lonelines

I don’t have a good relationship with my family. I have a history of neglect, verbal abuse, and I was sexuality assulted by family members for years. Despite that, I always try to remind myself that I have nice close friends that we can be honest and vulnerable with each other. Most of my friends feel comfortable sharing their deepest concerns, fears, and pains with me and I usually feel the same. Although because of my struggles with feeling deeply connected to people, I almost always feel lonely. I usually think it’s my fault and there’s nothing wrong with my friends. However, I recently started noticing that most of my friends are around only when they’re struggling and they’re looking for ears to listen to them without feeling judged. I realized whenever I try to open up, they start talking about their own problems and don’t really listen, as if it’s a competition and we’re here to prove which one of us is in the worse situation. Of course we all share our similar experiences when someone else talks to us to show them they’re not alone in what they’re going through, but what I’m describing is way beyond that. My friends totally change the subject and suddenly everything is again about them and I’m finally the one consoling them. I feel heartbroken when I think I might not really have anyone in life that cares about me. At the same time, I wonder it might not be always my fault and the Bpd that I feel lonely 24/7. I wish I could have a better relationship with myself but since I’m dissociating a lot, I don’t even feel present in my body and my own experiences. I haven’t met anyone in the last two weeks and I feel so lonely and suicidal. I recently feel pins and needles on my skin when I face the storm of intense emotions. I feel very sad because I sometimes think it’s my right to decide not to suffer anymore and end this pain. I don’t do that mostly because I know it’s going to put the people around me through so much pain; however, it feels my connection with them is mostly by this deep sense of guilt that forces me to keep being in pain while they don’t really care if I exist or not.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Dissociation #lonelines