A normal and low-stimulation life was, in my opinion, a boring life. If things got too calm, I had to shake it up a little with a dramatic outburst, drunken display, or some kind of problem.
Dysregulation was was my “normal”, partially because it was what I had experienced growing up, and partially because the media I took in so often told me that was how life was.
I was a walking talking brainwashed media parrot. My humour existed in quotes from movies and mutual likes or dislikes of celebrities I would never knew, yet knew so much about. My conversations heavily relied on other’s media indoctrination to connect….and if that didn’t work, there’s always addictions like smoking and partying to bond on!
I struggled with romantic relationships… “Why can’t I keep a boyfriend? Why do they always leave?” I made myself exactly who I thought they wanted me to be, and yet they usually would just ghost me or left me on read…permanently. To say I “came on strong” is an understatement. I reeked of desperation, yet was completely oblivious to it all.
I was getting abandoned because I had abandoned myself… I was behaving recklessly, feeding addictions and compulsions, and was generally living completely unconsciously.
I never paid attention to the music or media I consumed, or even thought about the correlation between my messy mental space and my media intake.
I lived for TV series…the longer the better… how many seasons can I escape my mind and my life? What characteristics can I take on from characters in the media I was consuming to make myself more attractive, funny, or interesting?
Over time, I grew to learn how this addiction to chaos was not serving me. I wanted to help other people, but who would take advice from someone who doesn’t have their shit together? No one, that’s who… Would you take health advice from someone sitting in a McDonalds wolfing down a Big Mac, extra large coke and fries? Yeah no…I didn’t think so…
I dreamed of becoming an elder that people would look up to, but I came to realize that my behaviour and lack of stability was nothing to look up to, so I realized I had some changes to make. I eventually also became a mom, which made me really examine my behaviour and my general way of being. BPD can be genetic, but it can also be learned. I am not looking to pass this disorder on to anyone else, I am trying to prevent it from spreading, so that's why I'm here! :)
#BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
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