I feel good- or do I feel numb?
I feel happy- or in a state of stillness?
Overall, I have felt better- my intense frequent bad days have turned into manageable, occasional bad days. Yet, I still don’t feel good. I feel off? Some days I have to force myself to remember things I used to care deeply about, force myself to bring up emotion. Although, I’ve been doing a lot better, I have less anxiety - something just doesn’t seem right?
Am I overthinking this?
I haven’t been to my second therapy treatment in a month, partly due to his waiting time- so maybe that’s why I don’t know how to categorize these new feelings I’m not used to consistently having?
I just want to feel better, and I have been. But I don’t want to lose sight of who I was before I started this.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in May, offered treatment and therapy right away but couldn’t get myself to accept that I needed help.
I went back to the doctors today after I finally accepted that I need help and that this might make things a little easier for me. But I am so terrified.
I have my first therapy session tomorrow and I picked up my first set of antidepressants yesterday (Cipralex). I have yet to start them, I am nervous, worried I will become dependant or even get worse then where I am now.
I’ve only told my bestfriend but I feel judged for wanting to start my meds, as he told me to rethink before I risk all the side effects or getting dependant on a medication. I don’t want to seem weak but I can’t function anymore, I feel like no one close to me understands. I’m scared to start this journey because I feel so alone.