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I know I'm messed up.

No one knows more than me how messed up I am. I am well aware when I shut down, when I dissociate, when I am no longer "me." Things with my boyfriend have been so strained lately and he keeps saying how he misses the me that smiles and is happy. Only what he doesn't know is that me is fake, a pretender. I put on that smile and acted happy so that i wouldn't otherwise raise questions or concerns. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy and didn't have all the issues with mental health that I do. I feel like I wouldn't know how to actually be happy on the inside at this point because I'm just so used to pretending on the outside so others don't see the gravity of how I actually feel most days. Do I want to feel better? Yes. Do I have the energy to do that? No. Am I fighting with all that I am and have to make it through each day? Yes. I might not always be the me that smiles and is happy even if it is fake. Some days, the sadness and depression and all the feelings I try to hide are going to leak out. And I just need my boyfriend to be okay with that. And right now, I'm just questioning that. I'm questioning whether me as I am, mess and all, is good enough or will ever be good enough.
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Relationships #Nevergoodenough

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Feeling so defeated #Depression #Selfharm #unworthy #Nevergoodenough

I am just defeated tonight. Sketching, journaling, crying, i am just a shell of a person at this point. Going through the motions trying to get through each day. Im just wish i could have some semblance of normalcy!


Never Good Enough

Something as simple as doing housework shouldn't give me anxiety. Its It's hard not to stress when your mother is practically standing over your shoulder, either questioning your every move or redoing things you've already done.

It's like if I'm not doing it exactly the way she does then its it's not done right and it makes me feel like crap; like I've let her down somehow.

And as much as I hate to say it, this isn't the only time its happened. Throughout the years she has given my brother and I chores only to have us stop doing them. Why? Because we weren't doing something "right" or it wasn't done to her liking. Then she complains because she has to do all the housework; it's like a neverending cycle.

I'm just tired of feeling incapable of the simplest things. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Feeling like a huge disappointment to the most important person to me.

Apologies for the long post/rant but writing is the best way for me to get my feelings out and I feel safe to do so in this community.

Have good weekend friends.

#Anxiety #Worthlessness #Nevergoodenough #disappointment