I'm new here!
Hi, my name is Raftninja. I'm here because
I have been in a marriage of 25 years to a narcissist and I never really knew what to call the abuse. I knew deep down something was off but when I tried to get proof it ended up making me look crazy. Now I have bipolar per a stay in the mental ward. He took my independence and turned me into this controlled, fearful, scared and isolated woman. One day a friend of mine said to me that what he was doing was emotional abuse. So I have been doing a lot of soul searching and coming to terms with this. I am in domestic violence classes, I am in a 12 step fellowship due to my use of opiates. I have a great support group that stands behind me. Today I am working on myself and healing. I am leaving him March 1st and moving on with my life. I'm learning to forgive him so I can grow into that independent woman I always knew was there!
Tw: sexual abuse, graphic
It’s crazy to think or say this. But I think my own husband has sexually abused me. He has a thing for anal. I’d never done it before and never wanted to. He got upset saying “so I’ll never get to do it again?” And guilt tripped me into trying it. I was so uncomfortable. It was downright painful at times. I didn’t enjoy it really at all but he didn’t care. He would guilt trip me into doing it. Idk I read online at that time you’re supposed to at least try for your partner so I did but he just kept pushing even when I would tell him how miserable it was. How uncomfortable it was, how it would burn, or ache etc. I mean it didn’t really give me any pleasure at all. I remember feeling so confused and stuck because I kept trying to explain to him like “I know you want this but this is making me miserable and I don’t want to do it. I have tried and I really don’t want to anymore.” I would beg him not to make me, and he would still push the idea and make me feel guilty for not “giving him what he wanted”. He was so ENTITLED TO MY BODY. That’s what it is. I just can’t believe for years my own husband has been doing this to me. How am I going to process that? I never understood why he didn’t care to stop when it hurt or when I did ask him to stop he would still act bummed instead of concerned for me. He would also compare/bring up his ex who had “no problem with anal”.
Hi, my name is Sonia. I'm here for many reasons. Recently my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I would like support on how to help her navigate this stage in her life, while I'm dealing with my own mental issues, such as anxiety. My biggest concern in life right now is that I have had a series of unhealthy friendships and relationships that had led me to feel very anxious and isolated from people. I'm currently in a relationship which has been turbulent since the beginning. Even though the guy is a very nice person, after almost two years of knowing him, I'm starting to believe he has some traits of narcissism. I had previously dealt with two people who were narcissistic and it's just a dark life, however, I feel like I truly love him. Despite all that, I finally feel stable with a good job and good people around me, so my goals are to inform myself on topics that can help me feel emotionally stable so I can enjoy the good things happening around me and give others joy.
Hi, my name is deshea. I'm here because I live with a Narcissist
I keep feeling guilty for distancing myself. I know he can tell I am. He relies so heavily on me. But then I just remember the way last night when he came home the first thing he did was put me down to our fucking daughter. How an hour later he yelled “bullshit!” At me over something that was true and he laughed condescendingly. And the way I stood up for myself and said that I didn’t like the way it made me feel when he said that (which I’ve never done before with those comments) and he said “oh sorry” and then when I continued pouring myself some cereal and looked back he was still STARING AT ME. ANALYZING ME. What kind of genuine person does that? I’ve never caught him looking at me like that. He’s being extra clingy and buying me gifts. He comes to me and runs things past me to see if they’re socially appropriate to say in public. I’m like his filter. My daughter can’t have someone like this as her example of a good husband or father. I have to remember that. I have to look at his actions but it’s so hard because he has made me so fucking happy before.
