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I want to give up

I don’t want to die but I would really prefer if the earth could swallow me.
I have been fighting with an agency to give me consistent and appropriate services. Etc etc
But today they explicitly stated I was “choosing” not to go to a homeless shelter. They also pointed out that I missed one of their (unscheduled) calls and implied I wasn’t trying hard enough to answer
Them: “you really need to make sure you’re watching your phone.”
Me: “I am- but like I told you, I am actively experiencing long periods of catatonia and dissociation. I cannot just snap out of it.” This is a client rights officer at a mental health agency.

I feel so alone. I feel like the life I’m fighting for isn’t worth it: everyone has moved on with their lives. My shattered life is all over the place in full view of my batterers and biggest critics. I feel stupid for trying. And I feel like maybe I’m not trying hard enough. All I do all day long is repeat all of the things I have tried to people on the phone and it’s becoming so hard to keep trying.
I have had conversations with my service providers about how staying in a shelter would be inappropriate given my #ChronicMigraines and #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
I believe I am at an increased safety risk because of the medicine i am prescribed to manage my #Anxiety and #ADHD , as well as my severely debilitating symptoms of both migraines and cptsd. I spend most of my mornings curled up from nausea, I don’t eat much and I cannot sleep. I am so physically weak, lightheaded, chronically disoriented, I cannot do anything to feel better right now and there isn’t any immediate tangible help being offered. There is another agency who is tagging in now but it just feels like it’s too late.
And I’m worried that maybe I’m not trying hard enough to find a place. And it seems that people want to help until they hear how bad it all is and suddenly it becomes my fault somehow. Like missing that call. Nevermind the agency went literal months without talking to me despite me repeatedly telling them I’m not safe.
I don’t know. I’m so tired and I’m so scared. I don’t feel human.

21 reactions 9 comments

Do you go through periods of catatonia as part of your mental illness?

Trying to reach out to people who understand what I go through.
I know that catatonia is pretty common but I'm interested to learn how it affects you in comparison to other people and their experience of it. #Catatonia #MentalHealth #SchizophreniaSpectrumPsychoticDisorders #Awareness #Experiences

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Story Time of Sadness: My Terrible Summer Part 1

"You should have her committed today," she said as though I'd left the room. Her thick German accent nearly plastering the words on Jim's face. "She is obviously faking it. She was fine out in the waiting room and now she can't move?" She was right, I was closest to normal, waiting to see her, huddled on my fiance's arm in the cushioned leather chairs. It was actually an "okay" moment but so were they all before the dystonia hit and I became a breathing statue. Like a scene straight out of The House of Wax, the 1985 version, I felt and heard everything but could not respond. The hospital called it #Dystonia mixed with #Catatonia , I called it one of the scariest summers of my life. Now I can and will be the first to admit that I have problems and, like most of the world, I deal with #Anxiety and #Depression . I have in fact attempted suicide more than once and found myself severely depressed in the months leading up to that terrible appointment. But I deal and have always dealt with my mental illness and more often than not, I'm happy. It's apart of me, but not all of me. I guess I should back up some, so that it makes a little more sense.

I can remember the moment my eye began to twitch. It was a weekday morning and the sun was bleeding through the blinds. I could smell coffee wafting through the halls and fried eggs. And the low hum of fluorescent bulbs pairing nicely with the office chatter. But I couldn't concentrate or wouldn't concentrate at least for the benefit of my sanity. Instead I observed the sunlight dripping off the plastic blades like liquid gold, spilling onto the brown hair of my supervisor. Her desk sitting inches from mine in all the glory of that window. I wanted to be out in that sun drinking it up.  Just the stillness of a morning sun and I to share a moment. I wanted the grass between my fingers and the chill that collected on the blades from the night before.

Hiking across the campus in the shoes of a student with unrealized unreachable dreams. There was a thrill to living on the campus grounds and out of the supervision of parents. Suddenly you stepped down on the thoroughfare, sugary soda in one hand, bag on back. A long day's trek brings you to a cloud dust of a city, although not really, it's actually quite breathtaking. Passing eyes wandering toward your unfamiliar gaze as you tip your hat to everyone. "'Mornin,' I spoke. The silent folk nod or smile, but some simply ride on. The city was small comparably to the standards of Knox-Wood, a seedy town not two hours ride. I clutched onto my parcel and walked into the West Salloon, an all girls inn. After bidding my kinfolk good-bye I head out to reap the benefits of the wild west. Or otherwise known as, spending three to four years in the art program, rooming with my little sister, panicking everyday and fighting the urge to cry every second. It brought a whole new layer to the nighttime sadness that I'd feel from time to time as the sun slowly sank off and out of my life.

