I feel like it’s hard for me to relate to anyone… don’t really have a fandom or anything like that I follow… I’m just not interested. It’s hard for me to get excited about things like I used to ever since my psychosis.
I also feel like I live passively like I’m always the passenger in my own life. It’s hard for me to take control and make my own decisions. When I do they’re not the best, risky. Maybe it’s my codependency issues? I’m not sure. It’s hard for me to find my own company enjoyable, I hate being alone most days but I also don’t mind it as I don’t have to worry about making conversation or feeling uninteresting or weird. I spend my time talking to friends I meet on friendship apps, mostly, trying to foster connection.
I don’t really mind not driving… it’s not having a sense of direction that bothers me, a lack of awareness. I couldn’t tell you how I got here today without a gps. My mom is the same way, even with short distances. My aunt in fact doesn’t drive because of this issue and visual impairment due to adhd. The thought of being behind the wheel terrifies me. I feel I’m not even behind the wheel of my own life a lot of days. I’m scared of responsibility.
I’ve been carried through my traumatic life I feel passively and my family has always been there to support me. I can’t imagine living on my own. Not only cant I financially afford it but also having all the responsibility fall on me I couldn’t manage it. I often feel lost and confused and overwhelmed by my adult life. Everything feels so extremely difficult, even as simple as waking up on time. Not to mention managing bills and maintaining cleanliness. It’s been difficult feeding myself as well, I feel I may have an eating disorder. I dread the prep and clean up process. So I’ve been sticking to quick meals, but also I don’t have much groceries left. So it’s difficult figuring what to eat everyday, especially when I’m in a hurry.
For this reason the thought of having children terrifies me. I can hardly take care of myself let alone my dog. I feel like I’ll end up like my Aunt, who doesn’t drive and is married with no kids. I’ve always thought I’d want kids but maybe I just need to focus on myself right now. I honestly don’t even know what kind of career I’m interested in I feel like I don’t know who I am apart from surviving.
When I’m in critical situations I feel more at ease than regular day to day life scenarios, because of the lack of control I find peace. Rather than having control and having to be responsible. #Journal #Psychosis #MajorDepressiveDisorder