Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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Narcissism plus pain

Despite having a pretty good week, my mother ruined my entire night with her narcissistic remarks. I hate how jealous she is of me. I hate how entitled she feels. I have surpassed her in education and I will continue to surpass her in education and that’s tough titties that she didn’t want to continue to study and chose kids over education. Her choice not mine. I want to keep studying to pursue my dreams and I should feel proud of that.

I feel so much pain when I talk about my mother cause I feel like no one understands unless their mother is a narcissist too. Nobody knows how painful it can be to have your mom, your cheerleader say “no let’s talk about me instead.” It literally breaks my soul in two. Sometimes I wish she wasn’t my mother at all. #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #PTSD

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Divorce papers signed! #Divorce #narcisism #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #happy #Addiction #AddictionRecovery

So I didn't want to share this yet, but for some reason I felt today was the day to let everyone know I signed and he signed the divorce papers! It has been a long, long rode to get to here today. It's a bitter sweet feeling. I still feel like a failure. That I failed my kids who are now 20 and 24 and in a way I did. They had to be around the toxicity and that wasn't good for them. If I could have done things differently I would have divorced a long time ago. I was so vulnerable back then that I didn't trust my own thoughts and feelings because he had manipulated, belittled me, made me second guess myself, the porn!!, the stalking with GPS trackers in the car. The indoor cameras that were all over the house and even in our bedroom. He made me double think my own sanity, the outdoor moving cameras all angles on the house, did I mention the porn!! The cheating, and more cheating and finally the big thing that ended our marriage was the STD he got.. (he says a dirty toilet seat) I knew that it was over at that point.
Now, I am not perfect. I got a bad addiction to opiates and it ran it's course and I did alot of damage in the home. I was miserable with myself with everyone around me, the world. The day I got clean I knew was the end of my marriage. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I had to sit with them and really understand why I feel the way I do.
I decided to better myself and really find who I was. I started therapy, I joined a 12 step fellowship. I got a support network. I started to do service in this 12 step fellowship. I got a part time job, started to learn how to apply makeup and make myself look pretty again. I went to school to become a Peer Advocate, and even became a recovery coach! I started too love myself again. I started feeling I wasn't so alone. The more I did the next right thing, the happier I became. I even took domestic violence classes. I started to save money and build a little savings account.. and finally I moved out. So here we are today, finished signing the divorce papers. I am currently living in my own apartment. I am about to work a full time job as a Peer Advocate. Pay my own bills and go back to school to get my masters in Mental Health counseling. I'm living the dream and it only goes up from there.

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#MentalHealth #Anxiety #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

I didn't know taking a shower would be an issue with my bitch of my mother because she has to get up earlier to shower to take care of my grandmother who she wanted to live with her. I can't even dry off before she's complaining that she doesn't have all the time in the world to wait for everyone else because she has stuff to do. I literally take 10 minutes in the shower, and I don't blow dry and fix my hair or wear makeup, so all i have to do is get dressed. I can't take much more of her constant complaining.

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We do recover #AddictionRecovery #Addiction #Recovery #PTSD #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

Today I am healing and thriving. I just left a 24 year marriage with a narcissist husband. It wasn't easy. I drowned myself in my own addiction to opiates. I was miserable at myself and the world. I couldn't figure out why I stayed in this state of misery.
So 4 years ago my soon to be ex-husband choked me out in front of my daughter. I knew at that moment it was time to leave. I was scared of him and what he could do behind closed doors if he could so bluntly do this to me in front of my daughter.
I decided to get myself into recovery and clean myself up. I forced myself to get trauma therapy and take domestic violence classes. I got in a 12 step program and made friends.
As I got myself together, I started to realize all the lies and manipulation my ex had done but I also realized that i had to take accountability for my actions. I learned that I didn't do anything to deserve him to put his hands on me, however what I did do was allow him to treat me in an unloving, uncaring, emotionally, verbally way.
When I finally came to terms it was time for me to leave, I had invested 4 years into this recovery. I went looking for apartments and finally found the cutest small basement apartment close by so that I can still have access to see my son who is 20 and my daughter who is 24 as well as the puppy my ex bought me last year for our anniversary as he knew I was getting ready to leave. It was one last way to control me.
I left 4 months ago. He filed for divorce within 6 weeks of me leaving. I obtained a lawyer as well and we just signed the papers this week. I am full of emotions both good ones and bad ones. It's sad that this is how my forever marriage had to end. I am also very hopeful and optimistic about my future. This year is about healing myself and getting my power back. Also setting boundaries with everyone in my life. To learn and find out what I truly enjoy doing and to take my experiences and help others that are going through this situation. Please know you are not alone!! WE DO RECOVER!!

