My son found the perfect retirement community to place his Narcissistic Abusive Father…..
My son found the perfect retirement community to place his Narcissistic Abusive Father…..
Why don’t they care?
This requires some background. I was diagnosed with FND (Functional Neurological Disorder) in 2017. For those not in the know, that means that the emotional portion of my brain (specifically the amygdala) has a very strong pathway connected to my involuntary functions, brain stem, speech and processing centers, and motor reflexes. My NeuroPsych thinks I was actually born with FND (usually develops due to trauma, often complex trauma in young individuals), meaning I’ve never been “normal”. But we didn’t figure any of this out until I was 33. Until I’d been taking 22 pills every morning for a host of diagnoses I didn’t actually have and the symptoms of which weren’t getting better. Doctors accused me of lying, family got upset, all of which stressed me out causing, you guessed it, more symptoms. We figured it out though, so everything should be fixed since we know what to treat right? Uh huh. Show me a life without any stress and I’ll ask what time the funeral is. I’m getting things together(ish), I’ve accepted that disability is just where I’m at. I have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and complex PTSD, great additions to FND. My dad at the time is dating who would become ex-wife number three.
Dad loves me in his way, but untreated bipolar paired with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) doesn’t create the safest or stablest of environments. Their marriage imploded, because she was unstable. Anyone who attacks someone like a monkey clinging to their back and then threatens their daughter to try and force them to do what she says; unstable by my definition. Out of a year of marriage, they were together 3 months. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, even once I saw what was happening, how damaging our relationship could be to me. So I supported him through it all. That was three years ago. She walked back into his life this spring and apparently I’m supposed to just forget it all. Pretend she’s a completely different person, forget that she put him in the ER, forget the abusive phone calls and voice messages she left on my phone to try and get at him, forget that she threatened my life if he didn’t do what she said.
I put a boundary in place. One year. If she’s truly changed, then she’ll still be that same person a year from now, and I’ll feel safe with proof. One year with no fits, no attacks, no suicide threats or arrests, and no asking for money. That’s what the first marriage felt like, her gold digging. If she loves him, then she loves him for him and doesn’t need his money. Except he’s suddenly constantly broke. A man who has a steady monthly income that’s half what I live on in an entire year, is strained for cash. Then he starts pushing. “She says hi.” No. I said no contact. “Can’t you just say hi over the phone?” No. I said no contact. “You’re going to lose your relationship with me. I hope you understand the consequences of your actions.” This is the consequence of her actions. She threatened me, attacked you, made me feel unsafe. Now to feel comfortable, I need proof of her growth. That is a consequence of her actions. “You’re shifting the blame, you need to take responsibility.”
That was when I pointed out that a big part of this year is because I need to protect myself. I’m overweight, making me 5x more likely than the average person to have a heart attack. I have an irregular heartbeat, making my heart more likely to have a health event. I have FND, making me 10x more likely to have a stress induced heart attack. I have severe anxiety and complex PTSD, meaning I jump and react 100x more than the average person to stress (these numbers are from my doctors). I HAVE to protect myself. I had three major seizures last Friday night because of a disagreement with him over this very topic. When I reminded him in that conversation that it would harm his relationship more if I fell over dead of a stress induced heart attack because I didn’t put that boundary in place, he thanked me for reminding him that I have a serious neurological condition because it’s easy to forget. I walk around with a stress noose around my neck every day and it’s easy to forget?! Today when I told him about the seizures, after he pushed me to talk to her, I was told that I was making a big deal out of nothing.
Nothing. My health is nothing to him.
This is where my topic title comes in. Why doesn’t he care?! I’m a former step-mom to a kiddo who turns 16 this fall. I’d sacrifice myself for my kid in an instant (and almost did one 4th of July when his dad messed with fireworks). His mom granted me mom status after I left his dad because I “did more than his dad ever did for him”. How do I understand what a parent should be when mine doesn’t care in the slightest? I’m not saying he can’t have a relationship, I want him to be happy. I didn’t even say he couldn’t have this relationship, I only asked that my boundaries be respected. Why doesn’t he care?
#FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #CPTSD #AbuseSurvivors #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #frustration
Don’t be afraid to tell your story
No End To Narcissism
Why #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder is so difficult to diagnose
I swear, if one more person says to me, “Oh, but, your mother had an abusive childhood. Can’t you show her some compassion? Why can’t you just be the bigger person and forgive her?” I am going to scream!
Yes, it is true. My mother was sexually abused by her father from the age of 9 and ongoing until she left home at the age of 18. Yes, her mother failed to believe and protect her. So, yes, I have compassion for that child. However, behaving like a malicious adult is a CHOICE my mother makes that I refuse to excuse.
When others excuse poor behavior with, “Oh, she had a rough childhood,” “Oh, he had a bad day,” or “Oh, that’s just how they are,” this perpetuates the behavior because there are no consequences. And, there sure are a lot of consequences for the behavior of those with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder or #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder. So, I am a bit resentful when I am held to a higher standard of behavior despite having a chronically psychologically abusive upbringing.
