Hi everyone. I hope all your hearts and minds are being kind to you today. I've never been on anything like this before and have no idea what to expect. I guess I could start by saying a bit about what is going on...
I recently got out of a very abusive relationship which is taking a heavy toll on my mental health and self worth. I ignored the aftermath of the effects for a while, but they are for sure catching up to me now! I've been pushing myself to keep doing university although I find it way too academically easy and unchallenging. I am SO bored. But have been trying to distract myself from the abuse as much as possible. Recently, I got into a car accident (thankfully all is okay) but that feels like it added more trauma to an already shakey system. The car was non functional after the accident... yeah, it was pretty bad.
I realise that I keep ignoring myself. And I'm almost terrified to share the details of what happened because I can't live it again. I don't want to believe that he could hurt me so much. I don't want him to have that power over me and I'm livid. I have the opportunity to be on a year abroad and want to do so much. But my depression makes me feel like I can't. There is no energy in my tank to do the work and keep going. I did want to hurt myself a few times and had super dark days. And I think I need a semester off to regroup but I am eating myself alive saying that I am not worth it. And that I have to prove I am enough by going to university. I feel stuck between wanting help and getting out of this, but so drained and held back and incapable of making descisions and trusting myself.
Just feeling so stuck at the moment. I don't know how to not attack myself for feeling bad. Its a pretty painful cycle and I feel shame for being like this.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate your time.