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Surviving Narcissistic Marriage and Severe Mental Illness Part 1 #narcissistabuse #Mentalillnessfeelslike #SupportTeam #followme

The past two years, my life has been turned upside down. I suffered through the last year of my marriage under extreme duress, as I tried to get strong enough to leave my controlling narcissist husband. A year ago, I finally made the decision to leave my marriage of 16 years, despite still loving my husband, and knowing how much he tried to love me, but couldn’t because of his illness. I left because of the narcissistic abuse, him isolating me from everyone I had ever had in my life, mine and my dog’s safety, as well as my being stuck in a place of having to violate my true moral code and values to live in that household. I
I gave up having all the money in the world at my disposal, being able to travel internationally or to expensive resorts whenever I wanted, having an unlimited source of money, having a brand new expensive car given to me every other year, having jewelery, shopping sprees etc.
The years before I left, I tried marriage counseling, I pleaded with my husband to get help, and did everything to avoid the inevitable. My husband assured me, that if I left him I wouldn’t get a penny. I am mental disabled, and I knew he was serious, so the decision to leave loomed heavily on me.
The series of events that forced me to make the decision to really leave, despite being totally dependent and never having taken care of myself or lived alone, had to do with my husband putting my dog’s life and safety at risk numerous times over several days, then the night before we were supposed to leave on a $20,000 Caribbean Penthouse cruise, he called me very derogatory names for the last time that I was willing to tolerate, and he punched me forcefully, in the face.
I had packed the car for our two week cruise, but somehow at that moment, I had a strength not my own, which finally broke through my fear of him, and I stood up to him. I did not stand up to him physically or verbally. Instead, I unpacked my stuff from the car, separated our passports etc., gave him all of the paperwork he needed for the cruise, and told him I was not going. Long story short, after not believing me, to begging, pleading and promising to change once again; I did not go on cruise. He left the next day. I immediately called my brother, who rushed down to my city, packed up all of my stuff and put me up in an extended stay motel a city over from mine, in order for me to still be able to see my mental health team.
By that point, I was so isolated from everyone I had known, including my own friends and family because of my husband’s abuse by proxy, and him forcing everyone out of my life, so he could have me dependent and to himself, that I did not know anyone in my city or within 100 miles except a few people at my religious organization and my health care team. My dog and I started a new life, alone and with no resources, except hatefully for my big brothers assistance, to help me until I could figure out a way to survive.


#Addiction #Parenting #Love #Loss #help #followme

I am 32 years old.. sitting here reading that I wonder where i have let my life slip off too.. when i was 11 i tried my first taste of alcohol and i wasnt ever the same. At 13 i tried my first hit of marijuana and it would forever change my life in that moment. I wanted to stay high forever and i didnt really care about much else after that except how to get high.. that one moment really changed the path i was on but when i really think about it.. it was the 2 years of drinking before this that led me there. It's almost 5 a.m. and this is my very first blog but i would like to continue once i know someone may start reading my story and maybe i can help someone along my journey of my online diary. If i am not in the right place maybe someone can direct me to the place i should be writing in. And maybe i just need help myself.

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Self-Love/Self-Care 🍃

Hey everyone,

So I’ve realised over the last few days that self love & self care are two very important things ; and they’ve got to come first before anything. How are you supposed to love anyone/anything if you don’t even love or appreciate yourself?

I’ve always struggled to love myself, and see the good in myself. It’s not just my looks, it’s my personality and the way I act. I’ve always believed I’m not enough and that I’ll always fail. I never did fail. I always did well in school, and college and got my grades and fell into jobs straight away. At the moment, I’m struggling because nowadays in England it’s pretty fucking difficult to get a job with a contract, but as well as that, my mental health has screwed me over a few times. But I know that’s okay now. I try not to feel guilty for it anymore. I’m on my way to success and happiness (finally, I think).

All I wanna do in my life is make a good life for me and my boyfriend but I know if I wanna do that, I’ve gotta push myself that little bit harder and go for it! I’m going back into being a support worker, and I’m even doing a little bit of waitressing where my boyfriend works as a chef. Just waiting on everything to go through properly. I know that I’ve gotta work for the life I desperately want for me and my other half - so I’m gonna do it. I’m finally determined - I just hope I have no more knock backs.

I was out walking my friends dogs yesterday, we look after them when they go on holiday, and I haven’t noticed how beautiful the outside life is for such a long time. The birds were singing, the wind was blowing in my hair & in the trees, the dogs paws were skipping along the path, children were playing and laughing, the air was just so peaceful and it was sunny. I’m so glad I’ve realised the beauty in that sort of thing again - it made my heart so happy.

I finally think the darkness is fading, and the sun is coming out to shine 🌞💫

#MentalHealth #followme #follow4followback #Depression #GeneralisedAnxietyDisorder #SuicideAwareness #SuicidePrevention #Selflove #Selfcare #Motivation #loveyourself

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#BPD #Borderline #MentalHealth #mental #MentalHealthAwareness #MentalIllness People see different parts of me. Some see the hyper Demi silly on a high, others see me more toned down. But not many see the broken sole. I can go from happy to sad to angry to hyper all in one day, sometimes it can stick around longer especially depressive episodes. It’s incredibly hard to be a mother, a partner and a friend. But I am still me. One day I might think nothing can brake me the next I might be on the verge to taking my life. These photos were taken on the same day how I woke up to how I put on my warrior face. The problem being it’s extremely tiring being a warrior, especially fighting the battle alone. I only have ever opened up to one person about this and let one person see this part of me, that person is no longer in my life and it’s the worst feeling in the world. I have never felt so alone with my emotions. My mental illness causes me to be impulsive, moody, overly dependent, childlike and many more challenges. But it also makes me have a grate ability to empathises with others, care about people and love so so much the world stops. I know people don’t understand and I know people will think about everything that could be worse and how I should be fine. But my brain is my brain 🧠 and mental ill health is real. #BPD #Borderline #MentalHealth #mental #MentalHealthAwareness #MentalIllness #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #followforfollowback #follow4followback #followforfollow #FOLLOW #followtrain #followme