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Depression post, trauma, and trying to get better

Today I’m trying to take ahold of what I can control in my life. Even though I struggle with severe #Depression and #Anxiety I try and do what I can to make my life as #normal as possible. Some days aren’t always so bad and I can function okay and pretty normally despite having #suicidal thoughts. Other times I have to remind myself it’s the little #victories are a huge win. Doing a load of laundry. Splashing my face with cold water and putting on deodorant and some perfume as just getting ready for the day. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.

I was in some pretty bad and abusive relationships. #Drug use, #Alcohol , #DomesticViolence . My last relationship I stayed with him for so long because I felt like I was damaged goods. He gave me #herpes and I felt like my life was over. I was no longer able to be “normal”, date normally ever again. I was as good as rotten fruit, even though I only had 3 boyfriends my whole life and never had any one night stands. So I stayed, even through the manipulation, the lies, the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I was receiving daily. Why did I deserve better? Why would anyone, think anything of me besides just being damaged and just bad baggage? I didn’t deserve it, hell I was such a disappointment to myself let alone I’m sure being a disappointment to my family. I was so exhausted, so depressed, so I stayed and ignored the very obvious red flags. He even had a previous domestic charge on him from a prior relationship. He even told me in such a rage later on that he did punch her when he swore up and down he didn’t. He would constantly yell at me on my lunch breaks that I was cheating on him with my coworkers. One time when I didn’t text him back within two minutes, I was the bad guy. Getting called every name in the book, because I deserved it. He would constantly kick me, choke me, punch me in the face, spit on me, throw water on me, pull my hair, grab me so I wasn’t able to leave. Grab my phone and keys so I couldn’t call or leave on my own free will. He used to do MMA for 10+ years. One time he kicked me in my leg so hard I couldn’t walk normally for a week. He’s broken my ankle, causing me to be in crutches. Chocked me so hard the blood vessels in my eye burst. I always had bruises on my body. Yet I stayed. I wanted to die.

I never told anyone anything until I got into therapy just a few months ago. It wasn’t until my ex screamed at me for hours about how he was going to kill me, bash my head into various objects. I finally grabbed the valuables I had, my dog, and I left when he was at work.

So now I’m in a safe place, away from him. I cut off all communication. Deleted his photos and am donating or throwing out anything we shared together. However I’m stuck with these feelings of #Guilt , #Shame and #anger . I wish I wasn’t scarred from all this but I am. I wish I could date again normally but idk that’s going to take a lot of time. I want to tell him nasty things he told me to get back at him. I’m upset at myself for not leaving when I so should have. I’m trying to deal with these emotions and trauma. So anyways I’m just sitting here folding my laundry and cleaning out my closet because so far that’s what I have control over. I’m still incredibly suicidal because I feel like I can’t be normal or date normally so the future is scary. I feel better finally and I’m glad I left. I’m just now trying to get out of this flight of fight stage, trying to better myself and maybe someday in the future someone will understand. Until then I have my loving mom my dog and my lizard. Onto my next load of laundry.

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Welcome, y’all! Fellow horse (any animals, really) lovers, come one and all! #horsesrmagic

I created this group for every fellow horse lover, as the horse world is rough, especially if you’re dealing with any kind of mental and/or physical health issues. This includes everything from #Depression , #Drug Abuse, #Anxiety Disorders, #body Image Issues, #relationship Issues, or just #animal Lover (and the struggle that comes with being a #sensitive , #Feeling & #caring person for them), etc.

All animal welfare topics are welcomed, but the point of this group is specifically meant to be geared to equestrians and horses.

If you’re an #Equestrian , or an aspiring/working one, we know the challenges that can stand in the way of this. Therefore, let’s chat about it. We can unite and meet our goals! #Horses ARE magic!

