Relationships

Have you ever wondered why you know what you should do, yet your body seems to fight you every step of the way?

Why is it so hard to stay calm? Why does anxiety take over? Why do cravings feel stronger than logic? Why can one stressful moment make it feel like all your progress has disappeared?

The answer may not be a lack of willpower. It may be your nervous system.

At the center of that system is the vagus nerve, the longest cranial nerve in the body. It forms a critical communication pathway between your brain and many of your major organs, including your heart, lungs, and digestive system. The vagus nerve plays a key role in regulating heart rate, breathing, digestion, immune function, and your body’s relaxation response (Porges, 2011).

For many people living with trauma, addiction, anxiety, or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the nervous system has spent so much time in survival mode that feeling calm can actually feel unfamiliar. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA, 2014), trauma affects the brain and body in ways that can leave people constantly scanning for danger, even when they are physically safe.

This is why healing is about more than changing your thoughts. It is also about helping your body experience safety again.

What Does It Mean to “Reset” Your Vagus Nerve?

Although people often talk about “resetting” the vagus nerve, it is more accurate to say that we can strengthen our body’s ability to return to a calm, regulated state. Through repeated healthy habits, we improve our nervous system’s capacity to recover from stress.

Think of it like strengthening a muscle. Every time you practice calming strategies, you are teaching your body that it no longer has to remain on high alert.

When Your Nervous System Gets Stuck

Trauma, chronic stress, and addiction can leave the nervous system trapped in survival mode.

Common signs include:

– Constant anxiety
– Emotional overwhelm
– Panic attacks
– Irritability
– Trouble sleeping
– Digestive problems
– Feeling emotionally numb
– Difficulty trusting others
– Strong urges to use substances to cope

Research consistently shows that prolonged stress affects both physical and emotional health, making recovery more difficult without addressing the nervous system itself (National Institute of Mental Health, n.d.).

Five Ways to Support Your Vagus Nerve

1. Practice Slow Breathing

Slow breathing—especially extending your exhale longer than your inhale—activates the body’s relaxation response.

Try breathing in for four seconds and out for six to eight seconds.

2. Splash Cold Water on Your Face

Cold water activates the body’s natural “diving reflex,” which can slow the heart rate and encourage relaxation.

3. Hum, Sing, or Pray

The vagus nerve connects with muscles involved in speaking and vocalization. Gentle humming, singing, chanting, or prayer may help stimulate these pathways while also encouraging mindfulness.

4. Move Your Body

Walking, stretching, yoga, or other gentle movement helps release built-up stress while supporting emotional regulation.

5. Connect with Safe People

Healing rarely happens in isolation.

Positive relationships help regulate our nervous system. Feeling seen, heard, and accepted allows the body to recognize safety again (SAMHSA, 2014).

Healing Is More Than Positive Thinking

One of the biggest misconceptions about recovery is that people simply need to “think differently.”

While thoughts matter, healing also requires helping the body feel safe.

As Dr. Stephen Porges (2011) explains through Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system constantly evaluates whether we are safe or threatened. Although Polyvagal Theory continues to be discussed and researched, its emphasis on the connection between physiological state, relationships, and emotional regulation has influenced many trauma-informed approaches.

Recovery isn’t about pretending you’re okay.

It’s about teaching your nervous system that you no longer have to survive every moment.

A Seven-Day Challenge

This week, spend just ten minutes each day caring for your nervous system.

– Practice slow breathing.
– Take a short walk.
– Listen to calming music.
– Reach out to someone you trust.
– Spend a few quiet moments in prayer or reflection.

Small actions practiced consistently can reshape how your body responds to stress.

Your nervous system learned survival through repeated experiences.

It can also learn safety through repeated experiences.

Healing doesn’t happen overnight.

It happens one breath…

One choice…

One moment at a time.

Rise Above Your Norm.

BigmommaJ
#vegaserve #MentalHealth #Healing

For as long as I can remember I have been determined not to age prematurely as far as my outlook and attitude goes. It disturbs me to see people who act like they are 20 years older than they are. It seems a waste.

I turn 66 next week but I try to have the energy and movement of a 50 year old.

Today though I got a reminder and reality check that indeed I am not in my prime anymore. Having been diagnosed with very brittle bones and having spent two much time in hospital over the last 12 months with fractures my doctor registered me with government provided assistance.

In a few days time I will be assessed and most likely the government will pay for a gardener to prune our trees and a few other garden tasks. They will most likely also provide some cleaning help. These have previously been my tasks. I have paid huge taxes over the years so I have no qualms getting free assistance but the reality I can’t do everything I used to is humbling.

I will get used to this. I must. I am sure that there would be countless people in other countries who would love government assistance like this.

I still don’t want to grow old graciously. I want to grow old outrageously large and still pioneering ideas and inspiring others. It’s time accept that sometimes we all need a little help.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to embrace a slower lifestyle.

I used to get overwhelmed by all of the things that I thought I needed to do in order to live a successful life. I thought that I had to have it all figured out—career, relationships, financial stability.

But the truth is, I don’t.

And I’m learning that’s okay.

