I suffer from erythromelalgia, extreme anxiety, extreme paranoia, depression and what I believe to be PTSD though I haven’t been diagnosed with that because I fear talking about my feelings out loud regardless who it’s too. I’ve had 2 ectopic pregnancies within a year and a half of each other. Both ruptured, leaving me tubeless and infertile which is the root of my depression. Every pregnant mom-to-be is a trigger, every baby announcement, every child. When I see families my first thought is “why not me” then I suppress those feelings as they feel selfish. I’m so good at putting on that fake smile while listening to all the joyous talks about kids accomplishments and family vacations etc. I don’t even think my fiancé can see through it anymore.

I always thought our purpose here was to procreate. I’ve always been a woman of faith and lean on my relationship with God more often than not. It’s those 2 things that stir my anxiety and send me on a downward spiral. What do you do when what you believed to be life’s purpose is no longer an option. How are you supposed to feel when the maker of heaven and earth, the man who can heal the blind... how do you cope with what he has allowed to happen? My children would be 6 & 7 now. Well almost 6. Boy or Girl who knows. I’m sure my eldest would be so proper and ocd but have the kidest heart and walk around giving strangers hugs while the other would be artsy and independent drowning in their own sea of colored pictures. Wow. That’s literally the first time I’ve ever thought about them as little children and not babies with wings in the Heavens. I’ve got eyes filled to the brim with tears, afraid to blink and start the waterfall. Ever been there before? I’m sure the majority of you here have.

And: suppressed.

So my MIGHTY WARRIORS what do I do? I can’t get get away from the constant reminders just like I can’t dig myself out of the pit of hospital bills on top of doctors bills on top of monthly medications to try and keep me sane.

Are they working is the question 👀 👀 🤔

As I lay here..3am.

It’s 3 a m I must be lonely 😞 isn’t matchbox amazing? Rob Thomas and his lyrics have gotten me through some of my toughest times.

Oh Lord please take away this chronic neck and head pain from sever TMJ. I have my cupping set literally laying in bed with me along with an acupuncture pen to help calm my nerves.

I’ve been on antibiotics since MARCH! MARCH!! Do they even do anything after that?

Are you even able to follow my ADHD?

Thank the Lord my erythromelalgia is in check tonight. Now if I could only get my mind to simmer the f* down! Why. Whyyyy? I just don’t understand life anymore. What gives? Where am I supposed to go? What was I put here to do? Why do 99% of humans make me wish they were all dogs? Jesus take the wheel. #Anxiety #mymightystory and then some. #wordvomit #inthemindoftif