Relationships

Content warning: kidnapping, sexual violence, drugs, cartel violence, suicidal ideation, trauma. No graphic detail.

I still have nightmares about Colombia and the Colombian cartel almost every night.
People think I just moved back, but that’s not what happened.

What happened lasted longer than people realize.

It started with about two weeks of heavy drug use by my boyfriend. That’s when I realized this wasn’t just partying — it was addiction. Then he met cartel members. Then plans started forming that I didn’t fully understand at first, but I knew were dangerous.

They figured out where we lived.

The first kidnapping didn’t just “happen.”
He was taken. He was beaten. He was sexually assaulted. He was forced to take drugs. He was robbed. He ran for his life and made it back.

We went to the police. They did nothing.

After all of that, he still refused to leave.

Two days later, I fled the country. I didn’t choose to leave — I had no choice. I fled for my life. If they had taken me, I wouldn’t have been held for ransom. I would have disappeared. That’s how they operate.

I had to leave my dog behind in Colombia, in boarding. She was still a puppy. I was gone for a month and a half before I could get her back. I need people to know this part, because it felt impossible — but I did get her out. That part still wrecks me.

One day after I left, they saw him outside our apartment. They picked him up again.
The second kidnapping.

I found out while I was on my way back to the United States.

There was a ransom. Sixteen thousand dollars. A number that doesn’t sound real until it is.

Drugs were still involved. Fear was constant. My body felt nauseatingly dizzy, dissociated, unreal — like I was watching something that couldn’t possibly be my life.

He told me he wanted to die.

I was in another country, on the phone, trying to keep him alive. The hardest part of that wasn’t exhaustion — it was the fear and the responsibility. Knowing that if I said the wrong thing, or didn’t say enough, I could lose him. I had to convince him to leave. To come back. To survive.

We stayed together for six more months after that.

People don’t understand that part. They think trauma has an ending. It didn’t. It followed us home. PTSD stacked onto BPD. Abandonment wounds blew open. My eating disorder came back as my body tried to regain control. My nervous system never stood down.

And then, after all of it, we broke up.

That part still feels like shock, betrayal, and emptiness all at once. I don’t know how you survive something that extreme together and still lose each other afterward.

I’m sharing this because I need somewhere this can exist. I need to talk about it. I need to hear how other people would feel about this. I need to know I’m not crazy for still having nightmares, for still waking up in a cold sweat, for still dreaming about the cartel every night.

This didn’t end when I left Colombia.
It didn’t end when we came back.
And it didn’t end when the relationship did.

I'm numb.Did I understand the level of animosity? UHM,NO.I do not hate people like he says I do.I walk away from those who aren't nice to me.After chance after chance and opportunity. I come from major mean girl types and I can not be around it and I did spend years, calling them out. I miss the supportive ones, they, never took issue, with any of traits.I am who I always have been.I never understood why someone would toss someone aside for their sexual history, preference and ideology.it is a tiny fraction of your being.If I judged others, based on that,who they were with, what that person did, liked and enjoyed, I'd be called much worse. Seriously? That, is weird, to me. Funny thing is, I have questioned how did those two end up happening but not who has he slept with? About anyone in my life.If you do, that's is weird
That to me in extremely strange behavior, to want to know.Why not ask yourself instead.
Disect your own body, desires and hangups, instead ofhangup, Get your own spice, in your own life.Mines Taken..Read a spicy novel, take that picture, Live a little.

Thats some stalking, Dahmer, level shift, to name off past relationships.Collecting and displaying someone's life as if, it is disposable,soiled or, defective, it is sad and they, need to find simple values, integrity and character.
Yes, simplicity for my complexities.I restart my life, quarterly 😆 🤣 due to, others, review and systems in place.I will be able to contribute more financial when the emotional support is consistent and I will rebuild my faith in him.He will not die of guilt, remorse or alone.I want him to enjoy his life, feel pride in us again and find his voice to lead his house.We did have plans and friends, together but he has a separate group.He needs to acknowledge his role, still but I will not ruin him, ever.He has been my world, my everything,even when he has no clue what to do.

