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Breaking free, still messed up

So.. I have PTSD/DID, and with a long history of bullying. So, after a huge bullying incident on Thursday, i finally managed to cut off with a very toxic person who has been manipulating and abusing me in several levels (financially, mentally, etc) while playing best friend for two years. I have now been starting realising how bad it has been all the way, and i feel nothing but relief and still a lot of numbness.. and of course she is now hitting back by back talking and making fake stories against me (unfortunately she works with me) but she won't get me back no matter what. It's interesting again now much society pressure for particular roles led to this "you have to have a friend", which often leads to desperate "friendships" or even relationships, often very toxic and abusive. Now I will need probably a lot of support to deal with what she does behind my back, and it won't be easy for sure. But at least I'm out of it. It's also interesting to see how much easier it is to support others in such cases but hard to see it when in it..
#PTSD #Bullying #Abuse #Trauma

7 reactions 4 comments

Increased Hostility #MentalHealth #Depression #Bullying

Today, I had people not only making fun of me, but telling me I should end my life. I’m starting to wonder if I can make it through the last week and a half of school. I’ve somehow been pulling near straight A’s despite everything, but now it’s all dropping and I’m feeling buried by everything. I don’t know what to do.

7 reactions 1 comment

Living in a Wasteland #MentalHealth #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #Bullying

I feel like my mind has become a dump. It feels like the metaphysical equivalent of living in some filthy corrupted landfill. I just want to be safe in my own mind again, but I constantly feel like I’m wading through garbage, stuck in this disgusting mind.
I almost feel like ending my life again because it’s so bad and I have no escape from it. Between my internal, filthy thoughts, and the external voices that constantly bully me and literally tell me to kill myself, it’s becoming too much.

13 reactions 11 comments

More Shaming #MentalHealth #Depression #Bullying

Someone told me today that I should never wear shorts again. And after making my first attempt on my life yesterday, that wasn’t really particularly helpful. And just for context since I’ve never revealed myself on here, it’s not because I’m overweight, but because I’m thin.
And while I still have a good self-image, my public self-confidence has certainly taken a blow after an entire school year of mass amounts of people saying things of that same nature, or even targetting other things about me.
Even around class friends, I found myself uncomfortable the entire day. And I know my school wouldn’t do anything about it because my school sucks at dealing with such things, not to mention there are so many people, some of which I don’t even know who have bullied me throughout the year, it wouldn’t do a lot of good anyway.

Last post for context:

As It Was #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #CheckInWithMe #S...

25 reactions 7 comments

Trauma from school

TW: Bullying

I’m not sure how “appropriate” it is to post here but it’s affecting my mental health so I wanted to ask. I was bullied in school from kindergarten until graduation. Kids were so mean to me. They would spit on my clothes, leave spitballs in my chair, say horrible things, call me names, start rumors, throw things at me, exclude me from everything, start fights in the locker room, and so much more - even a TEACHER got physical with me. Yet every time anything happened it was always my fault. Anyway - the point of this post is to ask if other people went through similar things and if it still bothers them into adulthood. I’m 33 and I still have nightmares about being picked on. I feel silly sometimes that it still bothers me but it does. It’s trauma I’m going to work through in therapy but I want to make sure I’m not crazy for it still affecting me. I did a training yesterday for work about bullying and it brings up so many feelings every year. Anyway - thank you for listening and please let me know if I need more help than I think or if my feelings are valid. #Bullying

11 reactions 5 comments

Someone special maybe in the future

To the woman that could be my life partner,

I want to apologize. My life traumas, PTSD, bullying and parental absence has left me terrorized to approach anyone, even to say hello, much less ask anyone out to enjoy an event.

I have low self-esteem that constantly tells me you couldn’t be interested in me. And that low self-esteem would annoy you because I would always be afraid to be my true self around you.

My traumas have reinforced my low self-esteem. Bullies left me always second guessing my worth, and doubting that anyone could want to be my friend, much less than a life partner. My parental absence for the majority of my life has left me seeing the world like this: If I wasn’t good enough for my parents then how can I be good enough for anyone else. Much of my parental abandonment has been healed because I reached out to my mom and had her kick the Benzos that were causing her to sleep all day and basically ignore me for more than a decade as I was growing up.

My depression started at age 7 and has never gone away. Medicines help treat the symptoms but the depression and constant negative self-talk reinforce my low self-esteem. I have always wondered how someone could be friends with me. My depression and anxiety cause me to cancel plans at the last minute because I am terrified of disappointing the people I am joining. Even going somewhere alone left me scared. Sometimes I could face my fears and often my fears were reinforced. I shop at night because I have less of a chance to see people and fewer people. Crowds of more than 5-10 people leave me extremely uncomfortable sometimes to the point of having to leave to quell my anxiety.

My PTSD is due to the number of unresolved traumatic events along with my decision to go numb and stuff my emotions for more than 25 years. I broke with reality. I started believing the negative self-talk. I developed a tremor in my right hand that serves as an anxiety/stress barometer even to this day. My right-hand shakes unrelentingly when I am under stress.

I continue to work on resolving my low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I see some hope that I will live a full life and feel good someday. Perhaps you will still be there and find me then.

Perhaps someday I will be able to show someone who I am. Until then I will continue to wear my public fake happy face.

I remain hopeful and yet guarded.

#PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Bullying #Hope

12 reactions 2 comments

I wish I could say something positive

I wish I could say I am writing this to share memories, goals, or accomplishments, but I'm not. I'm writing this because I have had it. I feel like every day I wake up and I'm not enough. I lost my best friend, hope, sanity, and worst of all myself. I'm drowning. The things they say to me are unbearable. I have so much going for me. I am achieving a lifelong dream of mine. I met someone who makes me feel whole. These thoughts though...are too much. I may be gone by the time anyone sees this...#EatingDisorders #Bullying #Suicide #Depression #bestfriend

26 reactions 6 comments

Hi I am newish here 🤔

My life was "normal" nothing to see here folks, move along, type normal.

I had a "normal" childhood but a troubled school life, nothing anybody else would call unusual.

I had a "normal" adult life doing "normal" things as anybody else. Sure I ended up a single parent to two kids which was certainly not the initial plan.

I always felt different to others and never felt connected or belonging to a group. I had very few friends but always put that down to either being the new person, (I moved a lot) or to cultural differences between my family and the dominant community around me. I suffered depression which I blamed on genetics and feeling different to others.

I had multiple jobs over the years, the most recent was / is working in an emergency department. One day, a year and a half ago, the ED had a rush of patients from an event that shook me up.

My world crashed and I have been told I suffered a "Decompensation" event. I was strong and could solve this myself. I didn't need help as I could bury this pain and move on. It was suggested I seek help as it was a major event, so I went along as requested. However, the day I understood I really needed help was the day I woke up after a failed suicide attempt.

I have since learned after a year of Psychology appointments, psychiatrist appointments and a very understanding GP, my life that I thought was so normal.....was not normal at all.

I have learnt many lessons and discovered a lot about why I am who I am. I have learnt that I was emotionally neglected as a child, even though I thought it was just normal. I have learnt that many years of school bullying, with no escape day or night, has altered my world beyond my comprehension. I have learnt that burying my pain also buried my joy and was killing my life.

So, I am newish here as I have been sifting through archive stories and posts for a while...... I have discovered people that speak my language and I can relate to more than anybody else.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for the information. Thank you for being around to support each other. Thank you for being unique lovable people.

#CPTSD #Suicide #Depression #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #Bullying #MajorDepressiveDisorder

10 reactions 5 comments