Avoidant Personality Disorder

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Avoidant Personality Disorder
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    The Day I Died

    I haven't posted here in months.
    I have CPTSD, DID and BPD. Recently I found out I also have Avoidant Personality Disorder.
    The past three years has been a mental illness pageant. Each time I recover a memory, discover another identity, it's worse than I previously thought things were. I've uncovered a lot of trauma, neglect and abuse. Just think of bad things that could happen to a child and i most likely went through that or worse. I was dehumanized. Yet I also knew I haven't uncovered the worst of it. A couple of nights ago I recovered the memory of the day I died. It was only for several seconds but it was due to physical trauma and I was only months old.
    My father had CPTSD, DID, BPD and narcissism. He was horribly abused as a child. The DID that came from that composed of identities that were capable of great harm. One of these identities liked to slap babies in their crib when they cried. I saw him do it to my younger brother. For me, I actually died. I remember the horror, the terrible darkness, the pain that just wouldn't stop. Then I did. I stopped breathing. My heart stopped beating. Everything just went from a maelstrom to just stillness. Not a peaceful stillness. Just nothing. My body just stopped working. I just couldn't take it anymore. He noticed I stopped moving. Then noticed I stopped breathing and he panicked. He started shaking my rag doll body until I responded.
    As you can tell by what I said above, it didn't stop him. Even knowing he beat me to death he kept on doing it. This is what the cycle of trauma creates.

    I never new why I stop breathing so much. So much of my life my body just wants to stop breathing.
    I never knew what caused the ever present silent scream in my mind.
    I never knew why I wanted to die so much of my life.

    Now I know. In that time, I hated life. I became terrified of it. In a constant state of a silent scream from the horror and caught in the fight to stay alive and the desire for it to end.

    It's been a horrible couple of days. I keep freaking out and losing control of my emotions. Knowing my father murdered me as an infant. He did a lot of horrible deeds in his life to all his children. And his children did a lot of horrible things to me as a result.

    But as horrible as this is, it's good to finally recover it.

    I still have other things to recover. Things I know are there but my mind, for self preservation, won't give me access. If they are as bad as this was. Worse than the rape and torture. I can wait a while.

    The only person I can share this is with my therapist. So I felt the need to share it somewhere else. Alot has happened in my therapy since my last post but this one is huge.

    I don't know when I will post again.


    5 reactions 2 comments

    Unhealthy Workspace

    I had only one thing that made me busy through the day. My job. And now probably I'm going to lose it. It began few months ago. My manager started verbally abusing me through call where everyone was present. At first I tolerated, then I was irritated and atlast today I reacted. He was constantly doing it, bullying me, harassing me and pushing me to the edge where I just couldn't help myself but react.

    Now it is done. I can't take it back. I know they are gonna release me from my project cause he has upper hand. I complained to his manager. But I have doubt how much that gonna work. They are gonna believe him only and take his side.

    I don't know what I did was right or wrong.

    But I just could not take the abuse anymore.

    I think I have lost the last thing I had that kept me going.

    #Harassment #Pledge2EndBullying

    1 reaction

    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is Yuricoo. I’m new to The Mighty



    8 reactions 3 comments

    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is WhimsicalTrix. I'm here because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression and generalized anxiety disorder when I was in my early teens. I am now 40 and had my diagnosis change to borderline personality disorder with avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety. I can't explain what finding this diagnosis has done for me. Bipolar never really fit as my mood swings are more multiple times per day as opposed to week long episodes. Having behaviors that for years and years have been brushed off as overly emotional, clingy, whiney, needy, bitchy, rude, selfish, lazy, manipulative, sociopathic, I mean really you name it, but to have them validated is beyond life changing for myself. Even though you know, deep down you aren't these things, hearing them over and over and over and at the same time presenting behaviors that on the outside coincide, you start to believe them. I'm just looking really for a way to heal and for ways to bring my friends and family around to being open minded and receptive to this new diagnosis. I'm at the point where I need there understanding and support. I've been living with this, thinking these things, really not liking myself and wondering why, when I try so hard and go out of my way to make everyone happy and like me, why no one wants or likes me.. But I'm working on that every day.

    #MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AvoidantPersonalityDisorder #SocialAnxiety

    14 reactions 5 comments

    I’m new here!

    Hi, my name is redx. I'm here because I have been diagnosed with the below and it's been extremely hard and I really need help and would love to learn as much as i can to help others and myself.

    #MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #OCD #EatingDisorder #AvoidantPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #ParanoidPersonalityDisorder #SocialAnxiety #AutismSpectrumDisorder

    2 reactions 1 comment
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    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AvoidantPersonalityDisorder #Depression

    I always felt different .
    I always knew something was off with me .
    I struggle so much to just exist .
    I feel so empty it hurts .

    I thought I had it all figured .
    But the slightest stress put me on my knees .
    I’m down . And I don’t know how to get up .

    I’m tired of pretending .
    I feel like I’m just a list of what’s wrong .

    My body attacks myself .

    I’m tired of working on myself .
    I’m tired of being an empty shell .

    I really hoped for better future . But I’m starting to doubt myself . What use to work to calm my void doesn’t work anymore .

    Nothing works anymore .

    Am I just my trauma ?

    27 reactions 11 comments

    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is Pollydoodle_71. I'm here because I am sinking .

    #MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Migraine #Fibromyalgia
    # Acoustic Neuroma.
    The thing is , upon many a time in contemplation, reflection and exasperation , I honestly believe that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder .
    I am already formally diagnosed with BPD … my Co-morbidity being MDD , but yet , I seem to be utterly incapable of even broaching the topic , with ANYONE , regarding this persistent feeling that there is more … That I somehow can recognise that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder also . Is it not within a seperate ‘cluster’ ?? How could it even be possible to span over two cluster types within the one person ??!
    Then I question the very validity or importance of having yet one more diagnosis, written down in my file …just what is the point ?….. What is the point of ANYTHING anymore…???!
    However , there is some ‘core’ that incessantly needs to comprehend EVERYTHING. ‘ Why ? What then ? But , WHY ??! ‘
    I am also what I like to refer as a ‘ random perfectionist’ ( eg : chaos and mess, but if stuffed behind a closed closet , then the PERCEPTION of order and tidiness is achieved )….. well , there is simply something eating away at me that , not a single soul in this universe KNOWS me ! Then again , do I even recognise who or what is typing this ??? PLUS - who or why should anybody give a damn ??!
    I do apologise sincerely for rambling and taking up your valuable time .
    I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a very healthy and happy New Year! Kind regards x


    13 reactions 11 comments