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10 year trigger

A normal day can turn into a battle when you’re a recovering addict - even after 10 years without using.

Today was a rainy day, around the same temperature it was when I first started using over 10 years ago. I get in my car to go to university when Poker Face comes on: my go-to song for a sniff of cocaine.

Then it hit me, that feeling; that intense craving seemingly impossible to fight triggered by something so simple as a song and a temperature.

My mind stops focusing on anything but the memories and euphoria of the past. It plays tricks on me. It convinces me that nothing bad ever happened because of me using, that I would still be able to function, that I could do it one more time or perhaps occasionally and still be okay.

The longing leads to brainstorming. I think to myself: maybe someone in this building knows where I can get some. Maybe if I sit here long enough, someone will come along and just know this is what I want. Maybe I can go to Cocaine Anonymous and get some from someone there who is as weak as I am. It would be so easy.

These thought last all day, through 5 hours of class. I can’t pay attention because I’m craving. I’m only thinking of one thing. I can’t smile because I don’t have what I think I need. I don’t crack my normal corny jokes because I don’t care. I suffer from physical cravings too: sweaty palms, rapid heart beat, nausea from the anxiety and pseudo-thrill of seeking the next high.

So after class ends, I sit outside trying to grapple with my thoughts, trying to defeat my own mind and conquer the cravings.

I go for a walk, yearning for someone to talk to who knows what I’m going through. But nobody knows. I know I’m on my own to make the decision to not use today.

I know I can drive a few blocks away to find it, use it, and feel better.

But I know the high lasts 20 minutes then I’m right back down where I started, and the demon gets harder to fight each time.

I get the courage to get in the car. To my own surprise, I don’t drive where I would have 10 years ago. I drive home, where I know I should. And now I wait it out to see how many days this craving lasts before I forget again how much I miss cocaine.

Today almost turned into another day one. But it didn’t. For today at least, I conquered the enemy... the enemy inside myself. #Cocaine #CocaineDependence #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #addictionsupport #Recovery