Narcissistic Personality Disorder

I needed to share and this is my place to feel comfortable and not feeling judged. I finally got the word that the judge signed my divorce papers July 31st. Although, I am so proud of the work I have put into taking care of myself during this time I am still stuck in some sort of sadness. I was so busy trying to stay strong and confident through this I think I forgot that I still need to grieve. My 26 year marriage is over. It was extremely toxic on both sides. With him displaying narcissistic behavior, and myself stuck in an addiction to numb the misery. I just need to say that it's ok to not be ok. It's time for me to reflect and give myself some grace. I need to accept how I feel and allow myself to heal. I just want it to happen like yesterday. (yes I'm impatient!! Lol) I know it's gonna take time but as long as I am finding a positive way to vent what I'm feeling and thinking I know everything will be ok.

As much as I would like to find the positive in life, today I ran out of money and medication. Since ruining my bowels cycling through medication to treat the chronic pain, I've started relying on cannabis to take the edge off without all the complications of pharmaceuticals.

I've been trying to get in touch with my dad since last friday, but he's not picking up. If he doesn't pick up, it's because he doesn't want to speak to me. He suffers from untreated chronic depression.

Without his help I can't afford medication. Without it, life becomes a walking nightmare. The thought of neither parents caring enough to be a part of my life does not help the physical suffering.

I asked my sister for help, but she can't afford it. My mother will tell me to get a job, as she's the main reason I suffer in the first place. When I asked her what she would do if my health deteriorated even more, she told me "i don't know" and still she continues to ask me to get a job. I don't know becomes I don't care, as I'm told to figure it out. It's just so odd telling that to someone who spends half his days in bed, unable to move, and its weird to hear it from someone who has recognized being abusive to her children. Narcissism is the ultimate drug.

It seems like I will have to suffer again, to the point where it feels I am losing a piece of myself. Either that, or beg for 20$.

I grow food, yet no one I know feels like buying it, and people buy so little at the farmers market, so I have to beg for money. No one I know wants to step in my garden, let alone help me maintain it. No one I know wants to put any effort into their relationships, unless it's through money, which is why I have to ask my father for funds instead of actual support. I very much feel as though antisocial behavior is now the norm.

While I am waitlisted for an EDS assessment in Toronto, I search abuse services, and I find nothing. So I keep gardening and begging for money. Sometimes it isn't enough.

My sister, who receive disability funds, cannot get access to counselling, and so I, with no such funding, can hardly expect better. My family doctor is so incredibly apathetic all the actual help I've gotten has been from massotherapists and chiropractors. My doctor prescribes dangerous medication and sends me to specialists more apathetic than her. At our last meeting, she didn't hear a word I said and instead accused me of being late for my appointment and making her late for dinner. I had been waiting for her.

All of which would be bearable if only this physical pain wasn't so freaking horrible. #Migraine #Abuse #ChronicPain #Depression #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

[image description: a selfie of jazz posing with a poorly done finger gun pointed at her head as she looks off to the side while sticking out her tongue]

hi everyone!

i ended up opening the app by chance & saw the notifications to replies i never got 😭it was really heartwarming & encouraging to read them all because they were all replies to my piece on BPD. i had taken a break from writing because i felt like i was just annoyingly yapping loudly into the void & thought, “surely someone else who’s way better can write these thoughts”. i was also struggling a lot with surviving—literally. just trying actively not to die from both MIs and physical ones. it was not easy & i’ll write more on that later. but for expect some more pieces soon! i’ve recently had a really bad encounter with someone i thought was okay and safe but they ended up equating BPD to abuse and toxicity. i know that the demonization, misinfo & stigma has always been there. but i feel like as people are learning basic psych, they are picking up & wholeheartedly embracing Cluster B hate. i used to have my own bias that i’ve unlearned—it may not look like it to a lot but nearly a decade of trauma work is a LOT & you come out knowing a lot of stuff you wish you knew early. anyways, i will write more about
#clusterb which includes #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ASPD #AntisocialPersonalityDisorder #npd #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #HPD #HistrionicPersonalityDisorder because SO many people equate us with inherently being toxic and/or abusive when that is FALSE. so many people don’t know what “Mad Studies” (sub sect of “Crip Studies”/Disability Studies) are nor do they know what “sanism” is. they think fields like Psychology & Psychiatry can’t possibly be affected by bias or the same systemic issues that affect the rest of society. i mean look at the history of why CPTSD was created. again, i’ll cover this more in a piece i will submit soon…which i’m preparing to get hammered by hate 🤡 so here i go off to write my thoughts fueled by spite, trauma & all your support!
all the best
♡ x jazzy

