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    I was stillborn, though

    My body lived. My spirit

    Perished on waking.

    Ambition never

    Burned in me, nor cold embers

    To mark it present.

    When my spirit died

    It hollowed me, gaping and

    Empty and pointless.

    No purpose connects

    With me. The void holds nothing

    That could join me with

    A reason to live.

    I was damned in a past life and

    Died in mortal sin

    And this life is the

    Hell that punishes me for

    Daring to exist.

    #Depression #Trauma #Psychosis


    Toxic Positivity and Its Enemy Vulnerability

    There’s a point that positivity can be toxic.

    It doesn’t seem possible that it can be toxic with manifestation and good things come to those who wait. There is a huge push for people to be positive and there is a place for positive thinking. But there is also room to sit with your feelings and acknowledge pain, hurt, disappointment, and all these negative emotions that people are willing to push down.

    I’ve had several life events change; separation, job loss, looking for a roommate, jobs falling through, change in medication, depression, and a sprinkle of psychosis to add to that. I am happy to be positive but behind closed doors there is the reality of depression, hopelessness, and each time I’ve been approached by someone, mask on.

    It is extremely exhausting keeping this mask on that everything is fine. I’m at the point that if I was honest with my emotions and this toxic positivity that I showcase in front of people, maybe they’d understand the depth of my sorrow.

    There is this constant fear that if I slip into the role of depression and showcase my true emotions, there’s rejection. But is it fair for no one to understand that I am suffering? Positivity because isolation and isolation with someone with a severe mental illness can cause a great deal of harm.

    Everyone always says that you need to check on the people who are silently suffering. The people who make others laugh or who give their everything to bring someone else happiness. We’ve lost many people to suicide due to the fact that no one saw the signs, but toxic positivity is one of those signs.

    My life feels like it’s falling apart, but if you came across me for a moment, you’d never guess the depth of my depression. It feels like I’m in sinking sand and as its swallowing me, I’m waving goodbye with a smile.

    This type of toxic positivity is more than what it should be. For the first time in a year, I am struggling mentally. How can I climb out of this?

    Vulnerability is something that is extremely hard for people to incorporate in their life. We are always wanting to show strength and that everything is fine. But it’s not. And that’s okay.

    I don’t want my life to be run with this idea that I must remain positive for everyone around me. One of the issues last year during my hospitalization is that no one knew that I was suicidal. It’s not something that is an easy conversation. I’m slipping back into that state of mind and I don’t know how to crawl myself out. Confide. It’s a terrible, frightening thing to open the gilded cage surrounding your heart.

    I looked up the suicide hotline for the first time in a year. I stared. It seemed impossible and yet tangible to feel like there are options. That if I can reach out to a stranger and talk about my struggles, why can’t vulnerability be something that I can incorporate to my friends and family?

    It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be a little bitter about your situation because you know what? Life sucks sometimes. Life isn’t fair. Life is hard. Positivity has its place but when it overtakes yourself and what you need…that’s when it becomes toxic because you aren’t doing yourself a favor of being true to your own feelings.

    “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” – Brene Brown

    Vulnerability isn’t something to fear, but not showing up for yourself and being authentic to yourself? The real fear is mask on. You are allowed to be yourself, whether that’s in a moment of triumph or if you are in sinking sand.

    Don’t let toxic positivity outweigh your struggles.

    Mask off.


    From Existing to Living Intentionally in Recovery from Schizophrenia

    Living with schizophrenia is the most challenging experience I have ever been through. Today I’m living intentionally in recovery, but for years schizophrenia defined me in a very negative way.

    In my experience, schizophrenia is a domineering and abusive mental health condition and for years, I had no way out. For a decade, I was not living, or thriving, I was existing. Schizophrenia destroyed my identity, my sense of hope and my will to live for a long time.

    My mental health challenges started when I was 11 years old with major depression. I saw the world as an incredibly dark place where only misery thrived. The darkness in my mind gave way to paranoia and voices and when I was 17, I attempted suicide. I ended up in the emergency room with a concussion, I lied about what had really happened and was released that same day.

    As the years went on, my psychosis continued evolving and obliterated reality. I was hearing callous and angry voices 24/7, I could not sleep, I was seeing things that had no foundation in reality and I believed things to the core that had no tangible evidence of being true. My mind was overtaken by paranoia and constant fear.

    The biggest source of fear came from my belief that I was being targeted because I was pregnant with the second coming of Christ. For this reason, I believed that the government was broadcasting my daily life to the world and had implanted a chip in my front tooth in order to monitor and record my thoughts. I felt threatened by most everyone and constantly watched my back.

