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The randomness of grief and loss.
I woke up this morning in a crazy amount of pain. I had taken two different pain meds at 1am but when I woke at 8am it was time to take 4 different meds.
I started doing my daily leg exercises designed to help my leg recover from the major surgery it had 4 weeks ago. And frankly I detest those exercises because they bring on extreme pain but I know they are one of the keys to getting full use of the leg back.
Out of the blue are flood of tears hit me, and I started sobbing uncontrollably. I was puzzled where they came from and then clarity came, like a earth shattering bolt of lightning.
I am grieving. Grieving the crazy amount of pain I have had to endure the last 5 weeks. Grieving the $8000 in medical bills. Now, I can afford those, no problem at all, it’s just I would rather have been able to spend it on something more meaningful.
I am grieving the loss of dignity being in hospital brings. You have to discuss with the medical team information that is normally way off limits.
I am grieving the huge load others have had to pick up because of my limited abilities for awhile. My Wife doesn’t complain but I know she is exhausted. The last time I was in hospital she was there when code blue was called and she had to stand in a corner while 12 medical people attended to me and then hurriedly took me away for more surgery. That must have been the longest wait for her.
I’m grieving not being independent and having to rely on a walking frame, wheelchair and other mobility equipment.
As a Pastor I have learnt a lot about grief. Walking alongside people who have had to bury loved ones is an incredible privilege. Yet, here is the bottom line. The more I learn about grief the more I realise how little I know. It’s very complicated, very individual and it plays by its own rules.
I do know this though. Having shed so many tears this morning, I feel better for it. My physical pain is still easily getting my attention but in 45 minutes the main pain meds will kick in.
So many people on this app are dealing with grief. Most having to navigate much deeper and more painful grief than what I am experiencing right now.
This current situation has taught me, again, a universal truth. Grief is much better handled when you don’t try and do it on your own.
I have had over the years many people reluctant to visit a grieving person because “they don’t know what to say”. That is indeed a challenge. I then advise them they don’t have to say anything. Just be there. Some questions generally work well such as:
How are feeling?
Tell me about (the person who has died)?
What’s the most challenging thing you are facing at the moment?
Not facing this season alone has kept me from going down dark rabbit holes. Support from friends. Love from my family. People here on The Mighty. Gods voice. Medical practitioners.
I don’t normally like crying, at all. Yet, I am grateful for the tears this morning.
It is my hope and prayer that this post brings someone some comfort, wisdom and hope today.
#Depression #Anxiety #Grief #FamilyAndFriends #Relationships #Recovery #MentalHealth
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