Another anniversary today 4 months today I lost my baby my precious angel who died inside me nothing can compare to the pain I am feeling tonight the heartache the what ifs the what could I have done differently. My heart breaks everyday 💔 will this pain ever stop 😢 #babyloss #alone
This weekends been a hard weekend I haven’t been able to get out of bed do anything at all barely able to make a meal, this weekends been hard because on Monday it will mark the 2 month anniversary of my little baby who died inside me after just 1 month of being pregnant I can’t explain the pain and devastation I feel and the anger at this world. This is a battle Both me and the baby’s father face alone as we don’t have support of family and I can honestly say I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now. I think about all the what ifs the what I could’ve done to prevent this I think about the future we could’ve had. All I want is for my baby to be back again. Sometimes I think I don’t have a right to mourne as the baby wasn’t even a baby they were only a pea inside me an I allowed cry and be upset over them. I feel so lost and alone more then anyone will ever know.😪 #Depression #babyloss #lonely
This is the meme I woke up to, the first thing I saw in my social media feed. I did not receive a trigger warning for this meme. How very meta. We are used to memes filling our social media fees. Sometimes they are jokes that make you double over with laughter at their biting observational wit. Oftentimes they are platitudes that sound fresh out of a greeting card. Do I share memes on the regular? Absolutely! Do I have an app on phone to make memes? I do! Especially in October, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
In October, my feeds fill up with memes with gut-punching feelings and facts about the month of awareness, about every aspect of losing a baby. I work hard on awareness during this month, helping to illuminate global landmarks pink and blue, shining our baby lights all over the world on October 15th. I stop often for self-care breaks that can include tears. I am usually steeled against the bulk of the impact of the deep, painful truths filling my social media. But I have seen these memes before, each year. Until this morning.
In October, the memes become more than trite cliches with pretty backgrounds. Their truths are triggering, hard to shake from your heart and your head and your gut, triggering truths without warning, pulling the trigger of the shot through your soul. Taking you to the truth of the matter, the base black bottom where your baby died.
This is where you feel so completely alone. It takes you back into that black hole where postpartum depression tried to swallow you whole. Above you is a light, so high above you, hands reaching down to hold you, to help pull you up because you are not alone. Others know your pain. You can clasp their hands as you climb and claw and crawl out of the dark. Discover yourself in a warm, loving crowd of families who also live in some shade of grief. Take their hands, hold their hearts: you are all in this together.
No matter how many times the triggering memory of the stark words of that meme ran through my head today – “my baby died.” My baby died. My babies died. - I reminded myself that it is okay to cry. Breathe deeply. Make tea. Have a snack. Paint your nails. Talk to friends. Do something today to help other parents who have lost babies. Celebrate the new memories we made with our babies this year. Start making plans for next October.
Do not give up.
Do not give up.
Your baby loves you.
Your babies love you.
That is a love that never dies.
That is a love that triggers life to action.
We have light to shine into the darkness for ourselves, for our children, for everyone still lost.
#PostpartumDepression #babyloss #InfantLoss #Miscarriage #SIDS #Stillbirth #medicalnecessity #PregnancyLoss #pregnancylossawareness #infantlossawareness #blaw2021 #WaveofLight #Loneliness
With every bird that flutters closeby like my personal guardian from an invisible darkness I know it's you here with me.
With every butterfly I see flying to me like it's personal flower waiting for me to bloom , I know its you here with me
With every rose that blooms so bright like a new beacon of hope and happiness, I know its you here with me.
Every time I hear a song that reminds me of you on my hard days I know you are here with me
With every rainbow I see I know you are here with me like its your own personal highway to watch over us
In every moment of every day I know you are here with us watching over us from heaven.
To my angel brothers, I know you are here with me and I hope you hear me too.
R.I.P Sam Stephens 20/12/2004
R.I.P. Rylan Charles Butcher 29/08/2009
With babyloss awareness week coming up I decided to write this. If you read it all thank you. If you have any feedback that would be magical. And if you've been through this I'm so sorry
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