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Time to start healing

So about 3 months ago I made the decision to leave my marriage of 24 years to my narcissist husband. It took 4 years to get me to this point. I was stuck in my own addiction to numb the pain of feelings and emotions. I was miserable in my marriage but we both didn't believe in divorce and definitely my mom would not be happy should that happen. I was so busy making others happy I forgot who I was and what I wanted in life. When I decided to stop abusing opiates I knew that this marriage would end. There could be no way I would be clean and allow him to treat me the way he treats me. I got into therapy for trauma and I got a support system in a 12 step fellowship.
Last year a friend that I was getting close to pulled me aside and said that I was being abused especially when things got physical. She drove me to a domestic violence location that helps people that are in abusive relationships. Their I sat talking to a woman telling her what I was going through. I mean tears streaming down my cheeks, scared, afraid, and not sure where to turn this woman said to me gently that I am being abused. That my husband was a narcissist. WOW. My world changed that day. I went home looking into this word narcissisism and it has changed my life. My soon to be ex was exactly that type of person they were describing. It was the feeling of not being so alone. That others were going through what I was going through. He already made me think I was crazy and I was even diagnosed with Bipolar which at this time I am being rediagnosed to make sure it isn't PTSD. That one word narcissisism changed everything. I started to take domestic violence classes. I got support from friends and started to open up a little about what I was going through. Everybody said get your stuff together and leave.
Here I am 4 years later and I am standing on my own two feet. I went back to school to become a peer advocate and recovery coach. I started to save money for when I would move out. I got some advice from a lawyer and even got some additional support on an online group that deals with narcissisism.
Well I made the move. Found an apartment that isn't to far from my adult kids and my puppy that my husband bought me last year for our anniversary. Yeah he would buy me things to keep me to stay with him and one was a toy Yorkie that I named Sunshine ☀️.
It's been 3 months. I am still having issues with trust and feelings safe. I am not sleeping through the night still and I am still jumpy when I hear noises. However for the most part I am doing ok.
He did serve me with divorce papers which I knew he would. To think that I would be the one to tell him how things were going to go or even better me neglecting him and leaving was a big blow to his ego.
Today he is still stalking me with a tracker. I found one about 2 months ago. He has the ability to talk my phone as he is the person on the account which gives him permission to see my exact location and gives him access to my emails, phone calls etc. He is a bitter, sad person however today thats not my problem anymore. I made it out and I'm alive! I know I will be ok. It might take a long time to heal. Maybe the rest of my life however I get to have a life today. I can hear the birds chirping today. I'm happier than I have ever been. Thanks to friends, family, support networks, therapy, this website and other websites, and the domestic violence place. Today I am healing. #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Healing #Trauma #Addiction #MentalHealth

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Two depressed parents

I really don’t know what to do.
Because of an infidelity from my father that happened 3 years ago my family just collapsed. My mom is very emotional and that broke her, but she is a christian woman so she doesn’t want divorce and always prayed for God to change my dad, etc. My father has been changing in a bad way since like 7 or 8 years ago. He became very volatile and with a lot of anger issues, and he is very, very immature. Since the infidelity, the family has been walking in a thin rope, but then he was texting another woman 4 months after even tho he was “sorry” for the last time. He always plays the victim and my mom is too forgiving. But my mom changed and is the strongest woman I know. Since then my dad has done a lot of stupid things, he doesn’t change, and 3 months ago, he said a lot of hurtful things to my mom and she told me just 2 days ago that he choked her. I couldn’t process that. I was full of anger. That day 3 months ago she was very sick from her gallbladder (she haves gallbladder stones) because of the stress that caused her and she almost died. I will never forget that day. Yesterday my dad snaped in front of his own family and his mom’s birthday because of a misunderstanding with his brothers and my mom had to calm him.

