Persistent Depressive Disorder

Yesterday to this morning for me is another example of why I am so thankful every day that I took the University of Pennsylvania’s online course on learning and applying resilience skills, so grateful that I typed up every single word that was taught, and that I recently started this group to share this critical knowledge from the actual people that researched this.

U. of Penn’s definition of Resilience is not only the ability to bounce back from adversity, but also the ability to grow from challenges.

In this course, Dr. Karen Reivich focuses on the psychosocial aspects of resilience. The aspects of resilience that are determined by your psychology, and by your social relationships and interactions.

So, yesterday was one of the rare days within recent years that 1) my fatigue completely took hold of me, and 2) my brain’s sleepiness was to the point that most of my brain would not wake up - all day- and I could see myself not able to function practically at all.

It’s not like this was the first time this ever occurred, and it’s always a possibility, but it is still very hard to watch myself go through this and it is also very hard to wake up from the next morning—the kind of “slap in the face” reminder that oh yeah, I live with a chronic illness that can at times, and I will never know when, will have me almost completely disabled.

So, this morning I woke up with this “setback.” And I look at it like I was brought to a “fork in the road.” And now while yesterday’s adversity was not in my control, this morning, which I always work to look at as a fresh, new day full of good possibilities, it was actually now in my control as to which way I let myself go in my mind at this “fork in the road.”

Of course upon waking up, my mind started on autopilot and took me the wrong direction. Then, the moments that I made myself ready for, the clarity, the practice of never staying in autopilot and moving forward on purpose, with intention, with as much control as I can have and before it gets too hard to get the control back.

I turned my brain’s thinking around, I put my focus on the truths that were on my side- including but not limited to the fact that I Have Bounced Back From Much Worse Than This…;and I turned my mind away from dangerous cognitive distortions and right then and there pretty fast I would not let the negativity bring me downward.

Yesterday, I still had the mindful awareness to apply radical acceptance, non-judging, patience, trust, and just letting be with what is — for this one day -these are part of the 9 Attitudes of Mindfulness that I have begun to write posts about here for you. These all link together with the skills of resilience.

What you will learn too here, amongst other important things is that -it is when we start paying attention to our inner experience, that we rapidly discover that there are certain thoughts and feelings and situations that our mind seems to want to hold on to.

And amongst other what are called “resilience interventions” that I applied were these skills that I committed to in living with intention- what are called “protective factors” that I nurture every single day so they will be there for me when I need them most, when I have to dig deeper from a wider range of resources —

I learned the Critical Skill of Optimism —which gives us the attitude to continue to persist —and I learned how Optimism is the most important factor in resilience and in all of life - well-being and strong relationships;
I commit myself to living for clarified purposes that are bigger than myself, this is not limited to relationships, it is even better for our wellbeing to have an attachment to something larger than yourself which might also be to a mission, to a purpose, to an idea, something that you believe is critically important and worth fighting for (by the way, my personal mission is that all of you are worth fighting for);
I learned what my Personality/Character Strengths are and I learned how to leverage them;
I Developed Mental Agility;
I learned how to create a “buffer of positivity”, and what is called the “Broaden And Build” theory of positive emotions;
I learned how to take control of “thinking traps” by applying “cognitive strategies”…

All of these are what is so effective about the newest branch of psychology that I approach my life by to overcome all that I do overcome— where in addition to everything else, we build strengths supports.

Positivity Psychology, a somewhat newer term, describes a dual approach to mental health- where we build strengths supports, and healthy lifestyles, as well as treating illness and distress.

AlI of this is all what I will keep breaking down into chunks in most of my posts here to this group.
This takes some work first on my part - to keep breaking down the many variables- so bear with me.

#MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ChronicFatigue #ChronicIllness #Disability #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #Depression #Anxiety #MoodDisorders #MotorDisorders #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AutismSpectrumDisorder #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #BipolarDisorder #Selfcare #ADHD #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #Cancers #Addiction #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #RheumatoidArthritis #SocialAnxiety #LearningDisabilities #CrohnsDisease #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #RecurringMDD #TreatmentresistantDepression #Mindfulness #MDD #TRDSupport #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #AutonomicDysfunction #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #MultipleSclerosis #LymeDisease #MajorDepression #ClinicalDepression #MotivationMonday #resilience #Grief

Dry bones rattle in a lonely soul
Slipped and fell into a deep black hole
I can tell you're lost, I'm here for you
Wildfires burning you down to stone
Blind eyes, turning from a world so cold
A million miles apart, within my reach
It's not like me to worry
But when I see you fading in the dark
I'll leave a light on for you
Through the long nights, I will be right
There for you if you drift too far
I'll leave a light on for you, you, you
The rain comes following an endless drought
To wash away the remnants of all your doubt
I hope that you'll see me looking out…….”

