Yesterday, my partner and I were playing a card game meant to bring couples closer together. One of the questions I got was: “How have you changed in the past year?”
I said there haven’t been any major changes in my life, except that I’m no longer on antidepressants. That has actually affected me a lot, both positively and negatively, because of the strong side effects I used to experience.
Then my partner added that he thinks I’ve changed because I’ve started trying harder. He said that before, when he asked me to help more around the house, I might do it once, but then stop until he reminded me again. Now, he said, I’ve started exercising regularly, cleaning more, and making more effort in general. He sees that as a big improvement.
I gently corrected him. Yes, I’m glad he noticed the change, but the situation is actually the opposite of what he described. The truth is: I’m not trying more now — I just have more energy because I feel slightly better.
When I’m deeply depressed, I push myself so much harder just to get through the day. Every little thing takes an enormous amount of effort — even basic hygiene, going to work, eating properly, or keeping up small talk. That’s when I’m actually trying the most.
He told me it’s the opposite for him — that he doesn’t try at all when he feels down, and puts in effort only when he feels good.
That really upset me.
It reminded me of something he told me a while ago that also hurt deeply. We had a conversation about why we’re even still together, and his answer was:
“Because I’m still waiting for you to change for the better — and then I’ll be happy with you again. Then I’ll love you again.”
That hit me hard.
Because when I’m at my lowest, I am doing everything I can — going to work, trying to stay healthy, exercising, eating properly, staying clean, trying to be a decent partner.
But none of that effort seems to be visible. It doesn’t seem to matter. It feels like people only value you when you're in a good mood, when you have energy, when you seem “normal.” But when you're depressed or emotionally heavy, you get labelled as lazy, unmotivated, and not fun to be around. Even by those who are supposed to love you the most. And that makes me feel even more alone.
#Depression #Relationships