    At the time and for 13 years, I was also in an abusive relationship. As terrible as schizophrenia is, I often hid in my mind to escape the pain I called my life.

    When I was 27 years old, I was rescued by the local fire department. I was hospitalized for a month in the psychiatric hospital. From there, I was hospitalized every year for three more years, always staying for a month.

    The last time I was hospitalized was in 2017, and this is when I left my ex-husband and went to live with my aunt.

    In my experience, with each break, the schizophrenia became worse. I was battling something that I was not aware of and had no tools to fight with. I was living with anosognosia, or lack of insight, during that period in my life.

    After I was released in 2017, I struggled significantly for a year. I had been over prescribed antipsychotic medications and my brain felt fried. Beyond that, the psychotic symptoms were more powerful than ever. I believed many illogical things and specifically that metal was a living being and from a spiritual plane, which existed in another galaxy that I was originally from prior to being sent to Earth. I believed that most of my family were demons disguised as humans and had been tasked with monitoring my every movement because this time around, I was the second coming of Christ.

    Everyday was a nightmare, particularly because of the voices that constantly tormented me and made me question whether I was a good person. The nightmares I was also experiencing during this time resulted in many sleepless nights. When I could not sleep, I would leave my aunt’s house and pace outside for hours. I also walked around outside endlessly most of the day yelling at people and cars.

    The turning point came when I was given the right medications. From there, all but one of the visual hallucinations disappeared, I no longer experienced external voices, only internal voices and the delusions lessened in their grip over me.

    Over the last few years, I have been doing a lot of growing in my recovery, particularly in the last year. Last year I met my husband, Alejandro, and he also lives with paranoid schizophrenia. We share unconditional and genuine love and support for one another and it’s a beautiful thing that I’ve never experienced until meeting him.

    With Alejandro’s continuously flowing support, I’m working full-time with a nonprofit, The San Antonio Clubhouse and specifically, the Connection Center program. I get to work from home doing what I absolutely love and feel fulfilled by. I’m a mental health peer specialist training coordinator and certified mental health peer specialist.

    I also founded a nonprofit, in 2021 where I educate others around #Schizophrenia in the Spanish-speaking Hispanic community.

    Looking back into first starting my recovery process, I never imagined that I would be where I am now. I know who I am, I have an overabundance of hope and I am genuinely happy to be alive.


    My dad told me the mental hospital is my home and that he will keep locking me up in there

    It’s just I want this to end. It’s not fair what they are doing to me. I deserve the best and I don’t deserve to punish. I called dcf on my parents because they were being rude to me. My mom told me to kill myself and my dad told me he doesn’t want to keep me. I tried group homes and they were terrible. I have nowhere to go, I don’t want to be homeless. I feel terrible and they are stressing me out. Mental hospitals down here in Florida don’t even know how to help out properly.

    #CheckInWithMe #Disability #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Trauma #Suicide #Selfharm #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Psychosis #Schizophrenia #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD


    My birthday is next month. Send me a positive message for my birthday that I will remember forever please

    I can’t believe the year is almost over and I am gonna turn 26 years old. Please leave me a nice little message for my birthday coming up and wish me the best.

    #CheckInWithMe #Trauma #Suicide #Selfharm #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #PTSD #Psychosis #Schizophrenia #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #MentalHealth #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Disability


    BPD & Psychosis

    24% of BPD patients reported severe psychotic symptoms and about 75% had dissociative experiences and paranoid ideation. Thus, we start with an overview regarding the prevalence of psychotic symptoms in BPD patients#BPD #Psychosis


    How do people with bipolar disorder navigate pregnancy?

    I have bipolar 1. I want to marry and have children, but I'm scared of
    1. Whether my psychiatrist will agree to change or take me off my meds while trying/pregnant. I'm on lithium and ziprasidone (geodon). Both cause harm to the fetus. My psychiatrist never agrees with me whenever I point out the side effects of my medications. She always says my symptoms must be due to something else. I think she may have the same response when I tell her I want to go off my meds to have a kid.
    2. Postpartum psychosis
    3. How to avoid sleep loss while taking care of a baby. For me, sleep loss inevitably leads to a manic episode
    I'm still figuring out if having bipolar disorder is a good enough reason to not have kids even if you really want them. If it's really bad then I'd have to change my priorities and marry someone who doesn't want kids either or already has kids and doesn't want any more.
    Is there anyone out there who's had a bipolar diagnosis before having kids and it turned out alright? I'd really like to know.
    If someone is child free by choice because of bipolar I would also like to know about it.
    Thank you. #Pregnancy #baby #Child #Parenting



    Isolation is a clown’s smile

    Painted red

    Isolation is a lover

    Because its kisses are sweet

    Isolation is a tiger’s claw

    Extended weapon

    Isolation is a cloak

    Like nights lure

    Isolation is fear

    Will you even know?

