therealme

There are a lot of things in life that you have no control over them. One of those things always stands out, in my case, it's my nationality.
Like, no matter where I go, how I think or what I do, it's no good. The moment they hear I'm from Iran, something immediately changes.
Fun fact: if I had a say in where I wanted to be from, I'd be from nowhere near where I'm from now. I didn't choose this, I wasn't asked whether I wanted to be here or not. Just like anybody else.
However, I can't help but feel like, I'm on the outside looking in. I wish I could talk to people about myself and somehow not be judged for it. I just want to be me and that has nothing to do with my nationality.
#therealme

You never realize how hard it is to not care what other people think about you until you are faced with that challenge day after day in an ongoing competition of popularity you never signed up for.

I spent a good portion of my life trying to please everyone else and be what I thought people wanted me to be. I’ve done a lot of work to get to be the person I am today and am still working on ME. This life of pretending to be someone I wasn’t caused me lots of stress and pain and lifelong ongoing mental health complications.

I live honestly and authentically with love, kindness, and acceptance at the forefront of my values. I am a shoulder to lean on for my friends and value others who live with authenticity more than I value material things or the number of friends I have.

I’m surrounded by people who have made it abundantly clear they do not like me at work. I took time off only to return and be told these people are not bullies, they are just kind of unprofessional. I also returned to have additional people ignoring me and pretending I don’t exist. I would never treat someone that way - but now I am returning that behavior by ignoring these people as well.

As of this week, one of these persons even went so far as to make up a lie about me trying to get me in trouble... this bully and their cronies are the “popular” kids in the office and therefore I know nothing will ever improve for me here.

I’m desperately searching for a new horizon in my work life. In the meantime, I’m trying to remind myself what and who I love and live for outside of this Azkaban I have to sit in day after day.

I’m thankful for this community and being able to post about these things without someone stalking my social media just waiting to screen shot something I post. Thank you brothers and sisters. We are worth the lives we wish for ourselves.

Most people see me, they see... I'm thin, relatively fit, pretty enough (depending on the person?), carry myself like I have confidence and zero pain, and seem alert and intelligent.
What's really going on (on an average day)...I slept 9.0.0.5 hours last night but woke up feeling like I only slept for 2 hours. As usual. My neck and thoracic spine are so out of whack that my vision is blurring in and out depending on how I move my head. The subluxated vertebrae are also causing one doozy of a headache, which is threatening to turn full-migraine.
My knees ache going up the stairs, and scream going down the stairs, which I stubbornly take because I hate elevators, they make me queasy, and I want the exercise because I often sit too much.
My left knee is ok today, but my right knee keeps threatening to dislocate and my right hip keeps slipping out and locking intermittently. It was the other side yesterday. My right foot is throbbing because the ankle supports I wear to help keep my ankles from giving out, and also to help keep my knees stable, is cutting into the top of my foot and making my foot feel swollen and uncomfortable. My left foot keeps going tingly every time I sit down anywhere and my most comfortable shoes are digging painfully into my feet.
Every time I have to sit in these torture devices the rest of you call "chairs, barstools, benches," etc, my lumbar spine gives out, my back starts going numb, my fingers and toes start to tingle and my head feels like it's going to pop.
When I reach into my purse to get my wallet out to pay for my water or gas, my right shoulder clicks and feels like it's pinching a nerve that runs down my arm, into my little and ring fingers on my right hand.
My bra, which I wore because I was trying to look my best, and as professional as possible, is squeezing my ribcage so hard it feels like it's forcing my T6-8 out of place, the straps feel like they're going to snap my clavicle like a twig, and the band just might cut me in half or crush my ribs any second, but if I make any part of it any looser, it will completely cease to serve its purpose.
And even though my stride is brisk and purposeful, every time I take a step, I get a stab of pain in my lower back, just above my right hip joint. I'm smiling and joking with the cashier, or the server, or the nurse, but the collective pains are making me tired, cranky, and sort of making me feel like crying, but I don't have time for that. So I do my thing, Go to my appointments. Spend time with the family. Go grocery shopping. Go out with the boyfriend. Play with the dog. Take my classes. Clean the house. Do yoga. Etc, etc. I still do yoga because it hurts more to not do it.
But at least... "At least you're pretty." "You look so young." Yeah. "Good genes." Ha. Great. I'll be the prettiest gal in the hospital gown when they knock me out to look at my insides for the millionth time and still have nothing to tell me. Well, don't I just feel so much better then?

They see someone who is nice, together, but tired. I'm really, like reeeeeallllllly, tired, exhausted, fatigued beyond measure. I've had a migraine that I had to treat today, I've been having predrome symptoms for days, but I can't take anything until the head pain starts. I also have a neurodegenerative disease that causes pain, fatigue, and weakness. I've had to take it easy today and I feel guilty for not getting more stuff done around the house. My husband is great, though, very understanding and loving me always. I'm very lucky to be his wife!
#therealme

I learned over the years my Illnesses do not make me ..me ..now house bound for 3yrs and counting. Most would think.. I should be going crazy and be utterly depressed. When that is the furthest thing from the truth..do I have my days that I cry out of frustration of not being able to do what I want. ..but it is not the real me ..... that is a completely different from the chronic illness person..
The real me likes to laugh as often as possible every day... The real me keeps myself engaged in life even house bound. The real me is loving caring compassionate empathic a good listener trustworthy will only speak the truth if you ask a question no matter if it is blunt or not if you need to hear the truth because no one else has the balls to tell you the truth.. I will...
The real me loved to bake all the time...I have to ask for help now but on a good day I try to bake sweets for my husband that takes such good care of me and the house because I can't...the real me loves to have friends gather and eat good food and good times...
The real me loves to give and receive hugs..
The real me will always be there for you 💜
That is the real me #therealme #checkinginwithme

What I think when I say Selene Hybrid is: a painter, a beautiful woman, an artist on many levels, a lover (of men, women, life, art...), a loving caring mother-like person to the people I love. A success all in all, for now.
Yet I'm constantly afraid that my problem gets to define me. I have bulimia and binge eating disorder, and in some periods I tend to become suicidal. I hate it when I find myself thinking "Selene = Suicide; Bulimia". I'm not that. It hasn't always been like that.
What kept me from sharing with my loving ones and asking for help was the fear of becoming more a problem than a person.
To be "the problem Selene", "Selene the bulimic friend/daughter/ex girlfriend"...
Do you feel the same? Are you afraid that your disorder gets to define you? That your demons steal your face, your name and your personality?

#CheckInWithMe