addiction recovery

So I didn't want to share this yet, but for some reason I felt today was the day to let everyone know I signed and he signed the divorce papers! It has been a long, long rode to get to here today. It's a bitter sweet feeling. I still feel like a failure. That I failed my kids who are now 20 and 24 and in a way I did. They had to be around the toxicity and that wasn't good for them. If I could have done things differently I would have divorced a long time ago. I was so vulnerable back then that I didn't trust my own thoughts and feelings because he had manipulated, belittled me, made me second guess myself, the porn!!, the stalking with GPS trackers in the car. The indoor cameras that were all over the house and even in our bedroom. He made me double think my own sanity, the outdoor moving cameras all angles on the house, did I mention the porn!! The cheating, and more cheating and finally the big thing that ended our marriage was the STD he got.. (he says a dirty toilet seat) I knew that it was over at that point.
Now, I am not perfect. I got a bad addiction to opiates and it ran it's course and I did alot of damage in the home. I was miserable with myself with everyone around me, the world. The day I got clean I knew was the end of my marriage. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I had to sit with them and really understand why I feel the way I do.
I decided to better myself and really find who I was. I started therapy, I joined a 12 step fellowship. I got a support network. I started to do service in this 12 step fellowship. I got a part time job, started to learn how to apply makeup and make myself look pretty again. I went to school to become a Peer Advocate, and even became a recovery coach! I started too love myself again. I started feeling I wasn't so alone. The more I did the next right thing, the happier I became. I even took domestic violence classes. I started to save money and build a little savings account.. and finally I moved out. So here we are today, finished signing the divorce papers. I am currently living in my own apartment. I am about to work a full time job as a Peer Advocate. Pay my own bills and go back to school to get my masters in Mental Health counseling. I'm living the dream and it only goes up from there.

Today I am healing and thriving. I just left a 24 year marriage with a narcissist husband. It wasn't easy. I drowned myself in my own addiction to opiates. I was miserable at myself and the world. I couldn't figure out why I stayed in this state of misery.
So 4 years ago my soon to be ex-husband choked me out in front of my daughter. I knew at that moment it was time to leave. I was scared of him and what he could do behind closed doors if he could so bluntly do this to me in front of my daughter.
I decided to get myself into recovery and clean myself up. I forced myself to get trauma therapy and take domestic violence classes. I got in a 12 step program and made friends.
As I got myself together, I started to realize all the lies and manipulation my ex had done but I also realized that i had to take accountability for my actions. I learned that I didn't do anything to deserve him to put his hands on me, however what I did do was allow him to treat me in an unloving, uncaring, emotionally, verbally way.
When I finally came to terms it was time for me to leave, I had invested 4 years into this recovery. I went looking for apartments and finally found the cutest small basement apartment close by so that I can still have access to see my son who is 20 and my daughter who is 24 as well as the puppy my ex bought me last year for our anniversary as he knew I was getting ready to leave. It was one last way to control me.
I left 4 months ago. He filed for divorce within 6 weeks of me leaving. I obtained a lawyer as well and we just signed the papers this week. I am full of emotions both good ones and bad ones. It's sad that this is how my forever marriage had to end. I am also very hopeful and optimistic about my future. This year is about healing myself and getting my power back. Also setting boundaries with everyone in my life. To learn and find out what I truly enjoy doing and to take my experiences and help others that are going through this situation. Please know you are not alone!! WE DO RECOVER!!

I love my job! I am a Certified Peer Advocate and I get to deal with clients on a daily via phone to follow them on their recovery from substance abuse. However, I keep making small mistakes that have now added up to a possible termination. As much as I love my job I also am more of a face to face type of person. The phone doesn't give me that option. So I remembered that when God wants to remove something from your life he throws roadblocks till I make that decision. I work part time as I am on disability and I have been wanting to get a full time job for awhile now. Maybe these minor mistakes are the road blocks! So with the help of friends I am talking out about this situation. Making a pro and con list, and I am writing it on here for some feedback. This is how my recovery works for me today. I reach out to others. WOW! I have definitely come a long way in my healing journey!

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#GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #BipolarDisorder #MentalHealth #AddictionRecovery