Please 🙏 go to this link below for a Guide to having a Real Conversation about mental health and pass this on, share it with everyone and anyone that you need to be there for you, and they just don’t know how they can help you.

I have found out myself within the past year with an old friend of mine that she just needed my guidance on how she could be a better and supportive friend through my dark which is only a part, but still a part of who I genuinely am. And she realizes now that to be my friend is to know about all of me. And, she has actually become really great at giving me the support I need without me asking for it too. And, our friendship has grown stronger from the honesty and true empathy.

On their website in their real convo guide they start by saying this that people do not know and they get wrong — “you don’t need special training to have an open, authentic conversation about mental health – and often, just talking about it can be the first important step in understanding where someone is with their mental health.”

How to Start and Continue a Convo About Mental Health | AFSP

At the beginning of the song’s video there is silence with a black screen and these words in white:
“Suicide is a topic that hides in the shadows.
It’s Time we talk away the dark.
We can all play a role in keeping ourselves, and the people in our lives (and community) safe.
Let’s leave a light on for each other by learning how to Talk Away the dark.

The song’s royalties will directly benefit the AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) for the rest of it’s existence. Suicide has impacted almost everyone and it’s so important to “Talk Away The Dark” and teach all how to have a conversation that could safe a life.

The lyrics also exist as a shoulder to lean on for those who feel alone in times of mental turmoil.

Frontman Jacoby Shaddix emphasized that mental health is not an individual struggle, but rather a serious issue that "affects all of us."

Finally, the critical message is starting to get out there that We All have a role in preventing suicide and supporting each other’s mental health.

#MightyMusic #Music #musictherapy #Songs #Lyrics #MentalHealth #Depression #Grief #Loneliness #Anxiety #Caregiving #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #BipolarDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDepression #Disability #CerebralPalsy #RareDisease #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #MoodDisorders #MotorDisorders #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #DepressiveDisorders #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #IfYouFeelHopeless #MightyTogether #AnorexiaNervosa #EatingDisorders #Fibromyalgia #ParkinsonsDisease #Migraine #Cancers #POTS #CheckInWithMe #FamilyAndFriends #Epilepsy #Autism #PanicAttacks #PanicDisorder

We all have to remember this.

I will also “turn a light on” for each of us and we can all be a light for each other.

I can also switch on my my battery-operated, flameless, safe for my 2 kitties, candle for you.

#DistractMe #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #inspire #Inspiration #Selfharm #Grief #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #MightyTogether #youarenotalone #alone #Loneliness #TRDSupport #TreatmentresistantDepression #MentalHealth #BipolarDepression #MajorDepression #MDD #ChronicIllness #RecurringDepression #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PersistentDepressiveDisorder

I have had this song on repeat this week. I hope you listen to it free on YouTube or however, but a video with the lyrics is even more helpful.
I hope these lyrics with his voice on this particular song helps wash away some of your pain too.
Try consciously breathing in an out while you listen to his resounding lyrics:

Take my mind
And take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal, heal, heal

And take my past
And take my sins
Like an empty sail takes the wind
And heal, heal, heal, heal

And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last

And take a heart
And take a hand
Like an ocean takes the dirty sand
And heal, heal, heal, heal

And take my mind
And take my pain
Like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal, heal, heal

And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last
And tell me some things last

#Pain #Trauma #heal #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #MajorDepression #ClinicalDepression #Fatigue #ChronicIllness #Disability #TRD #TreatmentresistantDepression #ChronicFatigue #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #MoodDisorders #PersistentDepressiveDisorder #DepressiveDisorders #Grief #Songs #Lyrics #MentalHealth #MightyMusic #musictherapy #Music #BipolarDepression

Grief, loss and the resulting loneliness can bore into one's soul deeply and painfully. The anguish and despair in its wake be very overwhelming. Anxiety and remorse also works its way often to dread. And as an elderly man in his mid fifties I have lived a life where to admit and acknowledge this sense of vulnerability could be shockingly juvenile for some. There's also the fact that given my seeming background of privilege and scholarship I should have had a life so ordinary if not disastrous.

Indeed so it is - an existence full of falls, knocks, failures and setbacks. Initially as a youth I gave myself fully into whatever I got into. Of course I was not perfect. Anything but perfect. Flawed at several levels but more optimistic, positive about prospects & futures. Then I was not deeply sombre, melancholic, sedate and aware of both my agential self and an understanding of how people and society play out as I'm today though by rights being a student of history and sociology should have given me an advantage. I was not bestowed with the best of cognitive abilities or acute intellect or seductive charisma to shine in relationships, academia or competitive career where I could be very favorably compared with my peers among family and friends. I think I was deeply ADHD as a kid, something I realised only few years back. But I was yet a romanticist even then. So there was this bravado and cockiness infused with hubris. Several of my actions emerging from such a context were naturally not the most edifying and many obnoxious. Bad karmas had to result probably.