1 reaction 6 comments

Help please

I think my friend has relapsed. I went through her bag and saw some of the med they have abused in the past and I’ve also witnessed some questionable behavior. Should I confront with no evidence and just suspicions? I know going into bag was wrong 😞 #Drug addiction #Sobriety #Depression #Addiction


How do I reason with my adult child to continue medical care? #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #BipolarDepression #ADHD #Drug addiction

He was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Bipolar, ADHD. I know he is struggling so much. He thinks he can take care of himself. He goes to school out of state and is now home for the summer. He sees a therapist and psychiatrist at school that can not treat him in his home state. They only gave him enough medicine for 30 days at home he told me. He knows he needs to find new drs. He gets very annoyed with me when I try to discuss looking for new drs. . How do I convince him he needs to continue his care with new drs? He has a internship in the fall in a new state on top of this😬



I recently was given the opportunity to start taking steps to go to #Rehab for #Drug addiction in the uk, i was really nervous but wanted to go, but now I'm so scared I'm using moor drugs to cope with the anxiety it's so overwhelming, has anyone got any advice or experience, I appreciate any help!


A mistake

I TOOK AN EDIBLE 30 GM Took my meds and a muscle relaxer at same time. Never been so sick in entire life. Paranoia, dizziness, vomitting. Now in fear of everything. #mistake #Drugs #Drug #Paranoia #Drug #Paranoia #Fear #scared

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Unspoken disappointment.

How does one know if they have a mental illness and how do you know which one you have? Sometimes I think ì have something really wrong with me. I think too much.. I've always been that way but I don't have a lot of memories when I was younger. If you could hear some of the things I have said to myself multiple times a day, you would see I'm split in two inside maybe more. I'm so tired of being hateful. I'm not usually awful to other people, just to me. I wonder about split personalities sometimes because I feel like I'm watching myself up walking, talking and yet I have no control over my thoughts or feelings. It's like the blackouts I would get when I was drinking a lot, I couldn't remember things I said to others and the next day or the next, I would lose friends because I would say something mean or jealous. But this time my life is just like a nightmare and everyday the pain consumes me and all I want to do is to stop the dreams which later become not something I've said before but different from the truth. Two faced is how I felt. But I would tell myself I didn't do or say that but not knowing what is real, is so hard. I understand so much more now but I need answers to fix me. I will always be someone who I don't remember. I know this isn't important for you to be ok but its important to me to be ok. And that is all that really matters so they say. But what if you wanted to help others which would help yourself, but you never knew if it was ok to think that way. Harder to like yourself after you opened up so much. Harder to feel safe and trust yourself, when you can't even trust yourself. I imagine that I can remember feeling that feeling. How much is brain washing by the person you thought you could trust the most to find that that hateful person is inside of you poisoning everything good thing in your life. Literally like you see a little girl sitting there but knowing this person was your worst enemy and you just want to hurt her for screwing everything up in your life. You are told to forgive her and trust her but how can you when you watch yourself functioning and don't know how well. I don't want to lose anymore things or people/pets. How do I deal with this loss or grief and not look like the horrible things I say about myself. Sometimes you meet people or pets that touch your life in some way. And the loss is more than I can bare. If all I have to look forward to is love,loss, disappointments and pain. I want to go to wherever I was before I lost the person I was and I struggle with change. Ì am an empath, I'm not seeking attention from others only answers inside myself and to connect the puzzle but I can't turn off the noise long enough to remember. I think I have complex ptsd but I'm not sure, split personalities. I have been diagnosed with #MDD , #PTSD , #social anxiety disorder #Drug addiction but I think I have a few more problems but I'm not sure.


Whats your methotrexate side effects?

Hey everyone. Ive been on methotrexate injections for 9 months now. I'm having a hard time differentiating whats a sign/symptom from my conditions (possible new condition) or a side effect.
What are your side effects from Methotrexate?
#RheumatoidArthritis #Migraine #Anxiety #Drug allergies #SideEffects #Food sensitivities #Insomnia #ChronicIlless #chronicpainsufferer


Anyone have severe muscle weakness as a side effect of Keppra? Just went up to 1000 mg recently and think they are related.

#Epilepsy #Pain #Bursitis #Arthritis #Drug side effects