I fall every fckn time,every trap, every response and I can't even stop myself from defending myself anymore.
Yes my https://patterns.I told him and he did not care, did nothing, https://nothing.Didnt communicate, go to therapy, try or end the relationship. He wants both worlds, https://seperate.He chose to defame me, tell people a one sided version two years after showing he didnt https://care.He was strategic and denies involving his entire side? Before I went on S.S., not after, https://before.And his mind was made up three years https://prior.I know now and I remember all of it.
I have evidence and it is abusive disguised as concern. Blatantly harassing me as if I'd crawl away. Phasing me out like that, bating me, setting me up, laughing at me.Seriously.WTF, who do they think I am? I was raised in abandonment.
I want out, I'm not ungrateful or selfish, at all. I am awake, big difference and to deliberately do this to a woman, is fvkn sick.

It’s 3 months since the accident that severely altered my plans. The accident happened at a cardio exercise class. For reasons no one knows a lady did a baseball slide while she running to me. She knocked my feet out from underneath me, I went up and over her and landed on a hard wood floor.

My right leg suffered multiple fractures and needed extensive bone grafts and nine screws inserted into the leg. I had a great surgeon who put the leg back together but it cost in excess of $10,000 for the treatment. Numerous people suggested I bring legal action against the lady for her reckless actions. I did consider that, but ultimately chose to forgive instead.

Now I am all for self advocacy. And in fact 3 years ago I did bring limited legal action against a hospital that misdiagnosed an injury. Their carelessness meant I was hours away from having a leg amputated and 24 hours away from dying due to sepsis.

A lawyer said I could and should sue the hospital and that a six figure payout would be guaranteed. Ultimately I didn’t sue the hospital. What I wanted to know was how could things go so wrong but more importantly what they would do to ensure it didn’t happen to anyone else.

Their investigation unearthed the fact that my treating doctor made multiple errors and attempted to cover it up be deleting my electronic record and shredding my paper file. For these reasons the doctor was sacked.

Wanting some good to come out of a traumatic experience I told the hospital if they would make a $5000 donation to an orphanage in Indonesia, that I am heavily involved in, I would not bring legal proceedings against them. They made the donation and I moved on.

Forgiveness does NOT mean what happened to us was ok and it does NOT minimise the trauma we experienced. It does mean we choose to forgo our desire for retribution.

I have forgiven the lady whose reckless actions shattered my leg and left me with a painful and slow journey back to health. I went down that path because I didn’t want the exercise classes shut down, they are free for our local community. I chose to forgive so that bitterness didn’t get planted in my heart.

It hasn’t been an easy decision but for me it’s the right one. I don’t want to recover physically but also mentally and emotionally.

Do you find forgiveness easy? I don’t. Yet, it is a great path to walk when we can.

Supporting someone who lives with mental illness can be both deeply loving and profoundly challenging. You may want to help, protect, or fix what they’re experiencing—yet find yourself feeling helpless, exhausted, or unsure of what to say or do. Mental illness does not exist in isolation. It affects relationships, families, children, and entire systems of care.

Research consistently shows that caregivers and loved ones of individuals with mental illness experience increased emotional strain, secondary trauma, and burnout—particularly when support systems are limited (Orford et al., 2013).

Understanding how to support someone in a way that is compassionate, trauma-informed, and sustainable requires more than good intentions.

It requires education, boundaries, patience, and care for yourself as well.

Understand Mental Illness Beyond the Stereotypes

Mental illness is not a character flaw, weakness, or lack of resilience. It is a broad term that includes conditions affecting mood, thinking, behavior, and emotional regulation. Many mental health conditions are influenced by genetics, neurobiology, trauma exposure, and social determinants of health such as poverty, housing instability, and systemic inequities (Public Health Agency of Canada [PHAC], 2022; World Health Organization [WHO], 2023).

