Panic, it's been a while #PanicAttack #BipolarDisorder
Long time not met, buddy. You've been quite absent for a while. I hardly remembered that subtle, lingering, slightly sickening feeling of you approaching. It's been a while that you passed by to say hi, coming out of nowhere, in the midst of a work day, with no possible trigger except for my usual miserable-resigned attitude of needing to do tasks while I would prefer to sit at home and dream away. And then I feel my breath getting heavier, something crawling up from ELSEWHERE pushing on my lungs, and no, it's not some bad food I've had for breakfast, it's YOU. For even if I got used not to encounter you, I won't forget how it feels to meet up with you again.
You old symptom of my handicap.Treacherous but known. Feared but not all too scary. Exhausting-disgusting-irritating-agitating, but once your evil-smelling wave has rolled over me, the aftermath can be relieving. Because I know that after greeting me in your ugly way, you step over me and probably continue wandering towards the next victim who surely hasn't been missing your presence. But that's your nature for you are a reminded for what is part of the package I have to carry with me in my life. So that it doesn't get too light, so that I don't dare thinking of laying it down for a while, because that's not what is supposed to be.
As I said, I haven't encountered you for a while, so probably it's the countdown of those periods of grace I am entitled to, and when it reaches 0, I need to be prepared. Stop playing around fine, look at the wave coming, try not to run away because if I run, I could get caught up in it unprepared, fall down while running, and then you might think I need some more of your attention.
No thanks, old foe. I don't want attention. I learned to prefer the shady background, hidden from the sun, from the waves, come out when the horizon is cleared and not to stay too much outside.
Hey, you. Seriously, you're wasting your time. I'm not into socializing right now. Go get someone else to play with you. Go. Go. And if you don't, I will do my best to beat you, even if I lose. With my fingers, with my words, with what remains of my mind. I will write. This will be my weapon. Beware. I learned some self-defense by now...
#Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Fear #BreatheDeeply