I have C-PTSD and feel like Sam Beckett from Quantum Leap - I have a Swiss cheese memory full of holes.
As time goes on I realise there is so much I have forgotten, or more likely blocked out. Recently I reconnected with a childhood friend and were reminiscing about our school days. He asked me if I remembered all the time we spent at my house playing video games - wait - what?? Did we? I don't remember that! I didn't say that of course; smiled and said yes, it was loads of fun.
Confusion and anxiety descended on me and I became distracted. I wracked my brain trying to picture him in my house, in the bedroom where the old NES was. Nope. Nothing. Just a very hazy picture of me playing with my brother. I know in my bones that he was telling the truth but it just wasn't there.
A while ago I said to my mental health team that I am good at forgetting. As time goes on that gets more and more evident and troubling. A particularly horrific repressed memory re-surfaced during EMDR recently. I describe it as something not that I have forgotten but something I didn't know about because it just wasn't there, but I again know in my bones that it is absolutely true.
I am left wondering what else is buried in the murky depths in my brain where the bad things are locked away. I am certain there is more. I am desperate to know what a 'normal' memory is like. How do people remember the narrative of their life and their childhood? What does it look like?
Does anyone else feel like this?
#CPTSD #Trauma #Memory #Repressed Memory