With Many shower posts being shared... I decided to share one too.
So for many years now (at least 5 years) I have been struggling to get myself to take care of me. Really simple things like shower, eat healthy, cut my nails, get a hair cut. Ever since my depression grew, Going to the shower has been really hard. sometimes I go two weeks without showering, I feel disgusting, but I can’t make myself get in the shower. I told my friend once this, and she was so disgusted that I had to tell her I was kidding. Now a days when I get in the shower, I hurt myself. No, not cutting. When I was little I promised my parents that i would never cut myself. So I have other ways of numbing my emotional pain and making it more physical. I turn on the shower to 50*C or 122*F. So when I get out of the shower, I usually have huge red burn marks on my skin. But I can’t help myself. I can’t stop. The physical pain over takes the emotional pain, and gives me momentarily a moment to breathe and just be, without hating myself.
I haven’t told this to anyone, and no one has ever noticed the burns. They fade away quickly. Every time quicker and quicker. Now a days the marks are only there for a day. The next day they are all gone already, like it never happened. Until the next time.
Now to happier news though, I showered 3 days ago. I didn’t turn the shower temp so high it burned, but instead showered in a little lower temp. 45*C or 113*F. It was still enough to leave my skin very red, but it wasn’t nearly as painful. For a while already I have been trying to make myself shower more, and to stop burning myself. And I thought this was a very big step towards that goal.
So here is the end of my very long, unneeded shower post.
I hope everyone has an amazing weekend, and works towards taking good care of themselves.