When in my early 30s I had my first bout of depression. I cowered, lost hope and that I'm a loser hit me like a sledgehammer. However as the only son I always had my parents support particularly my father who never judged me and never thought less of me because I was not on a jet setting career and success trajectory. He saw to it I was given proper support and treatment. After counseling, medication and even forced internment in an institution I was back again and again pepped myself to work my way through in a domain of my choosing (pedagogy of sociology & history) though this domain was already rigged. Don't know whether things went my way or I just remained persistent, positive but I managed to pull along for another 10-12 years. But misery, failures, sheer bad luck caught up again. I often wonder if someone, indeed many are deeply orchestrating my doom by casting spells, magic or voodoo. Recently nightmares too have become repeated and common. Mornings are scary.

I lost a relationship which I still cherish. Not just that, I lost an entire ecosystem of living built from scratch (which included a pair of adorable dogs). Then I lost my parents. Kins were never too indulgent but even most friends disappeared. I had worked around to a view that life was much more than work, career and family and indeed lived such a life with my partner who too bought into this view. We had no kids either. Won't go into all details for now. But my relationship ended and I was uprooted in several sense of the word. Uprooted physically, socially that has left a deep emotional, painful, shameful scar. And top it all there's guilt. (again too complex to explain the many whys and hows of my guilt and shame was conspired by unforgiving circumstances and embarassing magnitude of misfortune. Have done so in earlier posts. I nevertheless can't and don't want to blame any person for my misery) And so for last 10 years and more I'm living a deeply impaired life stripped of solace, comfort leave alone joy or happiness.

At its extreme these result in acute shame ...you just want to kill yourself. Then less macabre is to shut yourself from the world. Bury yourself in your-self, your room, shutting out the world. You can bury in work or some pursuit too, numb yourself and cope. Not that it makes meaning and often work for someone persistently jinxed can exacerbate anxiety and hurt but that’s the mechanism to deal with your pain, anguish. Interalia you interact with people, indulge in conversations and coerce yourself into some engagement. Medications and counselling kind of helps in keeping you 'operational'. However these don't in any way negate your loss. Your destitution remains but to others you are comfortably 'normal'. You so wish to share your pain, open up about the suffering that you endure constantly but unless you invisibilise your grief and loss, the little socialization that you engineer too would end. As someone battling depression and grief over many years I continue to experience this. The loneliness of my suffering remains and indeed I feel so cheated and further humiliated that my victimhood is rendered so false and invalidated. As indicated in one of my previous posts, there's no power behind my claims of loss, shame and grief. The discourse on grief is barely mainstreamed to bestow legitimacy, validity to those proclaiming it. It is too dominated by homily serving 'getting over' 'moving on' 'remaining positive' 'others have it worse' 'self pity' 'contrived victimhood' and such insights and advice indicating complete ignorance of grief pedagogy.

My losses, setbacks, failures have been severe, debilitating, hollowing and constantly hovering above my head as Damocles sword striking me at periodic and regular intervals and each so severe, dismantling all my self respect and dignity. For last few years it’s just me and my tyke stewing in isolation bereft of any presence & support save some sporadic checking in by select friends. My kins are no worth and contempt is mutual. It’s a deeply miserable life where i’m left scrounging for indulgence. The kind of intimacy, reassuredness, comfort that I did once enjoy briefly has all but vaporised. For a romanticist such a loss is cataclysmic.

At many levels my issue - and those like me battling loss, loneliness and failure is also located in a world brutally impersonal and rendered so mechanistic. Mere survival is made to appear an achievement and seeking meaning, empathy and joy pointless. A contrived existential attribute is imputed and presence of anxiety and vulnerability is reduced to a delusion and incompetence. Modernity is by itself not a pathological state but all its possibilities are hollowed out by wanton callousness and misconstrued fabrication of meaninglessness. Don't know sometimes if being a Neitschzean superman braving it all and willing to live too is delusional. It hasn't been worth it. 😢
#ChronicDepression #Dysthymia #Grief #prolongedgrief #anguish #SuicidalIdeation #Loneliness #Anxiety #Loss #Depression

Grief, loss and the resulting loneliness can bore into one's soul deeply and painfully. The anguish and despair in its wake be very overwhelming. Anxiety and remorse also works its way often to dread. And as an elderly man in his mid fifties I have lived a life where to admit and acknowledge this sense of vulnerability could be shockingly juvenile for some. There's also the fact that given my seeming background of privilege and scholarship I should have had a life so ordinary if not disastrous.

