Struggling Today #Lonliness #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Ileostomy #Depression #Anxiety #checkinonme
Today…. Today I woke up in pain… Not the mental pain of losing your health…. No the physical pain which then turned on mental and emotional pain…. The baggage…..The remorse…. The regret….
All surgeons happily grab a knife and promise a quality of life beyond the former life you had… When that fails to come to fruition you’re left with regret… Anger…. Sadness…. Deep seeded sadness….
Quality of life, lack of…. But I started out in one piece, not a butchered mess…
Now I have a bag, a permanent ileostomy bag… I accepted this life in hopes of a quality of life…. Now I’ve traded one problem for many many more…. Not even mentioning the sacrifices I make daily… Daily… Every day my life is timed…. A time to eat, a time to drink, a time to travel, time to shower, time to change my bag…. Nothing….. Absolutely nothing is spontaneous or untimed….
I miss having health problems in one piece… At least then I could deal with one problem…. What I wouldn’t do to turn back time…. To undo what has been done… It’s permanent…. No longer a surgical candidate…. They’ve ruined me this time…. Permanently…. I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m tired of trying to live this life…. Life is hard enough…. Then add medical negligence that has ruined your life and any hope you had…. Hope is no more…. There is no more hope… Only a shell of the person I once was, and regret…
Doctors aren’t Gods, they don’t care what they’ve done, they don’t walk in our shoes, the very shoes they’ve ruined…. And once they’ve ruined you, they walk away, they go back to their lives, the ones we pay for when we trust them…. We trust them to do what they say…. When it doesn’t come to happen, they walk away, they don’t need you anymore…. And they’ve ruined your life….
I will take my last breath knowing this surgeon lied…. And then, just like that, after ruining my life, my body, any semblance of normalcy…. They leave you worse off than you ever were before…. And they mow it!