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Missing the things I can’t reach.

I am diagnosed Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, OCD, and reoccurring situational and clinical depression.
Lately I have been feeling terrible but pulling my self together enough to get things done, but more and more it gets harder. Today I learned my recent ultrasound of my thyroid came back with a highly suspicious large nodule.
I’m a mom of 3 girls, two young and one in middle school.
I am a stay at home mom.
My husband is away for work most of the time. (5-6 days/nights a week)
Over the last couple months my depression and anxiety have gotten bad.
I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling less and less okay. And today I hear the one thing anyone with anxiety wants to hear...
I think you have thyroid cancer. Okay let’s manage it. Let’s clear it up!
But oh we thought you had auto immune disorders and anxiety but we were wrong.
My worst nightmare, literally coming true.
I share the news with my husband who, two years ago lost his father to cancer, and he literally laughs at me.
I’m at a loss. I am the rock and the brick of my family. I do everything for my daughters, I’d do anything for my parents and siblings. I am the ROCK to my family. But I have no one I can lean on for support and it’s literally killing me. #Nooneislistening


my anxiety

how can I get better at my job when I have days where I can’t get out of bed. so I call in sick. when really from the outside I look fine but inside I am a wreck. my husband has trouble understanding and my panic attacks are so bad that he doesn’t know how to help. I try to find good articles for him to read but it’s the same thing every time.
“honey you are fine”
you have no idea
if only words could explain how I feel
#SuicidalThoughts #Nooneislistening #scared #Anxiety

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Stuck on the Inside

I have to admit that its been rough lately. My life seems to be at a total stand still. It always seems like that. I never seem to go anywhere, I always seem to end up in the same place. The path I walk seems to be in an endless loop. I have no one to count on, no one to lean on. They can't handle me. They don't take the time to listen. They think I want to drive myself crazy, that I purposely put myself in a constant state of fear. Right now I have no hope. I don't see the light everyone says is there. I desperately want to see what they see, but how can I? They all left me in one way or another. Why should I keep going when I am just in the way? Maybe I should end it all now, get it over with. I know a select few will never get over my death, but they have so much going for them while it feels like I do not. Its like this is what life is telling me all that its going to be. Stuck on the inside, trying desperately to look out. Maybe it isn't true, but its hard to believe when I look around and never get the chance. I know I shouldn't compare but its in my nature, and its hard to let it out. I feel so alone, for when they say that they are here for me they never truly are. #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #aloneinmymind #Nooneislistening