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Feeling unsure, looking for non-religious support
Greetings all. I'm new here. I joined because I realize that I need to talk about my thoughts and feelings out loud but I have no "safe" place to do that. Any mention of suicide with my psychiatrist will land me back in a mental health institution and that, my friends, is a hell I will never willingly submit to again. I'm 67 years old and I began wishing I could exit the planet when I was a very young girl, around 8 or 9 years old. I was the youngest of 5 children in an extremely strict and religious household and my older brother hated me from the minute I was born. He tormented me with horrible words and physical abuse for many years. Then, when I was around 8 or 9, he added sexual violence to his arsenal and I had to live with that terror for another 3 years or so. One day (I was probably 9) I decided I couldn't stand the pain and I tried to cut my wrist. My mother found me and punished me severely. She kept the situation secret from my father and other siblings and I received no medical or psychological help. Ever since then I've lived with suicide thoughts, not constantly but quite frequently. I learned how to hide my depression and to most folks around me I am certain that I seemed like a normal, successful person. My late husband knew, though, about my suicidal wishes, and he did everything he could to love and support me (we were married for 32 years). Now that he is gone, and I have no human relationships that are close enough or strong enough to offset the suicide desires, I'm seriously considering following through. I have initiated contact with a VAD clinic in Switzerland and am in the middle of going through their application process. But I'm finding that at times I am torn about the decision. I know that I'm not going to get any physically healthier...it's pretty much all downhill from here, and I'm terrified of being so alone and needing help with my care. I have no one at all to help me, so I would have to find and pay for assistance if I have an issue (like total knee replacement). The biggest thing for me, though, is that I miss my husband so much. He died 2 years ago and though the grief is more tolerable now than it was, I still yearn for him acutely. I suspect that the moments of "doubt" I'm having are based on the biological imperative of my brain trying to keep me alive, rather than on any sort of logical thoughts. Sorry this is so long...hoping someone might be able to relate.
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