Court systems never excuse violent crime on the basis of the perpetrator’s abusive upbringing. Why then, is it common practice to excuse psychological violence? THIS is why NPD is so difficult to diagnose—narcissistic behavior has no consequences. The behavior of the narcissist WORKS for them.
To diagnose a #MentalHealth, the individual being diagnosed must exhibit distress in some area of their life directly related to the symptoms that causes discomfort or impairment of functioning. While the targets of narcissism DO experience these things from being in a #Relationships with the person exhibiting narcissistic behavior, the narcissistic individual expresses no such experience. Their behavior works for them. So, they see nothing wrong with how they behave. If someone is unhappy with their behavior, all they have to do is discard that person and move on to the next target.
Enablers who excuse and rationalize narcissistic behavior are the hidden strength of the narcissistic person. Without enablers, narcissism would be significantly reduced in this world. If decent people, who are actually the majority in this world, stood up to narcissistic behavior and held these individuals accountable, that would bring into their consciousness the necessity for change. Unfortunately, enablers fear conflict. They fear judgment. They fear instability. They fear loss.
It has been said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” As a family scapegoat, I have conquered those fears, if I ever had them. As a family scapegoat, the biggest fear is the inaction and #Abuse-enabling of people who are fearful.
Someone tell me he really doesn't care
I've read that people with borderline personality disorder and /or narcissistic personality disorder don't really love the person they've ensnared in their web of hostility and craziness. It's time for me to go. I have to abandon this 40 year marriage before I lose my mind, again. Am I strong enough to go yet? I struggle. I deserve better. I was screamed at again the other day and I'm devastated as usual. When we have a few good weeks I feel almost normal and like maybe I can be strong and learn to live with it. I swear I look at him sometimes and see a slithering hissing snake. Does he care if I go? Oh yes, he says he has too much invested in me. I've kept an emergency bag packed for many of my 40 years. I am a coward to use it. Oh why can't I see that he really doesn't care? This is my prayer, that I get the strength to go and not be so damn loyal to a man the crumbles my soul.
Up to this point…
For the last few years, I’ve been grappling with the issue of wanting acknowledgment from my mom’s husband. I’ve had the hardest time not going back to an “empty well” (so to speak) when it comes to this. I even struggle with that when it comes to her. But as of the last few months, in and out of therapy, I’ve been able to get a hold of myself. I had to be very honest with every aspect of myself. From my younger self to my adult self. And the truth is this: I don’t love my step parent and I never did. I went along with all the family stuff because I felt that that was what I was supposed to do. I didn’t talk about my family to anyone in detail because it made me angry. I kept quiet because I was on survival mode both when things were bad and when things were stable. I allowed this “perfect family “ image to last so long because I didn’t want to rock the boat. On top of all of this, I did what I did to keep my mom happy. I had no real identity. I felt restricted, I didn’t even want to invite my friends over (I didn’t really have that option either). After realizing that he is a narcissist, it explained a lot, but it didn’t take away the hurt and frustration. I’ve had three major deaths in my family and he didn’t say a word to me (and we live in the same apartment). In some articles I’ve read about narcissistic step parents, they’ve said that we should show compassion towards them even though they don’t show that they care about us. The truth is, the compassion is no longer in me. I’ve gotten to the point where if I ever got anything out of him, I would no longer want it. I waited this long for some form of a fatherly gesture and I think I can go on without it (from him). I’ve had many stand in male figures in my life that were positive and I welcome those relationships. I’m just over faking it to the rest of the world. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #stepparent #movingforward #Grief
One thing that scared me the most
One thing that scared me is I watched murder mysteries, Most Evil and those documentaries explains how delusions motivate those types of serial killers. Most of those serial killers were found NGRI, but some of those killers where found guilty at first, after some time in prison, their delusions became worse and they were also found NGRI as well. I think it's because to be a serial killer, you need to be very intelligent and especially to cover your tracks, and another reason why some of those killers were found guilty at first, it is because they seem to know right from wrong, by the judge asking simple questions, if they understand the charges, some of those delusional killers said that they do, but were later found NGRI after being found sane. Another thing that scared me is slander case, one of them were found guilty, but I heard they they were also civility committed.
It's like an isolated link between specific types of mental health and criminal behavior. Because, there is such thing as Insanity defence, incompetence, diminished capacity.
The scary thing is that when I watched documentaries of people becoming serial killers, they start to have a fixed, false belief of whom they are targeting and why. I asked my mom why when people kill three or more innocent people, something about their beliefs is delusional, and she explained to me that they have personality disorders that causes delusional thinking and that no one without those types of personality disorders would want to do that to innocent people.
Those serial killers that got NGRI were diagnosed with personality disorders, with delusions as a symptom.