.. It has destroyed my body inside and out. My entire colon was removed and afterward I’ve developed one problem after another. At one point, I was on a ventilator undergoing 6-8 hours of dialysis a day after I went into kidney failure. I spent year being mistreated by doctors. I have been called crazy, hysterical, accused of seeking pain meds, subjected to absolutely horrific abuse from medical staff and it ultimately caused a spiral in my mental health. For the past 6-7 years, I’ve had a great team of doctors(finally) until now. I went through 6 months of chemotherapy for the Behçet’s. It was very difficult, but it has helped the disease tremendously. Unfortunately, it has caused more problems with my gut. Over the last year I am only able to eat extremely bland food with no nutrients. Now it’s becoming difficult to eat at all. All of my doctors think I need to start TPN right away for severe malnutrition, but referred me to the GI doctor to prescribe it and follow me. The GI doctor refused ANY kind of supplemental nutrition. He was rude, hateful and gaslit me during the whole appointment. I am wasting away. I am too weak to shower, drive and sometimes too weak to walk into the next room. My life is in complete shambles and once again, my mental health has taken a dive. Most days I can’t even digest my medication. I’m completely lost and have no idea where to turn, as my other doctors have begun to step away because I’m so “complex”. I’ve researched where to go for help for the extreme malnourishment and I get nowhere. Can anyone help me and:or offer any suggestions? I’ve faced some really difficult times, but I’m seeing any way out of this. Please help!! #behcets #Ileostomy #malnutrtion #haslighting #help

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