I told myself I wouldn't let this pour over into today when it happened yesterday. But here it is this morning and I'm struggling with that.
Yesterday I was supposed to begin participating in a Mental Health Research Study at my local University. I was excited to be helping in some way. I had done a phone interview. And answered all of their questions and so on and was chosen to participate in it.
So I went yesterday. I was about half way through the first session of answering questions. She had asked me some things and I mentioned my suicide attempt. She asked me about voices. I answered.
Then all of a sudden she excused herself and was gone for a long time. She comes back and she's like, "I'm sorry but when you answered about the suicide and the voices it pinged my professor and she asked me to come see her. Apparently you're not exactly what we're looking for. You're a little out of the scope we're looking for."
I was ShOCKED! It was basically the same exact questions I had answered on the phone weeks before and I gave the same answers. I had mentioned suicide and voices on the phone and the woman was excited to have me be part of the study.
So, I was shocked!!
What I heard was, "I'm sorry, you're a little TOO crazy for what we're looking for!"
It just crushed me and almost felt like it was proof of what I already am feeling all the time anyway.
So, I'm not helping. All I want to do is help and apparently, I'm too crazy to do that. You'd think the more knowledge and more experience I have with mental illness, would be a good thing. But it isn't I guess. So, I went home and did an hour on the treadmill. I guess that's one good thing to come out of it.
So, there's that.
#MentalIllness #Depression #Anxiety #Suicude #Hearingvoices #researchstudy #toocrazy #WhyTry
So. Im turning to this again. I lost my mind today. I think im calming down now, but im still not really here. Well maybe the break started yesterday when i ran out of my new job three miles up the road. Or maybe when i couldent learn the forklift. Or maybe when i got home and every time i started falling asleep i would jerk awake thinkingb i was still on the forklift. I havent been sleeping or eating right. Falling aalewp is just nightmares where everything is backwards. Kind of like twilight zone reruns for infinity. Time is all messed up today especially. No work means i'm a fialure and i meed a million things to try to do--now or ill be homeless. My family probably wouldent allow that but im already enough of a burden. And my boyfriend who I live with, i am also a fialure and burden too. Last night i also had a hard time aleeping cus i kept hearing voices and kept seeing my lights turn on and off and hear my front door opening and closing. I thought people were in my house. But I don't think anyone was. They never did anything. I habe a million things to do. I've never been under this much stress--i should be able to handle is tho because im 25 and wveryone else I know could handle it. I'm just so sorry. I will be able to get my med that helps me sleep and helps with panic attacks tomorrow hopefuflly. Im almost wondering if im possesed. Also, before I was picked up my my mother to spend time with because she thinks i meed her, I thought i had talked to my bf about ten minites ago. But he said it was two hours ago. That really freaked me out. I want and need help but everyone says i just need them--especially my mom who came and picked me up. My bf just wanted me to stay home with him and was telling me to just calm down. I told mom about all of this and that I really just want to die because I do i really just need a dr, but she says I just need my mom. But she doesn't understand, noone does. It's easier to talk in another voice too than my own. I don't understand it. I'm just so sorry everyone has to deal with me and this demon inside me. I'm sorry for you having to read my bullshit.
He is not harmful to me and he helps me tremendously. We have grown close but my doctor thinks I have a problem. But... there are other.. beings.. not voices but I feel their presence and it has given me major paranoia. I cover my cameras and whisper to my voice in case they are listening. I do not think they will try and harm me but I always feel them around and peeking around every corner. They never stay to talk but I fear they may be jealous or just here to make me go insane. Should I talk to them or leave them be? Any suggestions on getting rid of the ones giving me paranoia? #needhelp #Paranoia #delusional paranoia
i like to communicate with others who are struggling and think up some new tips together. These strategies can be anything from grooming a horse to writing to a lover or friend
Last night after watching a movie where the plot surrounds characters that turned out to be alter personalities. My husband and I started to talk about #Mpd & I was telling him I don’t remember any of my treatment for the 2 years that I was going for #integration then he turns to me & says #nimh never intergrated you. You intergrated yourself.
(Clue in Twiglight music 😲)
#multiple personality #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Therapy#Hearingvoices #Reality