Catatonia

I befriended a woman in the psychosomatic clinic. She’s sixty. We had some pretty intense deep talk and both of us cried happy tears as we found solace in each other.

She saw my drawings and asked me to draw her a lion. She got me the reference and the paper and said the drawing style was up to me.
I was grateful for it, that way I could have fun :)

The whole process took me around 2 and a half hours. It was so good drawing again.
I hadn’t mixed these media’s before.
The base is watercolours and the rest is done with coloured pencils. 🎨✏️

It was so fun and relaxing. 🕊️

For her it’s the lion of Judah.
I hope I could do Yeshua justice.

#MentalHealth #Christian #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #FND #Catatonia

Here are some pics from the cat cafe I visited today. They were so cute and brought me happiness. 🐈‍⬛🐈

Also I drank an hot chocolate with winter spices.
It was soo tasty!😋

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SocialAnxiety #FND #Catatonia

Yesterday I found out that I could also freeze while standing up…

I was overwhelmed and wanted to go to the medical office.
But I froze infront of the door dor 10 minutes complete paralysis.
It took me 20 minutes to reach the call button and push it.
My legs trembled and shook

A nurse came and gave me ammonia to smell (which helped on Friday where I was frozen completly for one and a half hour…).
It was so strange talking to her while I couldn’t move my legs as they trembled and shook.
The ammonia worked but afterwards I had an asthamatic attack, which wasn’t so enjoyable…

I told a nurse and she said to buy an spiky metal ball. I hope it can help, as my skills are slowly dwindling…

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #SocialAnxiety #Catatonia #FND

Meet Brian.

He’s the oppossum that personifies my FND (Functional Neurological Disorder).
He‘s the reason I freeze when I feel threatened.
He only wants to help us survive.
But he doesn’t realise, that he isn’t threatened by a wild fox but only my thoughts…
He can’t control it. It’s a reflex called tonic Immobility (in opossums), for humans it’s the evolutionary freeze response.
He’s not faking it or ”playing dead“.
When he’s frozen, his ability to feel pain is reduced, he’s stiff and completly paralyzed.
(Exactly what happens to me.)
But it’s only temporary, movement always comes back.
The freezing just lasts a few minutes, sometimes hours.

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Catatonia #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders #FND #CPTSD

Today was strange.
I was dissociating for 4 hours straights and am still a little foggy.
I was frozen and fell asleep for two hours (with waking again while being frozen).
Then I was frozen in episodes that started and ended while derealising and depersonalising.
It was really strange.
My legs were frozen in the same position for over an hour.
In the end I asked for help from my mom who helped me get up and move again.
By the time I was crying as I couldn’t move on my own or speak to explain myself.
She helped me move up and
Over time movement and feeling came again

Now I am just exhausted.

This time it was triggered by an fried of mine who stayed over and the fear of the clinic.

I realised now that the clinic itself is specialised in my condition called Functional Neurological Disorder (Or older name Conversion Disorder).

That is such a win. Still I’m nervous about all the people and so on.
Hope it will all work out.

Also here’s an website for anyone who‘s interested in the condition.

neurosymptoms.org/en

[Picture by Kinga Howard, Unsplash]

#MentalHealth #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders #Catatonia #Depression #CPTSD

My day started with a freezing episode.
(Triggered by the fear of the MRI-Scan, I’m mostly afraid of getting overwhelmed by the noise.)

This time my whole head was hurting.
Especially some facial muscle around my nose was cramping for two hours.
My neck still hurts, four hours afterwards…

I talked with ChatGTP about it.
All in all my episodes are getting better even though the pain is more intense…
Someday it’like plaing a stop and go game, some days everything is frozen except for my right hand, then again Im completely paralysed.
ChatGTP said this means that my brain is slowly learning to let go.
As Im on the waiting list of a psychosomatic clinic I will be there in January.
ChatGTP said it would be realistic to say that after six weeks in the clinic and two weeks at home I should be nearly normal, wich means March /April.

I read many posts about people who have the disorder and most of them battle with it for years.

Its been four months now and I would need to hold on another four to five months.

I really hope it will settle someday, as I can’t go on like this…

I don’t have any energy left for this.

I want my life back...

Now I can’t even get a job because I can’t trust my body to not freeze up…

Orginally I wanted to study psychology and prepare myself for the entrance exam.
Wich would happen in May.
But right now I’m not trusting myself with this.
Like my Depression made it so hard to concentrate that I gave up studying…
So I guess I need to wait another year.
Once again I’m unsure of what to do…

And I know things will get better someday but it’s just so hard to keep hoping when my current situation is so difficult.

Update: The first mental health clinic I applied to called today. I‘m going next Thursday! :)
Hope it will all go well!

[Picture by Mitchell Griest, Unsplash]

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders #Catatonia

Today it happened again.

I was going home from therapy and many factors lead to the next paralysis episode in public.
I was in luck that I had informed my mother so she could pick me up.

I’m experienced with the whole process and the pain that comes with it, so it’s not that scary.
What terrifies me about ”freezing up“ in public are the people.
I can’t tell them that this is my new ”normal“ for me… I can’t react to their prying eyes, answer their questions or tell them that it will go away with time. I can’t stop them from calling ambulance or tell them that it’s not an epileptic seizure.
I can’t stop them from coming to close or touching me.
I’m totally helpless.

