Beingalone

I was part of a Halloween walkabout (social distanced so don't worry) it was an arty fight night with fire performers, dancers, story telling, a band and loads more in an old graveyard.. I was a monk with a witches nose and in charge of 'limbo' a garden of manakin body parts, I got to wave a leg at people while saying "welcome to limbo, please don't take the limbs though!" Well I could say whatever I liked but that's what I choose 😂
It was so much fun and I felt it appropriate because i feel like I've lived long patches of my life in limbo .. waiting for change but too afraid to make it. Well my whole life is different now, so I've started to put the work in to make it as full and positive as I can!
At the end people were led into the beautiful old church to say a prayer and light a candle for those we have lost. I've lost so, so many i could light a garden of candles! I lit one for my mum, the man who raised me and my ex boyfriend/soulmate.
It felt special to light a candle in that place for them on the night the Vail is thinnest 🤗🕉️☯️☮️
Never Forgotten, Always Loved.
#Grief #Memories #Newlife #Family #Beingalone #PTSD #BipolarDepression #warrior #Survivor #livingforthoseyouhavelost #rip #Healing #Halloween #prey #believinginyourself #movingon

When I was first diagnosed with depression, I didn’t have many suicidal thoughts, this time around, I have them often. The last time I’ve thought about dying was over a week ago. I’ve never acted on my thoughts and they go away after a few hours. At first my reasons for not going through with them (if I ever did) was that I didn’t want to leave family and friends behind. My thinking on that has changed. I’ve had moments of deep despair that people didn’t matter anymore. I feel like it would be better if I did leave and everyone would be fine, that my existence is not that important to begin with. In my moments of feeling nameless emotions or a mix of emotions, the negative thoughts over power everything. I try to change those thoughts, but they always come back and all I can do most times is to either pretend that I’m fine or isolate myself while biting the skin off my lips, wishing that I was somewhere else. I’ve believed for a long time that no one would want me, especially if they knew that I’m mentally ill or the degree of my illness(es). On the outside, I look like a functioning human being, but if I were to put my mind into a machine that read its contents, I’m sure people would look at me differently. But as much as I want to be close to others, I find it hard to do so because I’m afraid to let people in. I think it would be better for me to be alone than to put other people through hell dealing with me. #Depression #SuicideIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Beingalone #aloneinlife #Mixedemotions #NamelessFeeling #skinpicking #NOLOVEFORME #MentalHealth

#MentalHealth #BPD #Beingalone