Indeed so it is - an existence full of falls, knocks, failures and setbacks. Initially as a youth I gave myself fully into whatever I got into. Of course I was not perfect. Anything but perfect. Flawed at several levels but more optimistic, positive about prospects & futures. Then I was not deeply sombre, melancholic, sedate and aware of both my agential self and an understanding of how people and society play out as I'm today though by rights being a student of history and sociology should have given me an advantage. I was not bestowed with the best of cognitive abilities or acute intellect or seductive charisma to shine in relationships, academia or competitive career where I could be very favorably compared with my peers among family and friends. I think I was deeply ADHD as a kid, something I realised only few years back. But I was yet a romanticist even then. So there was this bravado and cockiness infused with hubris. Several of my actions emerging from such a context were naturally not the most edifying and many obnoxious. Bad karmas had to result probably.

When in my early 30s I had my first bout of depression. I cowered, lost hope and that I'm a loser hit me like a sledgehammer. However as the only son I always had my parents support particularly my father who never judged me and never thought less of me because I was not on a jet setting career and success trajectory. He saw to it I was given proper support and treatment. After counseling, medication and even forced internment in an institution I was back again and again pepped myself to work my way through in a domain of my choosing (pedagogy of sociology & history) though this domain was already rigged. Don't know whether things went my way or I just remained persistent, positive but I managed to pull along for another 10-12 years. But misery, failures, sheer bad luck caught up again. I often wonder if someone, indeed many are deeply orchestrating my doom by casting spells, magic or voodoo. Recently nightmares too have become repeated and common. Mornings are scary.

I lost a relationship which I still cherish. Not just that, I lost an entire ecosystem of living built from scratch (which included a pair of adorable dogs). Then I lost my parents. Kins were never too indulgent but even most friends disappeared. I had worked around to a view that life was much more than work, career and family and indeed lived such a life with my partner who too bought into this view. We had no kids either. Won't go into all details for now. But my relationship ended and I was uprooted in several sense of the word. Uprooted physically, socially that has left a deep emotional, painful, shameful scar. And top it all there's guilt. (again too complex to explain the many whys and hows of my guilt and shame was conspired by unforgiving circumstances and embarassing magnitude of misfortune. Have done so in earlier posts. I nevertheless can't and don't want to blame any person for my misery) And so for last 10 years and more I'm living a deeply impaired life stripped of solace, comfort leave alone joy or happiness.

At its extreme these result in acute shame ...you just want to kill yourself. Then less macabre is to shut yourself from the world. Bury yourself in your-self, your room, shutting out the world. You can bury in work or some pursuit too, numb yourself and cope. Not that it makes meaning and often work for someone persistently jinxed can exacerbate anxiety and hurt but that’s the mechanism to deal with your pain, anguish. Interalia you interact with people, indulge in conversations and coerce yourself into some engagement. Medications and counselling kind of helps in keeping you 'operational'. However these don't in any way negate your loss. Your destitution remains but to others you are comfortably 'normal'. You so wish to share your pain, open up about the suffering that you endure constantly but unless you invisibilise your grief and loss, the little socialization that you engineer too would end. As someone battling depression and grief over many years I continue to experience this. The loneliness of my suffering remains and indeed I feel so cheated and further humiliated that my victimhood is rendered so false and invalidated. As indicated in one of my previous posts, there's no power behind my claims of loss, shame and grief. The discourse on grief is barely mainstreamed to bestow legitimacy, validity to those proclaiming it. It is too dominated by homily serving 'getting over' 'moving on' 'remaining positive' 'others have it worse' 'self pity' 'contrived victimhood' and such insights and advice indicating complete ignorance of grief pedagogy.

My losses, setbacks, failures have been severe, debilitating, hollowing and constantly hovering above my head as Damocles sword striking me at periodic and regular intervals and each so severe, dismantling all my self respect and dignity. For last few years it’s just me and my tyke stewing in isolation bereft of any presence & support save some sporadic checking in by select friends. My kins are no worth and contempt is mutual. It’s a deeply miserable life where i’m left scrounging for indulgence. The kind of intimacy, reassuredness, comfort that I did once enjoy briefly has all but vaporised. For a romanticist such a loss is cataclysmic.

At many levels my issue - and those like me battling loss, loneliness and failure is also located in a world brutally impersonal and rendered so mechanistic. Mere survival is made to appear an achievement and seeking meaning, empathy and joy pointless. A contrived existential attribute is imputed and presence of anxiety and vulnerability is reduced to a delusion and incompetence. Modernity is by itself not a pathological state but all its possibilities are hollowed out by wanton callousness and misconstrued fabrication of meaninglessness. Don't know sometimes if being a Neitschzean superman braving it all and willing to live too is delusional. It hasn't been worth it. 😢
#ChronicDepression #Dysthymia #Grief #prolongedgrief #anguish #SuicidalIdeation #Loneliness #Anxiety #Loss #Depression