Nevergoodenough

No one knows more than me how messed up I am. I am well aware when I shut down, when I dissociate, when I am no longer "me." Things with my boyfriend have been so strained lately and he keeps saying how he misses the me that smiles and is happy. Only what he doesn't know is that me is fake, a pretender. I put on that smile and acted happy so that i wouldn't otherwise raise questions or concerns. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy and didn't have all the issues with mental health that I do. I feel like I wouldn't know how to actually be happy on the inside at this point because I'm just so used to pretending on the outside so others don't see the gravity of how I actually feel most days. Do I want to feel better? Yes. Do I have the energy to do that? No. Am I fighting with all that I am and have to make it through each day? Yes. I might not always be the me that smiles and is happy even if it is fake. Some days, the sadness and depression and all the feelings I try to hide are going to leak out. And I just need my boyfriend to be okay with that. And right now, I'm just questioning that. I'm questioning whether me as I am, mess and all, is good enough or will ever be good enough.
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Relationships #Nevergoodenough

I am just defeated tonight. Sketching, journaling, crying, i am just a shell of a person at this point. Going through the motions trying to get through each day. Im just wish i could have some semblance of normalcy!