Symptoms often fluctuate. Periods of stability may be followed by episodes of distress. This does not mean treatment has failed or that the person is not trying. Mental health recovery is often non-linear and individualized (Mental Health Commission of Canada [MHCC], 2021).

Lead With Empathy, Not Assumptions

Validation and emotional safety are foundational to mental health support.

Trauma-informed research emphasizes that being believed and heard reduces distress and improves engagement in care (SAMHSA, 2014).

Supportive responses include:

*Listening without minimizing or rushing to fix

*Avoiding comparisons to others’ struggles

*Acknowledging feelings even when you don’t fully understand them

Statements such as:

*“That sounds really overwhelming.”

*“I’m glad you trusted me with this.” helps reduce shame and isolation.

Encourage Support—Without Forcing It

While professional treatment can be essential, autonomy and choice are critical. Evidence shows that individuals are more likely to engage in mental health services when they feel respected rather than coerced (WHO, 2023).

Support may include:

*Therapy or psychiatric care

*Medication management, when appropriate

*Peer support or group therapy

*Trauma-informed or culturally responsive services

Offering help with practical barriers—such as navigating systems or attending appointments—can increase access without undermining independence.

Learn the Difference Between Support and Rescue

Family systems research highlights that over-functioning or “rescuing” can unintentionally reinforce dependency and delay recovery (Orford et al., 2013).

Support empowers.
Rescue removes agency.

Helpful questions include:

*“What would feel supportive right now?”

*“How can I be here without taking over?”

This approach preserves dignity while offering care.

Set Healthy Boundaries (Yes, Even With Mental Illness)

Boundaries are a cornerstone of sustainable support. They protect both the person offering care and the person receiving it. Trauma-informed frameworks emphasize that boundaries are necessary for emotional safety—not signs of rejection (SAMHSA, 2014).

Healthy boundaries may include:

*Limiting emotionally overwhelming conversations

*Protecting your own mental health and time

*Saying no to unsafe or harmful behaviors

*Taking space when interactions escalate

You can be compassionate and have limits.

Be Mindful of Language

Language shapes stigma, self-concept, and help-seeking behavior. Research shows that minimizing or dismissive language can worsen symptoms and discourage individuals from seeking care (Corrigan et al., 2014).

Avoid:
“Just think positive.”
“Everyone feels like that.”
“Why can’t you just get over it?”
Instead, use language that validates experience:
“I know this isn’t something you chose.”
“Your experience is real and it matters.”

Know When It’s More Than You Can Handle

There may be moments when someone is in crisis or unable to keep themselves safe. In these situations, involving professional or emergency support is evidence-based and appropriate—not a betrayal (PHAC, 2022).

If there are immediate safety concerns:

*Encourage contacting a mental health professional

*Reach out to crisis services

In Canada, call or text 988 for suicide crisis support

You are allowed to ask for help.

Take Care of Yourself

Caregivers and loved ones of individuals with mental illness are at increased risk of anxiety, depression, and compassion fatigue (Orford et al., 2013). Self-care is not optional—it is protective.

You are allowed to:

*Seek your own therapy or peer support

*Take breaks without justification

*Have needs separate from the person you support

Supporting someone should not require self-abandonment.

A Personal Reflection

Through my work in trauma-informed spaces and child welfare—and through lived experience—I have seen how mental illness impacts entire family systems. I have also seen the harm caused when people are expected to carry more than they should in silence.

Healing happens where compassion meets boundaries, and where support does not come at the cost of one’s own well-being.

Final Thoughts

You cannot cure someone’s mental illness.You cannot carry their healing for them.

But you can offer presence, patience, and respect.

You can support without controlling. You can love without losing yourself

BigmommaJ
#MentalHealth #Awareness #Support