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Observations on my Ideations

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I didn’t have many suicidal thoughts, this time around, I have them often. The last time I’ve thought about dying was over a week ago. I’ve never acted on my thoughts and they go away after a few hours. At first my reasons for not going through with them (if I ever did) was that I didn’t want to leave family and friends behind. My thinking on that has changed. I’ve had moments of deep despair that people didn’t matter anymore. I feel like it would be better if I did leave and everyone would be fine, that my existence is not that important to begin with. In my moments of feeling nameless emotions or a mix of emotions, the negative thoughts over power everything. I try to change those thoughts, but they always come back and all I can do most times is to either pretend that I’m fine or isolate myself while biting the skin off my lips, wishing that I was somewhere else. I’ve believed for a long time that no one would want me, especially if they knew that I’m mentally ill or the degree of my illness(es). On the outside, I look like a functioning human being, but if I were to put my mind into a machine that read its contents, I’m sure people would look at me differently. But as much as I want to be close to others, I find it hard to do so because I’m afraid to let people in. I think it would be better for me to be alone than to put other people through hell dealing with me. #Depression #SuicideIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Beingalone #aloneinlife #Mixedemotions #NamelessFeeling #skinpicking #NOLOVEFORME #MentalHealth

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Being Real

Lonliness visits me often, i stay gone when not working, and just drive. Any time I am at the house, I take Ambien to go to sleep so I am not alone. Only ways I've found to stay out of my head. And just driving doesn't always even work. I'm tired of being here, I'm tired of feeling, I don't want to feel tomorrow or look forward to it. I'm tired of flashbacks, good and bad memories alike, even the good turn to sad, reminds me of where I use to be, before #PTSD and #Depression took over. I'm always physically there for the few in my life, but it's definitely not reciprocated. Nobody to text or call that I can count on a response back. Just over today, like every day. #NOLOVEFORME