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I just ordered a coffin for my fur baby who’s still alive

I feel so incredibly awful today. My 13-year-old American Staffordshire terrier is really unwell. She’s recently been diagnosed with severe hip displaysia and spinal bridging, and her cognitive status has gone dramatically downhill in the last two weeks. I’ve come to the point of the ultimate cost-benefit analysis - her quality of life versus ... *cries quietly* putting her to sleep. I picked a spot in the yard, but because of all the tree roots I messaged a nearby neighbor who has an excavating company to help dig a hole. I found a biodegradable wood coffin on Etsy and ordered it.
My dog is still alive.
I feel like such a complete ... d*ck doesn’t even fit how awful I feel. I don’t want Xandia to suffer, but I keep weighing it against “We didn’t put Grandma to sleep!” She’s not “all there” right now - I catch glimpses of the dog she was, but ...
I literally haven’t slept more than two hours per night for more than a week. I’m insomniac anyway, but I’m somewhere near psychosis from lack of sleep - I dream while awake and I’m hearing things. I’ve been staying with her in the living room at night to take her outside when she wakes up suddenly. If I don’t catch her in time it triggers a seizure and it’s like a combination of Old Faithful and the Trevi fountain. After three nights of washing dog beds I learned to sleep lightly.
So - add #MDD #Dysthymia to the mix and my life is ... indescribably bad in conjunction with #2020 and the #pandemic . I’d really rather stay in pjs all day curled up with stuffies, but I work from home and have to at least appear productive.
#Lifesucks #whenwillthealiensabductme #CanIDieNow #Depression #Dysthymia #deathsucks #furbabies #stuffies #Pjs #2020sucks



One of my work friends passed away yesterday. Although I am a person who believes in heaven, nonetheless I am mad at God and even angrier at myself for trying to go to work and having such an intense nasty physical reaction it felt like I was taken over by a
negative, evil, overwhelming emotional pain. I was mad at myself for being the sickest one in the bunch. Maybe I should quit working on the Warmline until I can get my emotions more settled and not overreact so bad. I feel so alone right now. Thank God
for the Resolve Crisis Network.


Being left is scary #RheumatoidArthritis #deathsucks

My dad has rheumatoid arthritis which can be a pretty scary thing. He's been in the hospital for the better part of 10 months and we had more or less accepted that as our new reality. Well this most recent visit has been about 3 months now and the doctors say we're nearing the end. The best we can hope for is palliative care at this point and most of the doctors don't even think we'll get that far. Today we're going up to have a big family/doctor meeting and decide end of life stuff. I am a little scared, as I figure is pretty normal but mostly I'm just numb. everyone keeps telling me "it's okay to feel what you feel" but I don't feel right now. I know that it's hard to sleep and I keep forgetting to eat (alarms have been set on my phone now) but I don't know how I actually feel. Thanks for reading, I just had to get that out and look for some extra support.

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Miss U mom!

My mom passed away two years ago and it sucks. I am so sad and there is nothing I can do. I want to hug her and tell her how much she meant to me! I wish so much I could hear her voice and feel her hugging me. Today I have been so depressed and honestly this is the first time I wish I could die and go to Heaven so I could be with her and I haven’t thought this way in awhile! I feel such a sadness that my heart just aches for her! I miss my mom and I feel like I am losing my will to live because I just wish something bad could naturally happen to me so I can go to Heaven to be with her. I know this is terrible to think but this is how I feel! I just want to be with her and if I had to die bonus because I would get to see her again! There is nothing like a Mothers love! She was the most kindest and loving mother! I miss her so much! ##deathsucks #loveyourmoms #hugyourmoms #motherslove #deathwouldbeokrightnow

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