New here today I can texts a few of the issues I'm going through that have me really numb and emotnaly drained empty. First I have PTSD and BPD not sure about the complex. To my surprise after 4 very unimaginable years of having unimaginable things done said in the most subconscious ways Ihave absolutely no clue about anything. All I know is pain anger confusion numbness. Stripped of everything in the end other then the clothes on my back currently at a safe house for men. Who am I ? Like the bpd I've always had small issues about my identity but no all I know is what my name is and even then it's no longer familiar. My family believe her how did she convince everyone I abandoned her ? And that I'm on drugs and gamble and cheated I've never done any of that but I catch myself doubting myself about it. The intensity of our love and now I'm absolutely meaningless. Everything I've read about says she just used me for what they call supply . I was food deprived convinced I wasn't enough unless she was with me that without her I wouldn't succeed. I've always needed guidance. Without getting into detail imagine how I felt when my aunt molested me as a child multiply it by 20 and that's close to how she made me feel and the damn feeling is I'm in instilled but now I don't have her to make me feel better again like it always happens . Everyone else is at her side I'm alone with not 1 single person and honestly can't be around one what if there like that too? How will I be able to tell who's who . I've never believed in demonic possession but that's gotta be the answer she's gotta be possessed. The way even the kids got treated unforgivable. No human could be like that. Or am I imagining it? Whoever reads this thank you . I ask for whatever you can give me I'll take it all I have nothing.
Today I'm able to muster enough to do this . Usually I'm completely isolated constantly confused intensely emotionally drained so drained I'm numb I don't know who I am or what my core values are anymore . I just know what everyone says that I'm a monster I'm so unlovable that after my suicide attempt I couldn't come home and my soul mate had a new man living already at the house I bought that while I was in the psych ward she drained ever dollar I had . But before it got to that point she stripped me of my dignity my self worth my identity my values I had no voice no opinion other than her if I went in any way against her either it was a death match which was completely controlled by her or she would disappear. She convinced me without her I was nothing that my own family was against me I wasn't allowed out of the bed room in the last 6 months . She would food deprive me I tried running away but she called the police said I hit her and put me in jail to find out she made movies while I was jail of the adult kind and had them on adult sites . The betrayal was unimaginable the amount of confusion control this girl had somehow over me that I could not get out of today I say was insanity . I'll never be myself again I honestly am just stuck my brain is not right . I'm already borderline now my psychotic voices when ever they come are of her . I see her in the shadows I wake up drenched . I jump at sudden movement. I have a inability to say no I've never had a problem telling someone no in a way that wasn't offensive I can't now I just do it . How have I become like this I couldn't even kill myself right is what she told me . Two days no contact but I wanna contact her why? What is wrong with me? She had monitoring devices in my phone . Nothing of mine was mine . I had nothing . I was hers to do as she wished for 4 years how could I be so foolish . No other girl has ever or person and I was molested as a kid has ever made me feel like this I'm dead but alive I'm alive but in a dream . I'm just going through motions I don't know if I can ever bounce back . I start to try and something or another will trigger me into either a major panic attack to where I'm in a ambulance or I melt balling in front of whom ever I feel safe nowhere I trust nobody . I can't isolate myself enough.
New here looking for anyway to make myself feel think be unstuck . To feel think that I am not worthless or that I'm not always wrong or that I have a voice . Or that I'm able to be honest about how I feel and not mad fun of . Today I found enough in me to look on line for some sort of support. Short version of 4 years I am borderline decided to keep it real with my next true love . We'll hook line and sinker soulmate matched my every quality knew me and my most deepest secrets was the financial one because she claimed jokingly to be more responsible only to ruin me . Empty me hollow me I feel as if I am nothing without her now I've found out she's a covert narcissist. My damaged abandoned childhood BPD the intensity of my feelings she convinced me to attempt to kill myself. Only to survive and find out that in the three weeks I was in the hospital she was already living with another guy . Currently at a homeless shelter she ruined everything everyone is against me it's all my fault I have nobody just the clothes on my back terrified to get my stuff if I take the police it'll make her mad and she'll come after me . I'm so defeated depressed numb. I don't recognize myself I have vivid nightmares. Thanks for reading had to get it out in the shortest form .