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Info on Regression in Ds

#DownSyndrome #Regression Our daughter lost all skills after turning 17 y/o. It’s not just Ds! The medical community has not agreed upon a name yet (Acute Onset Autism, Disintegration Disorder, Regression/Catatonia, Acute Clinical Deterioration, etc.), but, here’s info on a new treatment option. My daughter improved with Lorazepam and Prozac (still given daily at 21 y/o) but looking for more options.


Question if there is online self-test to determine if I need to go to mental hospital

How do a self-questioner test to determine if I am a danger to myself or others to go to mental hospital? I can check myself in if I meet this criteria, it's just that my symptoms of Bipolar Disorder is so mild, because it's stable with medications, what if I am a danger to myself and to others, it's just not manifested yet? I also do well in school and function well in society, it's hard for me to know for sure until It's too late.

I have psychological highs and lows.

When I have psychological highs, I meet diagnostic criteria for hypomania, but I used to have mania with delusions in the past.

When I have psychological lows, I meet diagnostic for milder form of depression, but I used to meet diagnostic criteria for severe depression and catatonia in the past.

I want to make it short, I don't want to list all the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder I had in the past and present, I just want to do online self-test for High-functioning people like me who might meet the criteria for being a danger to themselves or others.

I am sorry, I am having a serious mental health crisis. I know that it's sounds mild, because I able to think clearly, as if I have atypical symptology and symptology threshold.

Once police officers that checked if I was okay, they told me how well I communicate and how good my social skills are, and I told them that because I have milder form of Bipolar 1 Disorder and Autism is a spectrum, and they understood.


I feel like I have the same phenomena of how it feels like to have Schizophrenia Spectrum and Other Psychotic Disorders.

I feel like I have the same phenomena of how it feels like to have Schizophrenia, because I had delusions in tbe past. But I have feel more related to people who have history of delusions. I had delusions for ten years, and other delusions explained by neurodevelopental disorder.

I have Bipolar Disorder.

I am sorry that I said that, but what I experienced and described is a very serious mental illness.

I also had catatonia and some disorganized speech when I had severe manic episode at the age of fifteen, but I had delusions the most.


Anyone want to talk? #fightingeachday #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder

I have had surgery for my right ovarian cyst near the end May did not expect to come of surgery and suffer catatonia from general anesthesia. I ended up in a catatonic state after surgery after anaesthesia and was moved by ambulance from the private hospital where I had my surgery to a public hospital ICU for three days and then to neurology ward where I had lost the use of my right side. I woke up not able to use my right side and lost all of my independence that day when I woke up. I was diagnosed with FND and eventually told there was nothing could do and sent me home on a stretcher after weeks in hospital via medical ambulance transport. Now home I m so depressed because before all of this I had my independence even though I was limping to get around but now my right side is useless and I have to relearn everything. I feel like a burden to everyone cause need their help. I need rehab but it is not possible right now cause of really strict lockdown where I live and support cannot even come to my house to give me support. I m trying not to give up. Can anyone talk with me? #NeedSupport #depress

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The hopelessness , the fear…

Wrecked and ruined, wretched and devastated…much of my past was such and most of my life is gone. The circumstances sapping me of all energy, enthusiasm, excitement seems to be only getting worse…i’m so scared and overwhelmed… I feel so horribly fearful that even a little of my corporeal self i bring to bear to this world, i would invite some further catastrophe…Try as i might not to think of my past, the continuing litany of misery, loss and loneliness in the present as well, makes it so hollow to be future enthused. Find no meaning in the present and certainly so scared of the future which i expect only to be more painful, incapacitating, and terrifyingly lonely. I still manage to do my yoga and deep breathe but nothing seems to work. Guess the effect of my anti depressants are also wearing off.

The worse part is i have no one with whom i can share and talk about all this. none. Few know how to deal with depressed people, and since everyone talks about living in positivity, vibes of discomfort and so called negativity are to be avoided…in such a sense i feel they are the ones to be avoided lest i feel even more disgusted.
I have shared my life story before and it’s been a life gone terribly wrong…
A sense of catatonia alters with desperate urge to end my life…#deeplydisturbed #Depression #Anxiety #Loneliness #SuicidalThoughts


ECT side effects? #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #EatingDisorders #LGBTQ

Over two years ago I had many rounds of ECT to treat my catatonia and suicidality. It was effective in treating the catatonia but now I have permanent cognitive and memory deficiencies. Now I can no longer work. I was tested by a neuropsychologist and diagnosed with these conditions. Has anyone who had ECT treatment had cognitive deficiencies (short term or long term) or long term memory loss?


I don’t know

I’m going through a really hard time right now. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and Catatonia due to a stressful event that happened at work (I’m a therapist). It’s difficult to talk and move. I’m having crying spells everyday. I can’t sleep despite taking a large dose of Ativan for Catatonia. My psychiatrist said I might have to have ECT. I’m scared for the future. What should I do?