Today is the closest I have felt in a long time to feeling like my mental health is going to win this struggle. I have been struggling a lot lately, but today my depression and anxiety and feeling of worthlessness are through the roof. Suicide is creeping into my mind more and more each day, I mentally struggle to see any value that I bring to this world or anyone’s life. I am truly starting to see that people would be better off without me. I tried to reach out to my therapist in grief group therapy tonight, but she was not mentally present tonight, it seems like she had someone big on her plate that was affecting her ability to be present for the people in group tonight. I don’t know if it was because there was only two of us tonight or because of a bigger issue in her life. I went into group hoping to find some hope to get the bad thoughts out of my mind and hoped group was an escape for two hours, but was it was the exact opposite, I went came out of group feeling more fear, worry, depression, anxiety, worthlessness, and suicidal than when I went in. I am also struggling to see any good in my life right now. Any good that has occurred lately, it seems like my mind twists it into something negative. I hope for a sign or something that can get me back on the path to getting my mental health under control. Is it possible that my current struggle is truly too much without proper support and is it possible that my mental health will win this battle. The worst thing is I know the next person I can reach out to that is supposed to help me, will just tell me I am having a normal reaction to a stressful event and that I don’t have a mental illness and that my mental illness is not contributing to the level of struggle I am currently having. Devaluing is all I seem to run into, and it is the last thing I need right now. I fear that the thing that is supposed to help me that being my medications will be my downfall because with wanting the pain to go away, I fear that my mental health and need for medications to sleep will have a negative reaction.