I don’t want to be so hard on myself anymore for not being where I thought I’d be in life. It’s too draining emotionally and mentally to always be doubting yourself and your abilities.

Instead of letting my mind control me, I want to start letting more positive energy flow through me.

This season of life is offering me an opportunity to see the beauty in the ordinary. An opportunity to live life at my own pace.

And deep down, that’s what I think I’ve always wanted all along.

Here are some of the things I want more of.

More Slow Mornings

I want mornings where I don’t wake up and feel like the day is already ruined.

More often than not, I’ll wake up and one small thing will spark some sort of emotion out of me. Usually, it’s irritation or frustration about something.

I want to change the attitude of my mornings.

Start slowly.

No immediate scrolling on my phone.

Enjoying my cup of coffee on the patio.

Getting some sunshine before it gets too hot.

Jokingly, I hear sunshine is supposed to give you energy.

I just want more time to wake up gently instead of immediately feeling behind.

More Little Joys

Picking up fresh flowers at the grocery store to liven up my living space.

Reading all of the books that I haven’t touched and finding new ones to escape into.

Summer sunsets.

My favorite meal after a long day.

Songs that instantly feel like comfort.

I’ve learned that happiness is truly hidden in the ordinary things, and I want to notice those moments more often.

More Meaningful Connections

I want more conversations that go beyond small talk.

I want more people I can fully be myself around.

More moments of feeling understood.

I think all of us have ups and downs in friendships and relationships.

But for me, I learned the hard way who is and who isn’t a stronghold in my life.

I’ve lost friends and partners whom I’ll most likely never speak to again.

And the strange part of it all is that I lost these friendships and relationships because I was just being myself.

With that comes a lot of heartache, grief, and feelings that you’re the problem.

And those feelings don’t just disappear no matter how much time has passed.

Those moments of losing people made me feel like everything I thought about myself was true.

I’m not smart.

I’m not likable.

I’m boring.

The list goes on.

When someone you cared for and adored tells you those things about yourself that you already secretly fear, it does damage.

So, I want to embrace the people in my life who chose to stick around and let me be myself free of judgment.

Friendships and relationships are very important to me, and I don’t want to waste my time on people who don’t see me and accept me for who I am.

More Creating Memories With the People I Love

I have a tight-knit friend circle.

I actually met most of them in middle school, and we’ve maintained close relationships to this day.

I’m so lucky and forever grateful to have friends in my life who love and support me.

All of us are actually going to Romania for our friend’s wedding.

This will be our first time out of the country together, and I can’t tell you how excited I am to make new memories that I just know will last a lifetime.

Whenever I’m with them, I’m happy just being in their presence.

Sure, my mind wanders, and I can get into an overthinking funk, but they truly see me and appreciate me for who I am.

And that means more than they probably realize.

More Comfort in Being Exactly Who I Am

For most of my life, I’ve never really felt comfortable in my own skin.

I always had low self-esteem and a lack of confidence.

I was really hard on myself because I couldn’t do things as easily as others could. And that struggle made me feel weak.

The truth is, I spent my whole life confused about who I really am.

But once I was diagnosed, things started to make sense and fall into place for me.

I gained a new perspective and a new understanding of myself.

It gave me hope, purpose, and answers.

I don’t want to constantly judge myself like I used to.

I don’t want to feel disconnected from myself or appease others by becoming someone different.

I just want to be comfortable with who I am.

And I’m slowly getting there.

My confidence has grown.

My self-esteem is getting higher.

I’m getting there, little by little.

More Celebrating How Far I’ve Come

I think it’s easy to focus on how far we still have to go.

The goals we haven’t reached yet.

The things we still want to change.

But lately, I’ve been trying to remind myself to look back, too.

I’ve survived things I once thought would break me.

I’ve learned so much about myself.

And I’ve grown in ways that I never, ever expected.

There are versions of me from years ago who would be very proud of the person I am today.

And I want to celebrate that more often.

More Gentleness With Myself

Perhaps more than anything, I want to be kinder to myself.

I want to stop expecting myself to function like everyone else.

I want to stop measuring my worth by productivity.

I want to stop feeling like I’m somehow behind.

I want to give myself the same understanding and compassion that I so easily offer other people.

I think this season of life is more about returning to myself and making room for the things that matter.

About creating a life that feels softer, slower, and more aligned with who I truly am.

What is one thing you want more of in this season of your life?

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”— Often attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson

#MentalHealth #Neurodiversity #ADHD #Autism #AutismSpectrum #selfcare #MightyTogether

“In the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer.”

— Albert Camus

If I had to give one chapter of my life a title, I think I would simply call it The Lost Years.

The reason I would call them that is because it was a time filled with doubt, struggles, and uncertainty. Not because those years didn’t matter, but because I felt lost within them. I didn’t really know who I was, where I was going, or how to find my way back to myself.

In my mid to late twenties, I went through a really difficult period in my life—socially, physically, mentally, and internally. I felt like I had no sense of direction. Which path do I choose? That question was constantly on my mind.

But it wasn’t just the big life decisions. It was all the little things that added up each day.

I was in a deep state of depression. I barely left my bed. Tears seemed endless. My mind replayed everything that had ever gone wrong in my life and convinced me that things would never change. That I would never find stability, happiness, or a sense of safety.