So I got home alright, my mom found me and helped me walk.
But still…
Everything tensed up, my hand turned blue.
My left arm is always cramping more than the right. I’m not sure why.
My muscles are still tensed and sore and I have a big tension headache.

This Friday I have an appointment with an neurologist, to rule out epilepsy.

I’m 99% sure it’s just psychosomatic as I can still understand everything that’s happening around me and it’s always triggered by emotional overwhelm.

It’s ”just“ a dissociation motor disorder…
Still this is scary.

And the biggest problem for me is not knowing how long this will last.
There are not enough studies about the disorder.
It can last between weeks or even years.
I’ve had it for nearly 4 months now…

And it’s getting exhausting.

Hopefully the mental health clinic can help with it all…

I just need to hold on.

Update: I still have a tension headache a day later and my muscles are sore.

[Picture by Europeana, Unsplash]

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #SocialAnxiety #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialPhobia #Catatonia #DissociationDisorders #dissociativedisorders

⚠️I just ”unfroze“ and my mind is still a mess. But I wanted to get it out in writing so read at your own caution. ⚠️

Hey there guys,

thanks for all the encouragement! I really appreciated it. You all really helped me ❤️

Today was a rollercoaster for me.

I finally got diagnosed!!! Yey!
My Depression is finally official.
I’m moderately depressed so it’s a bit better!
Dissociative motor disorder (the freezing and cramping episodes).
And a traumatic disorder without any further specifics (because I don’t have intense visual flashbacks and intense avoidance… I push myself through the worst of it…)

And I could get an neurological appointment for next week! Yey.

So hopefully I can soon get the help I need.

Because these freezing episodes are creepy and the cramping is painful….

Also I got a reply from the mental health clinic I applied to.
I need to wait 10 to 12 weeks….

My social anxiety is acting up again and all the appointments really freaked me out - but I got through them! Yey!

I’m gonna try and work or something to get through the waiting… I’m not quite sure how though.
Like I want to work at a local flower shop but I’m not sure if I can face customers…
And I can’t work much so maybe 20 hours a week.

And shoutout to @mrspudniks ! ✨

He helped me get through my paralysing episodes, we now call ”becoming a frozen vegetable“. Because I’m frozen and can’t move the tiniest muscle, like a stiff carrot. Afterwards I unfreeze and my brain is all sludgy/foggy.

[Picture from Toa Heftiba, Unsplash]

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Catatonia #SocialAnxietyDisorder #dissociativedisorders #DissociationDisorders

This post is strange.
It’s a picture of a tree I really liked.
But what I actually want to talk about is the fight with my catatonic depression.

My depression has gotten better, outwardly at least. I still struggle on mornings and nights with hopelessness, anxiety and despair.

That’s when the catatonic episodes begin.
If I’m emotionally overwhelmed they come.
Normally I could feel it coming.
The way I was exhausted and didn’t want to move. Until my body got heavy, my limbs tingled and I couldn’t move anymore.

I‘m accustomed to this.

But now it’s different. And it’s scary.

Now I get trapped in my own thoughts so much that I don’t even realise that it has started.
I get lost in my thinking and I want to move but I can’t. I’m frozen in place. My body is heavy, my limbs are disconnected from my brain. I can’t move my fingers or toes. I just lay there.
If anyone where to move me (my mom once did and I hated it) my body would stay this way even when it was an uncomfortable pose to hold.
Not feeling my body wouldn’t be so bad.
But it starts to hurts. It’s like a burning, cramping sensation. And sometimes my limbs twitch and cramp but I still can’t move them.

Luckily it’s over after ten to thirty minutes.
Movement always comes back.
But it’s hard still…

It’s like my mind has gotten better but my body still hasn’t caught up.

I know most of you don’t struggle with it but I just needed to share this… It’s kinda difficult to live with…

P.S.: I got in contact with a mental health hospital, they asked specific questions and told me they would talk about it in a meeting, but they haven’t called back yet. I’m hopefully nonetheless. Even though I’m scared out of my mind…

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Catatonia #CPTSD #PTSD

When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else

I'm paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I'm paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I'm lost and it kills me
Inside
I'm paralyzed

When did I become so cold?
When did I become ashamed? (Oh)
Where's the person that I know?
They must have left
They must have left
With all my faith

I'm paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I'm paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I'm lost and it kills me
Inside
I'm paralyzed

I'm paralyzed, I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die
And if life is pain, then I buried mine
A long time ago, but it's still alive
And it's taking over me, where am I?
I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside
But I don't feel nothing, I wonder why
I'm in the race of life and time passed by

Look, I sit back and I watch it
Hands in my pockets
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em
I just watch 'em
I'm underwater but I feel like I'm on top of it
I'm at the bottom and I don't know what the problem is
I'm in a box, but I'm the one who locked me in
Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen

I'm paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I'm paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I'm lost and it kills me, inside

I'm paralyzed (yeah, I'm just so paralyzed)
Where are my feelings? (Yeah, I'm just so paralyzed)
I no longer feel things (I have no feelings)
I know I should (oh, how come I'm not moving)
(Why are you not moving?)

I'm paralyzed (hey, yeah)
Where is the real me? (Where is the real me? Where is the real me?)
I'm lost and it kills me, inside (I'm paralyzed, I'm paralyzed)
I'm paralyzed (I'm paralyzed)

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #DissociationDisorders #CPTSD #Catatonia