aloneinlife

#SuicideIdeation #Depression #Anxiety #aloneinlife

Hey everyone,
I haven’t posted here in a while. I have been feeling really depressed lately. I’m almost 6 months sober from alcohol and drugs. Yet another attempt at sobriety. This is a battle I have fought my entire life and it’s one I feel I’m losing. The problem is when you take the drugs and alcohol away, I’m left with myself and this head of mine that won’t seem to shut up. I am overwhelmed with emotions and it’s been really challenging not having something to numb the emotional pain I feel on the daily. I have been thinking more and more about why I even exist. Like, what is the point for me to be here? I don’t have anything of value to offer anyone. I’m selfish because my mental illness makes it hard for me to see past my own problems. I shut everyone out of my life because I’m too anxious to talk to people. I’m single and I don’t see myself ever being in a meaningful relationship. People are attracted to me at first until they get to know me and then they leave. I can’t keep friendships. I suck at relationships. The American dream of a marriage and a family is seeming less and less attainable to me as time goes on. I have to take medication just to be okay. I just don’t see a point in living anymore. I’m so fucked up. I want to die and be at peace.

I feel like I could disappear and no ones life would change. No one thinks of me, no one knows I'm here.

When you write down your problems, feelings and sentiments on facebook then your family saw it. You expect they will care and worry about your situation, but instead they will ask you what’s with the drama?!. You expect love and care from you families but instead they’re one of the reasons that cause you a lot of pain in mind and heart. Neglected by your own family plays a big part to make someone depression worsen. #Loneliness #aloneinlife

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I didn’t have many suicidal thoughts, this time around, I have them often. The last time I’ve thought about dying was over a week ago. I’ve never acted on my thoughts and they go away after a few hours. At first my reasons for not going through with them (if I ever did) was that I didn’t want to leave family and friends behind. My thinking on that has changed. I’ve had moments of deep despair that people didn’t matter anymore. I feel like it would be better if I did leave and everyone would be fine, that my existence is not that important to begin with. In my moments of feeling nameless emotions or a mix of emotions, the negative thoughts over power everything. I try to change those thoughts, but they always come back and all I can do most times is to either pretend that I’m fine or isolate myself while biting the skin off my lips, wishing that I was somewhere else. I’ve believed for a long time that no one would want me, especially if they knew that I’m mentally ill or the degree of my illness(es). On the outside, I look like a functioning human being, but if I were to put my mind into a machine that read its contents, I’m sure people would look at me differently. But as much as I want to be close to others, I find it hard to do so because I’m afraid to let people in. I think it would be better for me to be alone than to put other people through hell dealing with me. #Depression #SuicideIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Beingalone #aloneinlife #Mixedemotions #NamelessFeeling #skinpicking #NOLOVEFORME #MentalHealth

This morning, I’ve seemed to be full of ‘why’ questions. Many of which I feel don’t have answers. I feel totally frustrated, angry, hopeless, among other things. Why should I hold on to anything if nothing really stays? Why should my life be looked at as valuable if all I feel is invisible in a world full of people? Why do I hold such hope and compassion for people who only care about what they can get out of life for themselves? Why do I create space for people whom I feel don’t care for me as much as I care for them? Why should I keep showing up for people who only care when I’ve stopped coming around? Just... Why? And I keep putting myself through hell every time. Maybe it would be better to close myself off from the world... I’ve become soured by life. I’ve given up looking for signs of good because my heart has been broken enough times while looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and always finding fool’s gold. My life, among other things, don’t seem to have the importance it once had, and all I want is to vanish into thin air. #Depression #MentalHealth #whybother #why #hurtandangry #frustrated #alienated #questions #angry #Lostmyjoy #hopelessness #isolated #aloneinlife #givingup #Lossofcontrol #ivehadenough

In the last few days, I've been feeling a wide range of emotions. Mainly because of my pushing people away. As much as I want to approach some that I've pushed away and apologize for my distant behavior, but I feel like the damage is beyond repair. I even feel like I should just give it all up. I unwittingly projected my fear of abandonment and other issues onto others and now I believe that I don't deserve forgiveness. Maybe it is better that I've been left behind and not expect anything more. #FearOfAbandonment #imsorry #Emotions #Sadness #aloneinlife #Pushingaway #Fear #silence #aloneinmymind

My first thought of the day is that I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I have no one, nobody will be at my funeral. #alone forever

You ever get the overwhelming feeling of dead inside. Nothing makes you happy. You want to be alone, but not alone. Your soul feels gone. There is a hole in your chest. All the past mistakes you’ve made are flashing before your eyes. You want to die, but not at the same tine. You want someone to hold you, but you don’t know how to ask. Being depressed, what I realized, isn’t just being sad anymore, it’s feeling an overwhelming amount of emptiness and dead inside. I feel like a zombie just wanting to lie down to rest. Nothing seems to get better. Nothing seems comfortable. Nothing seems easy. It feels like you’re getting in your own way. You just feel nothing... I just feel nothing and I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worse enemy anymore. People who joke about this are lucky because the actual pain is hell. #BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Depression #deadinside #MentalHealth #aloneinlife #Anxiety #EmptyInside

on my third appointment with my new dr this Tuesday, I had one of my many heart episodes. I was Not having a good day before I got there. My head was bursting, blood pressure & sugar readings were out of bounds high, dealing with a fib and ketoacidosis. Praying to God I’m near the end of another Lyme flare, dealing with the fibromyalgia, diabetic neuropathy pain, rheumatoid, degenerative disc disease & the other ‘itis’s’ & endless health and personal issues...& landed in the hospital. My only dependable trustworthy friend was with me through it all. She’s stuck by me all these years, not children, drs, family or so called friends. How comforting & thankful to have this site❣️To know that there are so many people experiencing the same issues as I do, makes me so sad but grateful they’re willing to share their stories , has made me feel so blessed to have understanding and empathy. The hope, cheer, memes, even tears and fears, sense of dread of the future...vocalized on this site from the ‘broken hearts & lives’... Sounds crazy ironic, but gives me a sense of peace. NOT because others are in physical pain & hardships because our bodies have betrayed & turned against us & our way of life & entire world have been turned inside out!! It’s very hard to put into words! When I’m overwhelmed by my circumstances (in body & spirit) and am ready to hang it all up and be done with it all...#PeaceInThePain #the MightyBStrong#NeverGiveUp
#WeekendFeels #godblessuseveryone ♥️