I want to give up
I don’t want to die but I would really prefer if the earth could swallow me.
I have been fighting with an agency to give me consistent and appropriate services. Etc etc
But today they explicitly stated I was “choosing” not to go to a homeless shelter. They also pointed out that I missed one of their (unscheduled) calls and implied I wasn’t trying hard enough to answer
Them: “you really need to make sure you’re watching your phone.”
Me: “I am- but like I told you, I am actively experiencing long periods of catatonia and dissociation. I cannot just snap out of it.” This is a client rights officer at a mental health agency.
I feel so alone. I feel like the life I’m fighting for isn’t worth it: everyone has moved on with their lives. My shattered life is all over the place in full view of my batterers and biggest critics. I feel stupid for trying. And I feel like maybe I’m not trying hard enough. All I do all day long is repeat all of the things I have tried to people on the phone and it’s becoming so hard to keep trying.
I have had conversations with my service providers about how staying in a shelter would be inappropriate given my #ChronicMigraines and #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
I believe I am at an increased safety risk because of the medicine i am prescribed to manage my #Anxiety and #ADHD , as well as my severely debilitating symptoms of both migraines and cptsd. I spend most of my mornings curled up from nausea, I don’t eat much and I cannot sleep. I am so physically weak, lightheaded, chronically disoriented, I cannot do anything to feel better right now and there isn’t any immediate tangible help being offered. There is another agency who is tagging in now but it just feels like it’s too late.
And I’m worried that maybe I’m not trying hard enough to find a place. And it seems that people want to help until they hear how bad it all is and suddenly it becomes my fault somehow. Like missing that call. Nevermind the agency went literal months without talking to me despite me repeatedly telling them I’m not safe.
I don’t know. I’m so tired and I’m so scared. I don’t feel human.