    Isolation is a capturer

    Stockholm’s friend

    Isolation is mental illness

    Because it’s all in your “head”

    Isolation is a deadly prison

    Like Bethlem screams

    Isolation is voices

    No one else can hear

    Isolation is


    #mightypoetry #Poetry #Suicide #poems #MentalHealth #Psychosis


    What If I Hear Voices?

    Part 1 of 2 There are many different occasions when you may find yourself hearing voices. Usually, you only hear the voices of people who are physically in the room or on the phone or chat speaking to you. But sometimes the voices aren’t real, and that can be a cause for worry.

    One thing that bipolar people fear is developing – or having – psychosis. And one of the major symptoms of psychosis is hearing voices that seem to come from outside you when no one is actually speaking to you. Psychosis is not a disorder, but a symptom. Most often associated with schizophrenia, psychosis involves detachment from reality and delusions of things that are not real. Among the possible delusions is that other voices are speaking to you from another realm.

    This can be the television or satellites sending secret messages to you. It can involve demons that are trying to take over your brain and even your body. Often, voices of angels or demons are signs of psychosis. (Sometimes, some people experience a voice that comes from a higher power and ascribe it to a supernatural cause. Is this psychosis? Some people think so, and others perceive it as a different form of reality. If the voice instructs you to do harm to yourself or others, it’s probably psychosis.)

    If people with #BipolarDisorder have the experience of hearing voices, it usually comes during manic episodes, though it can also occur during depressive ones. The initial symptoms of bipolar psychosis are often indistinguishable from other symptoms of the disorder – anxiety, difficulty communicating or concentrating, or flat affect (the blunting of emotional expression). Unwarranted suspicion of others is another sign that something may be amiss. Support groups or “accountability partners” can help a person recognize and cope when they believe they are about to experience psychosis.

    Psychosis can be frightening to the person experiencing it and to the people around them, or it can be something that the psychotic person doesn’t even notice (anosognosia). It should be noted that hallucinations and/or delusions can be caused by other problems, such as a brain tumor, dementia, or a bad reaction to medication. My mother experienced the latter when taking a new pain medication, though it was a case of seeing things that weren’t there rather than hearing them.

    Psychosis can be treated, but not cured, by a variety of psychotropic medications that reduce the experience of hearing voices. These include mood stabilizers, antidepressants, or anti-psychotic medications. (A person with bipolar disorder may already be taking some of these.) They should be monitored closely by a psychiatrist.

    Another example of hearing voices, though, is the inner voice that most of us – especially those with mood disorders – experience regularly. Most of the time it is an “inner critic,” bringing us down with negative self-talk, telling us that we’re worthless or can’t do anything right. This is not a form of psychosis, but can definitely be associated with stress, depression, and anxiety. It might say anything from “You’re fat and you’ll never lose weight” to “You can’t do math” to “The people at work aren’t really your friends. They treat you nicely because they have to.”

    These inner voices and negative self-talk can be reinforced by the real voices of other people as well. A family member might say, “You’re really not good at picking boyfriends” or “You’re never on time for anything” or “You just can’t drive in traffic.” If you start to believe these messages and those of your inner critic, they can be self-fulfilling prophecies. If you believe that you don’t deserve respect and friendship, those thoughts will influence your actions, leading to other people perceiving you that way as well.

    But if you have an inner critic, you also have – or at least can cultivate – an inner champion. There are ways to empower yourself through positive self-talk. It’s not quick or easy. Daily affirmations can help. You can try them whenever you “hear” your inner critic dissing you. First, say, “Stop!” Derail that negative thought right away. Then replace the thought with a more accurate one – “I’m not worthless. I got out of bed and out of the house today,” if that’s your small triumph.

    Daily affirmations are good too. You can try looking in the mirror in the morning and saying something positive about yourself. It’s better if it’s really specific, but it’s okay if it’s just “I am a good person.” Some experts recommend personalizing the positive feedback using the second person – “You made it to work on time yesterday” – or even using your name as you think or say, “Janet, you took a shower today.”

    Affirmations that stifle your inner critic and build up your inner champion may not be


    What If I Hear Voices?

    Part 2 of 2 a cure for psychosis or bipolar disorder, but they can help with the problems of anxiety and depression that so many people with mood disorders face on a daily basis. For that reason alone, it’s worth a try.