We thought that he would change from that, but no, yesterday and today has been just him playing victim and “poor me”. I had come to the conclusion that he haves narcissistic personality disorder.
But yesterday he admited that he just wanted to jump infront of a car and die. My mom has been battling depression for 3 years too.

I really really don’t know what to do. I too have so many mental issues but I need to keep this family stable.
I have been begging my mom for her to divorce my dad, but as I said, she is Christian so she doesn’t what to do it and because “it would be so shameful”

It feels like my heart doest belong to me and that it’s beating for 3 people. Like if I crumble everything will end.
I can’t breathe, I don’t know what is peace atp anymore.
I wish I had brothers or sisters so I wouldn’t have to live this alone, but at the end of the day it’s jusm me here, trapped and scared that when I wake up one lf my parents wont be there anymore.
#Depression #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

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Feeling better today!

Well it's Tuesday and I finally got out of the house to go to a doctors appointment. I lost 5 pounds which is great but I didn't do it the right way. I don't eat when I get depressed which really sucks. However the sun is out and it's beautiful here in NY! Today I am gonna look at things differently. I am heading towards acceptance over the loss of my marriage. I have fully felt my feelings and let my emotions show this weekend and I didn't hold back. I know deep down inside he is a good person. I mean he is really good with everybody expect me lol. Today I got my feelings under control and I'm not gonna allow him to take power over me at least for today. I have been reading up on narcissism especially the research papers on narcissism and it's amazing how much my story compares with the people that were apart of the research. So the good news is that my doctors are going to revaluate my diagnosis that I was given a long time ago.. it seems that in these studies the partner of a narcissist started to show symptoms of bipolar. Well that is my diagnosis as well. I'm looking forward to that. All in all I just feel much better all around and I am not gonna allow my feelings and emotions take up anymore rent in my heart and head! Acceptance is the key. #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Divorce #Bipolar #Healing

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Getting closer to feeling myself again

Good morning all! It's Monday morning around 6am here in NY. I slept better than I expected so that's a big plus! I still feel numb over the divorce papers that my narcissist husband served me with last Tuesday. I realized I need to journal about it as I seem to be staying stuck in that feeling of uncertainty. I have already allowed myself to mourn the loss of my husband but I haven't really allowed myself to grieve over my future. I am down right scared about the future. I have a hundred questions and thoughts running through my mind as I'm an overthinker. I think I am still in awe that over the entire relationship. I played my part. I am an addict in recovery. I'm going on 2 years July 2nd 2024. So my addiction played a role in this. However, I still can't get over the fact that I allowed him to mess with my mental state with his lies and cheating ways. It really took a toll on me for awhile.
I'm currently on disability at the moment for my bipolar but I am thinking of getting a full time job. I don't think I can make it alone with just disability and a part time job. The bills are coming in and I still haven't made a budget. It's like everything is so surreal.
Here's to today as we only have the present moments. It's up to me to decide if I want to sit in my shit or get up and start my day. I choose to get up and enjoy the day! For once I have a choice in my life and it feels amazing 😍 #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #monday #Smiling

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Just left my Narcissist husband of 25 years

Just left my Narcissist husband of 25 years about 7 weeks ago. I was so proud of myself for leaving. Well he decided to file divorce papers on me last week. So now I am totally upset over this. I am mourning the loss of our future together right now. He totally abused me and I allowed him too. But when I finally had enough I finally stood up and walked out. I am done with my feelings for him as he ended up getting an STD about 13 months ago and I never slept with him again. So I took down all the cameras and trackers in my car. I found a1bedroom apt and moved. Anyways he is cheating on me so he has moved on obviously! I'm just feeling my feelings today. Thanks for letting me vent! #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

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