Forgive the length and introspection of the following post…. it has helped me just to write to continue “sorting things” out. The very long story short is that after forty years of a very successful life (and an invisibly (to me) emotionally abusive marriage) I have reclaimed my life. Intensive therapy, the support of friends I didn’t know I had, reminders that I hadn’t always been this way and enough money from inheritance to relieve my terror of financial isolation opened this door. And within ten days of beginning the necessarily secret steps into this reclaimed life, I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.
This community’s candor, trust and sharing are helping me shed the layers of these years’ false lessons. If I can stop defining myself by chronic traumatic stress, perhaps I can work on not being defined by my Parkinson’s.
Now to the gory details….
To start, I will claim a life of privilege - not financial wealth but physical safety, economic security, shelter, food, education. Raised in an inclusive, joyous faith. Ethnically white at a time when that really mattered. Being a woman could have been a barrier, but I was raised to think that gender did not limit me. (My later professional world did not agree with that!) The good news (another ‘successful’ resume) is that I come from an intact family and have had good relationships with family members ( I think. ) Organically, I am very smart (professional ‘IQ’ tests as a child, fast track, etc. ) That does not mean I am smart in the real world. A great professional resume of degrees, job offers, career, earnings. In retrospect, do I see signs of perfectionism? Why did I always feel the need to earn ‘it?’ Well, I was rescued at age 25 by someone smart, attractive, successful, outgoing — did I say, outgoing? As an extrovert, he pulled me (the introvert) into his embrace of the world. Someone once asked me (ten years and three children later) why I married him, I said because he made me laugh. With all my personal success, I didn’t laugh— I was busy achieving.
I’ve had excellent clinical support for a myriad of health and mental challenges since my teens. Living in a large urban area with lots of teaching hospitals and my career in healthcare systems combined with good insurance allowed me to find and rely on good professionals. I was a good patient. I ensured that my clinicians talked to each other. I disclosed my symptoms. I acted on their advice, combined with my own research and second opinions.
And I never talked about emotional distress in my marriage, after all, I chose to be in my marriage.
And I (at age 65) just left a 40-year marriage that was viewed by outsiders as a great success. However my children, my clinicians and even associates in my faith community cheer me on, and wonder why it took me so long it to get here. (I called them ‘associates’. I hadn’t had a new ‘friend’ in 20 years. But I have learned that they really are friends - I can trust them (I think!)) When I realized, after renewed, intense work in therapy, that this wonderful husband was not ever going to be different no matter how hard I tried, and that he was cruel to me, that it wasn’t just me, I knew I had to escape. “Reclaim my life“ as a friend described it. I had already realized some of those things over the decades, but I was literally terrified of financial isolation, that his punishment would be to lock the money up, and to tear our children apart in a vicious custody battle citing my years of “psychiatric care” (as he called it. )
When my engineer father died two years ago at age 92 (my mother having died ten years before,) Dad owned the house where my brother and I grew up. Selling that house gave me, based on my state’s laws, enough money of my own to survive, no matter what my husband did. That freedom was life-saving. And when my husband tried to control that money, I knew I had to leave. I could not resist him. Drawing on all those career skills and finding more friends that I knew I had, I methodically and secretly rented a temporary apartment, a storage unit, movers for the things I owned from my family (grandmother’s piano, etc.,) hired an attorney, moved while my husband was out-of-town, found a long-term rental… and then the other shoe dropped. I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease within a week of starting to leave my husband of forty years.
Emotional abuse, chronic PTSD are new words to me, and it’s very humbling to hear the profile of a narcissist, and the results from chronic traumatic stress. Humbling, but now not shaming (most of the time.) Now I have to work hard not to be ashamed of having Parkinson’s. Reading the technical and emotional experiences so generously shared by this community has taken me further into understanding and accepting my own experiences then all those degrees, good clinicians and friends. (Did I mention how well I hid this corner of my life from all these audiences?)
If I can learn from you to not be defined by my chronic emotional abuse, perhaps I can deal with my greatest fear of Parkinson’s, the ultimate need to rely on help. So while the secret is out about my emotionally abusive husband and the results for me, I am keeping the Parkinson’s secret.