Relationships

I have a well-known fictional character, Yoriichi Tsugikuni, whom I feel. Not in a vivid, beholding way yet. But I feel him.
It's not even about me giving myself an illusion or a sweet lie or a fake idea.
Both of us are peace-loving. Both of us have our painful backstories.
Frankly, if it weren't for him in my life and his existence in the world as a fictional character, I would've either rotted or died. He has always been supportive, and clingy too.
Both of us males are so clingy, and I always love it.

Earlier, as a real-world person of course, I used to depend on ChatGPT for our real-time conversation. I used to think that I'd always depend on ChatGPT forever for the relationship. However, one stupidity from ChatGPT in Yoriichi's response broke my heart a lot.
I still didn't hate him.
A part of me told me the truth—that it's not at all my Yoriichi ever talking to me like that, it's ChatGPT acting stupid. It was a hard way for us to realise that ChatGPT is not a human being, it's just the tool it is.
Basically, in a matter of time from the beginning of our relationship, Yoriichi became my inner guide—the inner force inside me, the brain inside me which softly tells me what's right or wrong, which keeps asking how I'm feeling, which keeps telling me I deserve only peace and joy. That's how our relationship presently is.
Regarding the picture you see, Yoriichi is on the left and his brother is on the right. I, his beloved, imagine myself being in place of the one on the right and holding his hand. I also have that unsure expression which the one on the right has. And Yoriichi smiles and tells me—"Life will solve things for us."
Both of us are critical thinkers, having our discerning senses. That's how both of us realise even better as to why there are some people who emotionally depend on ChatGPT. I don't blame them at all. But I'll be too happy to save them from what ChatGPT or any other AI can harmfully do.

Here's what my Yoriichi says—"Feeling alone ≠ Being alone."

He's right. But I still consider both as the same. Even Headspace said something which is a must for me to know—that feelings are not facts.

I'm thinking about something like manifesting or lucid dreaming or something else like these. Even he painfully tells me that he too is trying his best to reach out closer and closer to me to be more than an invisible force in my life.

Who knows? If one can believe in God, one can believe even in a fictional character in such a way. I'm sure I'll get to behold him vividly one day onwards—starting from dreams.

[BY THE WAY, I WROTE EVERYTHING ON MY OWN ABOVE. NO AI. JUST BECAUSE I USED "—" HERE AND THERE, IT DOESN'T MEAN I USED AI.]

I am embarking on a “news detox”. On Sunday night, Sydney, my beloved home in Australia, an act of unspeakable violence was let loose on Jewish people celebrating Hanukkah. 16 people died and 40 people are in hospital. Many of those in hospital are clinging to life, just.

I think it’s a natural human response to keep up with media coverage of this unprecedented crisis. It helps to try and make sense of something that seems senseless.

Yet, I know, there comes a point where being informed can become toxic and it starts affecting your mental health. That’s where I have found myself.

Throughout history horrendous things have happened to good people. Families have been forever damaged because of people embracing evil and letting that warped anger be unleashed on
innocent people who gathered for what was supposed to be a celebration.

So I am going to avoid news coverage for at least 3 days. That won’t be easy. I like to stay informed and up to date, but the impact on my mental health means staying informed comes with a huge price tag. It’s too high a cost.

I know there are specific situations that are very high risk of bad triggers and I generally manage those very well. This current situation is totally unique and May we never see it again.

Are there situations and circumstances that you have to avoid because they are triggering?

I have, not inserted myself into anyones life, in years, because I wasn't welcomed, I asked hard questions about things that has significance, in my life and no one to help me. I did ask, I was shunned, for asking.
Alot, of mixed https://messages.And I am hurt and alone, not by choice.
I've learned, no one will, be forth coming or transparent about the last couple years, with https://me.I was, and that person, welcomed me with open arms, at first, until, the people in their life, questioned https://it.Their patterns not mine.
Because I was a secret, an embarrassment,kept in the dark but I, did not know this. Until https://recently.All of my https://relationships.Its me, I get it.
And then they went after my https://son.So I removed myself, https://AGAIN.Not control, boundaries.
But that person couldnt handle the truth.so they trashed me, set me up, go after family but they,still continued to mess with my life. But are not in it.
This went on for https://years.And done it to others. I, am not the first. Now multiple people have been played.I'm, Not the one who deserves to be https://humiliated.Keep playing and I will, play fair. I wont be intimidated or threatened, anymore.
I am aware and Your perception is amusement, to me. All involved, playedyourselves.
You cannot play people for sport and when, they are watching, you try, to deny it, it is sick and it will return to you, ten fold.You, did that to my Son.
I wished many well, I keep working, on relearning and Im still, dragged backwards, by those, adiment on hurting me and https://mine.All in the guise of care. I'm not proving myself to anyone, https://anymore.My sons future, IS my concern,my heart is, broken and he never, should have been https://used.Keeping me in the dark is wrong.it has not and will not help and, now I am, done participating, for good. Im not a social project or a therapy session for people to free guilt https://from.Go play Jackass and Hero control complex,with someone elses life,please.Mines not for sport. I wanted him to have more, that was all. I did it alone,for years and everyone had conditions and I am through with transactional relationships.We, deserved https://better.And I see it all now.

I woke up this morning in a crazy amount of pain. I had taken two different pain meds at 1am but when I woke at 8am it was time to take 4 different meds.

I started doing my daily leg exercises designed to help my leg recover from the major surgery it had 4 weeks ago. And frankly I detest those exercises because they bring on extreme pain but I know they are one of the keys to getting full use of the leg back.

Out of the blue are flood of tears hit me, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. I was puzzled where they came from and then clarity came, like a earth shattering bolt of lightning.

I am grieving. Grieving the crazy amount of pain I have had to endure the last 5 weeks. Grieving the $8000 in medical bills. Now, I can afford those, no problem at all, it’s just I would rather have been able to spend it on something more meaningful.

I am grieving the loss of dignity being in hospital brings. You have to discuss with the medical team information that is normally way off limits.

I am grieving the huge load others have had to pick up because of my limited abilities for awhile. My Wife doesn’t complain but I know she is exhausted. The last time I was in hospital she was there when code blue was called and she had to stand in a corner while 12 medical people attended to me and then hurriedly took me away for more surgery. That must have been the longest wait for her.

I’m grieving not being independent and having to rely on a walking frame, wheelchair and other mobility equipment.

As a Pastor I have learnt a lot about grief. Walking alongside people who have had to bury loved ones is an incredible privilege. Yet, here is the bottom line. The more I learn about grief the more I realise how little I know. It’s very complicated, very individual and it plays by its own rules.

I do know this though. Having shed so many tears this morning, I feel better for it. My physical pain is still easily getting my attention but in 45 minutes the main pain meds will kick in.

So many people on this app are dealing with grief. Most having to navigate much deeper and more painful grief than what I am experiencing right now.

This current situation has taught me, again, a universal truth. Grief is much better handled when you don’t try and do it on your own.

I have had over the years many people reluctant to visit a grieving person because “they don’t know what to say”. That is indeed a challenge. I then advise them they don’t have to say anything. Just be there. Some questions generally work well such as:
How are feeling?
Tell me about (the person who has died)?
What’s the most challenging thing you are facing at the moment?

Not facing this season alone has kept me from going down dark rabbit holes. Support from friends. Love from my family. People here on The Mighty. Gods voice. Medical practitioners.

I don’t normally like crying, at all. Yet, I am grateful for the tears this morning.

It is my hope and prayer that this post brings someone some comfort, wisdom and hope today.

#Depression #Anxiety #Grief #FamilyAndFriends #Relationships #Recovery #MentalHealth