WhyTry

I told myself I wouldn't let this pour over into today when it happened yesterday. But here it is this morning and I'm struggling with that.
Yesterday I was supposed to begin participating in a Mental Health Research Study at my local University. I was excited to be helping in some way. I had done a phone interview. And answered all of their questions and so on and was chosen to participate in it.
So I went yesterday. I was about half way through the first session of answering questions. She had asked me some things and I mentioned my suicide attempt. She asked me about voices. I answered.
Then all of a sudden she excused herself and was gone for a long time. She comes back and she's like, "I'm sorry but when you answered about the suicide and the voices it pinged my professor and she asked me to come see her. Apparently you're not exactly what we're looking for. You're a little out of the scope we're looking for."
I was ShOCKED! It was basically the same exact questions I had answered on the phone weeks before and I gave the same answers. I had mentioned suicide and voices on the phone and the woman was excited to have me be part of the study.
So, I was shocked!!
What I heard was, "I'm sorry, you're a little TOO crazy for what we're looking for!"
It just crushed me and almost felt like it was proof of what I already am feeling all the time anyway.
So, I'm not helping. All I want to do is help and apparently, I'm too crazy to do that. You'd think the more knowledge and more experience I have with mental illness, would be a good thing. But it isn't I guess. So, I went home and did an hour on the treadmill. I guess that's one good thing to come out of it.
So, there's that.
#MentalIllness #Depression #Anxiety #Suicude #Hearingvoices #researchstudy #toocrazy #WhyTry

It seems that regardless of what I do or say, nothing matters. I keep trying my best to help my family and it’s never enough.

Wife wanted a garden and said she’d help with it. Yet, all of it falls to me.

My oldest , who is 21, is finally asking for a car and wants our help, but my credit is poor and my wife wants to dictate what she gets even to the point of telling me that I should withdraw the money from my daughter’s account and just buying her whatever I can find. (I think that’d be a form of theft even though she’d be getting a car).

I cook, do dishes, grocery shop, try to tend to what my children need, and take care of the one entity in my life that doesn’t seem to think I’m a failure (my dog). I can only find part-time work, so I do it, not out of satisfaction, but out of necessity.

I’ve tried to start my own business as I’m a rather good weaver, but it’s not generating any business. Another try, another fail.

It seem like all I ever do is fail. I can’t do enough or earn enough to give them what they want. When I give my time, which is often, it doesn’t matter to them much.

Heck, my wife hasn’t even been intimate with me for a decade now.

I’m so tired of it all. Just feeling like my life doesn’t really matter and no one will really listen anymore. #Lifesucks #DoIReallyMatter #WhyTry #depressed #failure

Whats the point in trying to get those close to you (or who you thought was close to you) to understand what it's like Every. Single. Day. with anxiety? For that second you get the "let me know if I could help you" or "the I'm here for you" talk but, what happens after that? Honestly?
In my experience I get 1 of 3 possibly 4 reactions;
1) Oh I'm sorry to hear your going through that. Let me know if I could do anything to help. (without actual intentions of wanting to help, because your "situation" is "too much" for them)
2) Why don't you just try to be happy? Stop being negative, If you think about happy thoughts then you'll be happy & not be that person nobody wants to be around because you're negative. (Ok SERIOUSLY, if I could & it were that easy I so FUCKING would. Really the "Just don't think about it" approach makes me think you're a jerk)
3) I get it, I understand where your coming from & I'm here for you. no judgement, no down talk. Just Pure 100% here for YOU. (Now this person is the DAMN best! Never judgemental, never down talks my feelings, never makes me feel like I'm alone without anyone here.
4) Why don't you just see a therapist. You shouldn't tell people your personal business.. (Ok really??? If I thought you were just "people" we wouldn't be having this conversation. As for a therapist, It is not the "simple fix" you think it is. Going to a therapist gives me PTSD from my childhood. I haven't gotten past that step yet & it's not easy)

These are just the thoughts I had today at 4am. So I figured I would rant about it for bit since I'm probably going to sit and think about it more .. 😩
thanks for reading 😏
#Isolation #MentalIllness #WhyTry