weareloved

When does it slow down?
Does it ever get tired?
Why me?
What’s wrong with me?

Ever since I was let go from my job in an email no less, the only place someone could find me is at home. I don’t go anywhere unless I absolutely have to, and even with that, Hunter my #esa dog HAS to be with me with one of my sons to keep me calm while I drive. My sons help me a lot which I’m always grateful, but I also feel guilt of having to ask them to help me with things I should be able to do myself.

If home delivery is possible and at a reasonable price, I would do that instead of saving even more money by going myself. I haven’t seen my PCP since I think October, and I haven’t been in a dentist chair close to a year. Besides my grandma and my two sons who live with me, I’m only fully comfortable being face to face with my best friend who I’ve known since we were basically in diapers, and she’s the only one I’d let come over to my house uninvited.

I get #Anxiety thinking of other uninvited guests. I get anxiety when my phone rings, or when I receive mail. I get anxiety when my mom or aunt asks me through text what’s going on with me.

I get #PTSD when random thoughts of disasters enter my mind… fire, tsunami, the mountains I live between erupting, or thoughts of what if whenever my sons want to go out (I still let them, but it annoys me that I have to tell them to text me to and from places so I know they’re okay). When I think of people I knew that passed from illnesses that were caught too late, which turns to me thinking what if it happens to me. Then to me not wanting anything to happen because I don’t ever want to leave my sons.

Having my sons changed a lot of how I think, and my #mentalwellbeing doesn’t take me to that dark place like it used to way before I became a mom. I want to stay here and see my boys excel in life and grow up to be amazing men. I want to see them have their own family… I seen too many loved ones dying to not want that happen to myself.

I’m trailing off again, so I’m going to put on soothing music and lay down with my dog Hunter… did I mention that late at night by myself, I sometimes feel alone?

Anyway… I’m always wishing for anyone dealing with similar things, wishing them #Positivity and #strength to tackle each day one at a time. #weareloved #wematter #wearenotdefinedbyourillness #EndTheStigma #mentalhealthmatters #MentalHealthAwareness

....even if we may not believe this....we are all loved, individually and unconditionally, by our Guardian Angels, Guiding Spirits and the Holy of Holist. We must trust in this, and embrace this within our human Spirit... We are loved! 🙏🏻
#weareloved