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I Don’t Know What To Feel

I feel a cross between emptiness, sadness, anger, and numbness. I don’t feel real, I have moments where I want out of my skin. I won’t be seeing the psychologist until the end of next month. I wish I had words to really describe how I’m feeling, but I don’t. I’ve been so use to internalizing everything. For the last few days, I’ve been constantly feeling like I don’t deserve to be loved and that I’ll always be alone. I’m feeling everything so much right now and I want to cry and scream. #Depression #MentalHealth #FearOfAbandonment #FearOfLove #NamelessFeeling #NoLove #Emptiness #Sadness #anger #numbness #Crying #Screaminginside


Poems I Write in the Wake of My Intense Emotions #MightyPoets

I wrote this some hours ago...

Woman, Interrupted

My chest feels heavy, but I feel empty...
The dark thoughts are back and I’m wanting to taste death again.
I separate myself from the world for my protection,
My emotions at times are so intense that I want to tear myself
Out of my skin,
The times I want to cry, I want to scream as well,
When I am angry, I want to destroy all that’s in front of me,
There is so much that’s there that I can’t even put into words
That I just keep it all inside.
I want to be near you, but I can’t let you get close to me-
But who can really love a woman with an illness that hasn’t
Been named?
Who would dare to put their sanity on the line to give affection
To damaged souls?
Understand that with all the love that I have inside me,
I still will feel like I’m forever missing the mark,
That in my efforts to go the extra mile, it may not be good enough...
That I will never feel good enough.
I’m ruined and I don’t want to do the same to you,
So please...
#MentalHealth #NamelessFeeling #Poetry #MightyPoets #EmotionalIntensity #Emotions #NotGoodEnough #Depression #MentalIllnessHurts


Observations on my Ideations

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I didn’t have many suicidal thoughts, this time around, I have them often. The last time I’ve thought about dying was over a week ago. I’ve never acted on my thoughts and they go away after a few hours. At first my reasons for not going through with them (if I ever did) was that I didn’t want to leave family and friends behind. My thinking on that has changed. I’ve had moments of deep despair that people didn’t matter anymore. I feel like it would be better if I did leave and everyone would be fine, that my existence is not that important to begin with. In my moments of feeling nameless emotions or a mix of emotions, the negative thoughts over power everything. I try to change those thoughts, but they always come back and all I can do most times is to either pretend that I’m fine or isolate myself while biting the skin off my lips, wishing that I was somewhere else. I’ve believed for a long time that no one would want me, especially if they knew that I’m mentally ill or the degree of my illness(es). On the outside, I look like a functioning human being, but if I were to put my mind into a machine that read its contents, I’m sure people would look at me differently. But as much as I want to be close to others, I find it hard to do so because I’m afraid to let people in. I think it would be better for me to be alone than to put other people through hell dealing with me. #Depression #SuicideIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Beingalone #aloneinlife #Mixedemotions #NamelessFeeling #skinpicking #NOLOVEFORME #MentalHealth

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At night, as soon as my head hits the pillow I have this feeling with no name.

Imagine the happiest memory in your life, you are right there in that moment, you feel your joy all around you. Then in the moment, you've been taken away from that happiness and placed on a tiny rock, just big enough to sit on with nothing but black deep ocean all around you, there are no stars, no light of any kind. You are on that rock and you know you will never get home.

This is how I described this awful feeling.

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