SupportTeam

My ten-year-old dog had been very ill the last few months before I made the move to live with my parents, and two weeks before I moved, he died in my arms. I was devastated. My parents and oldest brother rushed down to be with me, for the day, and arrange to bury him.
After making the move to my new town, I was Baker Acted twice within a month. The second time, I was put in an excellent psychiatric hospital, where for the first time in my life, they treated me, instead of just housing me. I was reassessed and re-diagnosed with numerous mental illnesses, PTSD, and several personality disorders. I was overwhelmed, but at the same time very hopeful to finally KNOW what was wrong with me and slowly started learning how I could be treated, I started working on myself, and having hope that I was capable of having a meaningful life.
I was in the hospital 19 days. Upon release, I again became unstable, but with my team, who I kept thanks to zoom, and because of the support of my family, I was determined not to give up.
My story is ever evolving, but my purpose for writing it was to say I’m still here. I was in a long term relationship with a narcissist. I was totally isolated and dependent. I was able to gain the courage to leave. I’ve had a very rocky time the last year. I have had to go on food stamps, go to food pantries to ensure I have enough food to eat, I’ve been in need of soup kitchen’s at times. I buy a few clothes here and there at thrift stores. I don’t have my own transportation for the first time since I was 16-years-old, but I am here. I am a stronger person than I ever knew. I have the strongest team and supporting people in my life than I ever could have dreamed for. I have found resources on zoom which have helped me immensely, including staying in close touch with my religious group back where I lived, and gaining new very supportive and selfless people in my life through my SKY meditation class. The SKY meditation program and the Art of Living Foundation with Guradev Sri Sri Shankar’s guidance has proven to be a game changer. Right now, I still am struggling terribly, with my illnesses, my emotional landscape, and my not yet regulated emotions. I get severely depressed and “feel” hopeless. I have intrusive thoughts and images. I have nightmares. I finally feel I am at a turning point. I am starting to trust people. I am reaching out for help. The LEOS are my friends, and go way beyond their job description to aid me both in living and in my recovery. My team never quits. My family loves me. I am in the process getting a service dog as I am on waiting list. I am currently still unstable, but I feel a definite shift. I can’t say I’ll never be baker acted again, because of the nature and severity of my illnesses, but I can say that I believe radical change for the better is about to take place. I should say, radical change is already taking place, but the path to success definitely has peaks and valleys up the mountain, but UP!

That was a year ago. This year, I’ve been in jail and Baker Acted 6 times because of the stress, my illness, and my feelings of loss and hopelessness which caused me to have unclear thinking, poor decision making and to attempt suicide twice. I had many blessings in my life during this time though as well. I started discovering what my core values are, I reconnected with my estranged family, I started to learn how to go into grocery stores and department stores for the first time in many years. I started cooking for myself, cleaning the apartment I obtained,taking care of my needs and my dogs needs and getting to therapy and psych appts for my medication.
The one thing which enabled me to take such a huge step out of my comfort zone was my team- my team was my rock solid. I had come to trust my team as the first people I had trusted to a high degree probably since I was 7. My team was made up of my PsyD, my psych ARNP, my medical doctor, and my clergy leader. I had started working with this team 4-5 years prior. I also had joined the local police program for special needs, and had forged a strong relationship with Law Enforcement Officers.
Four months after moving out, I finalized my divorce. I had to get no stalking protection against my ex-husband because he was not accepting my decision to divorce him. He was bent on “getting me back at all costs,” which included using other people against me, writing nasty letters to my family, threatening my doctors, and provoking me and instigating me, which always ended up in me de-compensating and ultimately being Baker Acted again.
A year after I left, my life was starting to unravel more and more. I had spent one whole tear in an apartment with my dog, alone, never seeing or talking to anyone, not having transportation, and only getting out to go to therapy twice a week. I was slapped with felony charges after getting despondent and trying to commit suicide by cop. I was put into the mental health care diversion program, and suddenly had a whole bunch of people supervising me and running my life. I was expected to appear in front of the judge at the court house in person twice a month, and follow a bunch of guidelines, which I was not used to doing.
With mental health courts ok, I made the decision to leave the beach and move away from my ex-husband and where I now considered my home, to move 4 hours away to live with my parents, who graciously offered me a place to stay. With my family back in my life, after years of estrangement, I started feeling the love that I had never quite been able to feel for many years. My relationship with my oldest brother, got rock solid, my relationship with my parents became open and close, although strained from all of us trying to change our lifestyles to accommodate living together, and my relationship with my other brother, while still shaky, became treasured to me again.
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