Someone special maybe in the future
To the woman that could be my life partner,
I want to apologize. My life traumas, PTSD, bullying and parental absence has left me terrorized to approach anyone, even to say hello, much less ask anyone out to enjoy an event.
I have low self-esteem that constantly tells me you couldn’t be interested in me. And that low self-esteem would annoy you because I would always be afraid to be my true self around you.
My traumas have reinforced my low self-esteem. Bullies left me always second guessing my worth, and doubting that anyone could want to be my friend, much less than a life partner. My parental absence for the majority of my life has left me seeing the world like this: If I wasn’t good enough for my parents then how can I be good enough for anyone else. Much of my parental abandonment has been healed because I reached out to my mom and had her kick the Benzos that were causing her to sleep all day and basically ignore me for more than a decade as I was growing up.
My depression started at age 7 and has never gone away. Medicines help treat the symptoms but the depression and constant negative self-talk reinforce my low self-esteem. I have always wondered how someone could be friends with me. My depression and anxiety cause me to cancel plans at the last minute because I am terrified of disappointing the people I am joining. Even going somewhere alone left me scared. Sometimes I could face my fears and often my fears were reinforced. I shop at night because I have less of a chance to see people and fewer people. Crowds of more than 5-10 people leave me extremely uncomfortable sometimes to the point of having to leave to quell my anxiety.
My PTSD is due to the number of unresolved traumatic events along with my decision to go numb and stuff my emotions for more than 25 years. I broke with reality. I started believing the negative self-talk. I developed a tremor in my right hand that serves as an anxiety/stress barometer even to this day. My right-hand shakes unrelentingly when I am under stress.
I continue to work on resolving my low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I see some hope that I will live a full life and feel good someday. Perhaps you will still be there and find me then.
Perhaps someday I will be able to show someone who I am. Until then I will continue to wear my public fake happy face.
I remain hopeful and yet guarded.