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To feeling crappy

I am having a crappy morning today. You know those mornings where your mind gets bombarded by these random thoughts one after another. At one point, it just becomes so overwhelming that you just want to cry. And I have absolutely no idea as to what triggered.
These thoughts are pretty common but it's during such crappy mornings that they become more intense. Why I am the way I am, why can't I be more free, more social, more less stressed out, more like her, why did I do this?
All these memories from the past start coming asking me why I did what I did.
And I don't it helped the fact that I had a dream where both my parents got killed.
Yeah, I know. It was a terrifying nightmare to witness.
And those of you who read this on Christmas morning, I am so sorry to be umm so depressing.
I just wanted it to be released from my conscience.
#doesn 'tfeellikechristmas #2020sucks #crappymornings

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I just ordered a coffin for my fur baby who’s still alive

I feel so incredibly awful today. My 13-year-old American Staffordshire terrier is really unwell. She’s recently been diagnosed with severe hip displaysia and spinal bridging, and her cognitive status has gone dramatically downhill in the last two weeks. I’ve come to the point of the ultimate cost-benefit analysis - her quality of life versus ... *cries quietly* putting her to sleep. I picked a spot in the yard, but because of all the tree roots I messaged a nearby neighbor who has an excavating company to help dig a hole. I found a biodegradable wood coffin on Etsy and ordered it.
My dog is still alive.
I feel like such a complete ... d*ck doesn’t even fit how awful I feel. I don’t want Xandia to suffer, but I keep weighing it against “We didn’t put Grandma to sleep!” She’s not “all there” right now - I catch glimpses of the dog she was, but ...
I literally haven’t slept more than two hours per night for more than a week. I’m insomniac anyway, but I’m somewhere near psychosis from lack of sleep - I dream while awake and I’m hearing things. I’ve been staying with her in the living room at night to take her outside when she wakes up suddenly. If I don’t catch her in time it triggers a seizure and it’s like a combination of Old Faithful and the Trevi fountain. After three nights of washing dog beds I learned to sleep lightly.
So - add #MDD #Dysthymia to the mix and my life is ... indescribably bad in conjunction with #2020 and the #pandemic . I’d really rather stay in pjs all day curled up with stuffies, but I work from home and have to at least appear productive.
#Lifesucks #whenwillthealiensabductme #CanIDieNow #Depression #Dysthymia #deathsucks #furbabies #stuffies #Pjs #2020sucks