Mydepression

A long time ago someone said to me "people are like puzzles, they have thousands, millions, of pieces trying to make one perfect picture."
But.
That isn't right.
You're not a perfect picture someone else created that was then cut into a bazillion pieces.
You are your own creation!
Every day, every experience, every moment, is a tile you place into your matrix.
You take these tiles, some dark, or bright, colorful, mottled, sickly, heart shaped, square, round, marble, glass, wood, paint, and you put them together in your way, into your art matrix.
And these pieces, they are not bad. They may have come from bad days, experiences, or moments, but it isn't a bad piece.
It is just a piece of you.
And you put these pieces in your art matrix, every single time you go to sleep, assimilating more of your pieces. Crafting more of your artwork.
Maybe you have a huge piece that becomes a focal point. Maybe a bunch of very small ones that make your soul hurt. One piece at a time. Moment by moment, you are crafting yourself.
You are your artist.
You create your own mosaic of imperfect beauty that is everything you are.
#Musings #Art #Therapy #Mydepression #Mosaic

Depression. It is a demon in my life that seems to be taking control. Exercise they say. Write they say. Start a hobby they say. All of which I have done. I have tried. All of which I have failed at. My depression. I hate it. I wake up tired. But in a good mood... most days. I drink my morning coffee. I get my kids ready for school then drop them off. I come home and I'm not the same I was when I left. 15 minutes for my day to change. I want to go back to bed. I am sick to my stomach. I want to cry... but I can't. I try to clean. I try to read. I try to do school work. I try to play a game. I try and I fail. Every day I look at myself. I am fat. I am ugly. I try to change that... I really do. My depression comes in and I ask... Whats the point? I look for an answer to that but its pointless. Im still fighting this demon and it won't go away. How do I feel? I want to leave. I want to die. Why? Because the pain wouldnt torture me anymore. #Mydepression #MyDemon

Sometimes I’ll lay here and think of the times I knew I did my best and yet they told me, to try harder, and do better. There I stood, my body aching like I’d swam from the bottom of the lake with my arms and legs tied down by the weights of all those comments from people around me, my heart racing like I was in the middle of a pack of wolves, ready to pounce on me at any minute, my hands shaking, like the nurse who never drew blood, but needed to for the first time just as I had back when I was young and yet I had done all of these things. I swam and pulled myself up when it seemed like everything and everyone else was pulling me down, stood in the middle of a pack of wolves, hungry for blood and someone to feed on and yet I did not falter, my heart did not stop, I became the leader of the pack instead. I closed my eyes and felt the pinch of the needle over and over from the new nurse because she needed practice and I was willing to be the first if it meant she would get better for those after me.

I did not do anything without giving my everything.

I did not like, I loved with my whole soul. I did not walk, I ran as fast as I could . I did not talk, I told stories and gave meaning to every word. And I did not cry. I bawled. Every ounce of my being shaking while I lied in bed and tears flowed from my eyes like rivers into the seas. My heart beating faster than when I ran as fast as I could and yet I did not win, my body aching more than when I practiced every day for weeks straight without a break, my hands shaking more than when I held a blade in my hand and thought of all the things they’d said. I did not cry.

I do not do anything without giving my everything. so how could I just cry when I was told I will never be enough?

#Depression #Poetry #Mydepression

The God of heaven will set up a kingdom that will never be destroyed.
Daniel 2:44
In a coming new world,life in perfect health and happiness.
Revelation 21:3,4

I told a friend about this site tonight. I told her it has been helping with My Depression and My Anxiety. She said I shouldn’t call it my depression or my anxiety. She said by doing that I am owning it. But it is mine whether I want it or not. I lost the receipt so I can’t return it. It has been with me for 25 years. It may not come out everyday but it’s still there in the shades. Just like cancer was my cancer . This is my depression. It is not something I can remove from my body with surgery. It’s not a curable disease. Yes it can be manageable but it will always be a part of my life but hopefully one day it will be undetectable.