Hurt and down
I'm so fucking tired of the roller coaster. Stop the world I want to get off!
I'm missing my FP something terrible. It's killing me that she kicked me to the curb. Told me, "I don't have space for you in my life." She doesn't know I have BPD since I've only recently been diagnosed.
I don't know if I should send her information on this fucked up disease or let it slide a little longer. The shitty part is ... it's my daughter.
I was doing fine with her decision after I was crushed with sadness and overwhelming pain when she left me. It's been two months since we have spoken.
The crushing feelings came rushing back in after my granddaughter spent the night over the weekend. I miss her so so very much. I want to try and mend things, but hurtful words were spoken by me. She's not sure she can forgive me.
I have a lot of therapy to do before I can try to heal us. I'm not sure she'll ever forgive me. It goes back to over a year ago.
The only time she'd try to talk to me about it was when she was drunk. I'd hang up on her. You can't reason with a drunk. We just talked in circles so nothing ever got accomplished. Of course that was my fault too. (She said)
It'll never be the same between us and that's the part that hurts the most. I trigger her. It kills me knowing I trigger my daughter. She has to be drunk or high to just be around/talk to me.
It's really fucking hard right now.