There was one major event during that time that changed me in ways I never expected. I don’t really want to get into the details, but it left a lasting impact on me.

For a long time, I felt worthless. Like I was an afterthought. Like everyone else was moving forward while I remained stuck.

I had one friend during that time who helped pull me out of my funk every once in a while. He had the kind of personality that could always make me laugh and smile. We were practically inseparable for years.

Looking back now, I realize I spent much of my twenties helping him pursue his goals, dreams, and plans for the future. Mine, however, quietly took a back seat.

I’m not blaming him for that. If anything, it made me realize how much of a people-pleaser I was. At the time, I didn’t see it that way. I thought I was just being supportive and being there for someone I cared about. It wasn’t until later that I realized I had become so focused on helping someone else build their life that I stopped asking myself what I wanted for my own.

I didn’t socialize much outside of him and his partner. I had never been in a relationship, which made me feel behind in life. I felt like everyone else was moving forward while I was somehow stuck in the same place.

And because my depression had convinced me that I was somehow unworthy, I never really focused on building a life for myself.

So instead, I lived vicariously through him.

When I look back now, I think, it is what it is.

I can’t go back and change it.

I can only learn from it.

The reason I call them “The Lost Years” is because I only knew how to be there for other people. I didn’t know how to be there for myself.

I didn’t know who I was outside of helping others. I didn’t know what I wanted, where I was going, or what kind of life I wanted to build.

I think we all have a chapter like that. A season marked by grief, uncertainty, burnout, disappointment, anxiety, and simply trying to keep our heads above water.

I remember isolating myself from the outside world. I’d spend day in and day out locked away in my room, trying desperately to quiet the negative, nagging thoughts about how much of my life I had wasted.

I kept thinking, my life could have been what I always envisioned if I had only tried to make it a reality.

But no.

I was stuck.

Stuck in a never-ending cycle of past decisions, past experiences, and things that changed the trajectory of my life.

I kept myself “entertained” by watching comfort shows and movies. I couldn’t read because it was too hard to focus on anything other than my misery.

I ate comfort foods: cheese quesadillas, grilled cheese sandwiches, beef taquitos—anything familiar and safe.

Exercise was out of the question because I could hardly move beyond my comfort zone.

It’s funny how the place that brings you the most comfort can also become the place where you hide from your life.

I felt so disconnected and dissociated that I couldn’t even imagine who the real person was beneath all of the weight I was carrying.

Essentially, I had zero clue who I truly was.

Mind you, I was undiagnosed at the time and didn’t understand my feelings and emotions as well as I do now.

For years, I carried all of this without understanding why I felt the way I did. I thought I was lazy. I thought I was too sensitive. I thought I was too emotional. I thought everyone else had somehow figured out life while I was still trying to understand myself.

Then, a few years ago, I attended an ADHD conference.

Something there struck me to my core.

For the first time in my life, I felt seen.

I remember listening to people describe experiences that I had spent years thinking were just personal flaws or things that made me different. Suddenly, I had words to explain things I had struggled with for years.

It was a true “aha” moment.

That conference changed me.

Not because everything suddenly became better.

It didn’t.

I still had struggles. I still had difficult days.

But something shifted.

A massive weight lifted from my shoulders because I finally had a better understanding of myself.

It gave me hope.

It gave me a reason to start again.

I felt a little more comfortable in my own skin.

So, I started writing. A lot.

Eventually, I created this blog to share my story in hopes that others might resonate with it.

Writing became a way for me to process my experiences. It became a way to connect with others. It became a reminder that the things I thought made me feel alone were actually things many other people quietly experienced too.

It gave me passion. It gave me a desire to make improvements and small changes.

I no longer wanted to sit back and watch life happen.

I wanted to be a part of it.

That’s why the quote above resonates with me so much.

Even in the midst of winter, there was still an invincible summer within me.

I just couldn’t see it yet.

Looking back now, I realize I spent so much of my life trying to become who I thought I should be that I never stopped to ask myself who I actually was.

I was constantly comparing myself to other people. I was measuring my life against timelines that didn’t belong to me. I thought I was behind.

But I think that’s the thing about difficult seasons.

You don’t always recognize how hard they were until you’re on the other side of them.

At the time, I thought I was wasting years of my life.

I thought I had fallen too far behind.

Now, I have a little more compassion for that version of myself.

She was depressed. She was overwhelmed. She was carrying more than she realized. She was trying to survive without understanding why everything felt so difficult.

And maybe that’s why I don’t look at those years quite the same way anymore.

Were they hard? Absolutely.

Were they years I wish had looked different? Yes.

But they also shaped me.

They helped me understand myself.

They led me toward writing.

They led me toward building something meaningful.

They led me toward finally asking myself what kind of life I wanted.

Maybe they were lost years.

But maybe they were also the years that slowly brought me back to myself.

Have you ever had a season of life where you felt lost? What helped you find your way back?

#MentalHealth #Neurodiversity #Depression #Anxiety #AutismSpectrumDisorder #ADHD #ADHDInGirls #MightyTogether