The Day I Died
I haven't posted here in months.
I have CPTSD, DID and BPD. Recently I found out I also have Avoidant Personality Disorder.
The past three years has been a mental illness pageant. Each time I recover a memory, discover another identity, it's worse than I previously thought things were. I've uncovered a lot of trauma, neglect and abuse. Just think of bad things that could happen to a child and i most likely went through that or worse. I was dehumanized. Yet I also knew I haven't uncovered the worst of it. A couple of nights ago I recovered the memory of the day I died. It was only for several seconds but it was due to physical trauma and I was only months old.
My father had CPTSD, DID, BPD and narcissism. He was horribly abused as a child. The DID that came from that composed of identities that were capable of great harm. One of these identities liked to slap babies in their crib when they cried. I saw him do it to my younger brother. For me, I actually died. I remember the horror, the terrible darkness, the pain that just wouldn't stop. Then I did. I stopped breathing. My heart stopped beating. Everything just went from a maelstrom to just stillness. Not a peaceful stillness. Just nothing. My body just stopped working. I just couldn't take it anymore. He noticed I stopped moving. Then noticed I stopped breathing and he panicked. He started shaking my rag doll body until I responded.
As you can tell by what I said above, it didn't stop him. Even knowing he beat me to death he kept on doing it. This is what the cycle of trauma creates.
I never new why I stop breathing so much. So much of my life my body just wants to stop breathing.
I never knew what caused the ever present silent scream in my mind.
I never knew why I wanted to die so much of my life.
Now I know. In that time, I hated life. I became terrified of it. In a constant state of a silent scream from the horror and caught in the fight to stay alive and the desire for it to end.
It's been a horrible couple of days. I keep freaking out and losing control of my emotions. Knowing my father murdered me as an infant. He did a lot of horrible deeds in his life to all his children. And his children did a lot of horrible things to me as a result.
But as horrible as this is, it's good to finally recover it.
I still have other things to recover. Things I know are there but my mind, for self preservation, won't give me access. If they are as bad as this was. Worse than the rape and torture. I can wait a while.
The only person I can share this is with my therapist. So I felt the need to share it somewhere else. Alot has happened in my therapy since my last post but this one is huge.
I don't know when I will post again.