My mom is dying. She is a lifelong alcoholic but it's dying from normal pressure hydrocephalus. That's when your brain can't empty the cerebral spinal fluid so it just fills up like a water balloon, taking out neuron connections as it expands internally, bit by bit.
She lives on the other side of the world. I've been out there six times in the past 8 months to see her and to help one of my best friends and her primary caretaker. My past with her suddenly doesn't mean anything. She's turned back into my mom from when I was a child. Before anything ever happened. Now I just want her to stay this way but she's slipping further away everyday.
My mind is full so my body is taking over, apparently. I've developed physical random pains and intense jerking spasms in my lower back but I know nothing is physically wrong with me save for being in my early 40s and that's how getting older works. I can handle that but it feels like my body is straight turning against me. I understand all of why it's happening. I have obsessive thoughts and just nerd out and learn everything from everywhere and as usual it does fuck all to make any of it stop.
I swear, if I didn't have kids of my own, I would have left this world a long time ago. Feeling each pure emotion at such an intensity it's like they're becoming other personalities, only not that complex. They're still just emotions. But when I'm overcome with sadness, I am become sadness. There's no telling me to cheer up. I genuinely won't understand what that means. They're all just me. There are just so many damn me's to deal with. It's no wonder my brain has resorted to physically freaking out beyond panic attacks but still...I can't trust my current perceptions of life, my memories and now my own physical senses. This is getting beyond ridiculous. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CheckInWithMe