I wanted to see what other peoples thoughts are on this topic. I know for myself the two categories go hand in hand. I was in a 26 year marriage with my narcissist husband. I found myself using to numb the misery I was in. Now I'm not using this as an excuse. I definitely am accountable for my actions today and noone put a drug in my system except for myself. However, I do know using numbed the fear of the inevitable, divorce. I knew that I deserved better, but I didn't know how to find better. I also didn't want to believe this man that says he loves me could treat me this way.
After realizing that this marriage was not working, I decided to get help for myself so I could become stronger and more independent.
I came into recovery in May of 2020. Now I did have a relapse the first time I tried to leave. I currently have over 2 years back. That relapse made me realize that my ex was my trigger and I had to leave if I were to ever get better. So I worked my ass off. Took domestic violence classes, joined trauma therapy, learned all I could about narcissism, and got into a 12 step fellowship. I knew I needed support from others that have gone through this.
Here I am today. I still feel like I'm having withdrawals from leaving my marriage 6 months ago. I find myself still reaching out to him, helping him, and asking for his help or even advice. I do know today I have to be patient with myself. I have to acknowledge my feelings and emotions. Today I am kinder and more caring towards myself. I am realizing that I survived and came out on the other side happier, more resilient, and definitely more accepting.

I started my new job yesterday and I was super excited and nervous but something was off. I couldn't figure it out until I was driving home and the tears came pouring out. I realized for 26 years I told my narcissist husband everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I search for some type of approval from him still. What I just couldn't comprehend is after 6 months of moving out and learning to move on and making boundaries I still wanted to contact him. It's frustrating and shameful. I feel shame because he hurt me physically, emotionally, verbally, and spiritually. Why would I want to go back? I start thinking what's wrong with me? Then I have to stop, and breathe. I have to remember why I left. I have overcome addiction because it was easier to numb my misery with him with a substance than to face the fact that our marriage was over. It took 10 years to get to were I am today. I never gave up on me. So why am I gonna give up now? I decided to make a list of good qualities and why I have gratitude. What a difference it made! I am so blessed to be able to look back on my life 6 months ago. I was a shell of a person. I had to seek approval from everyone because it was a learned behavior with my ex. I was afraid to do anything that he wouldn't be happy with.
Today, I don't live like this. I am learning to be self sufficient. I am learning to be loving and caring to myself. I have made a life outside the abuse and I truly love it. I smile today more than I have in years. I do things that I never thought I could ever do. I am starting a new job as a Peer Advocate with a huge company. My life is just starting and it's getting better day by day. I must remember to love myself more. Be easy on myself more and remember healing takes time. Be patient!

So I didn't want to share this yet, but for some reason I felt today was the day to let everyone know I signed and he signed the divorce papers! It has been a long, long rode to get to here today. It's a bitter sweet feeling. I still feel like a failure. That I failed my kids who are now 20 and 24 and in a way I did. They had to be around the toxicity and that wasn't good for them. If I could have done things differently I would have divorced a long time ago. I was so vulnerable back then that I didn't trust my own thoughts and feelings because he had manipulated, belittled me, made me second guess myself, the porn!!, the stalking with GPS trackers in the car. The indoor cameras that were all over the house and even in our bedroom. He made me double think my own sanity, the outdoor moving cameras all angles on the house, did I mention the porn!! The cheating, and more cheating and finally the big thing that ended our marriage was the STD he got.. (he says a dirty toilet seat) I knew that it was over at that point.
Now, I am not perfect. I got a bad addiction to opiates and it ran it's course and I did alot of damage in the home. I was miserable with myself with everyone around me, the world. The day I got clean I knew was the end of my marriage. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I had to sit with them and really understand why I feel the way I do.
I decided to better myself and really find who I was. I started therapy, I joined a 12 step fellowship. I got a support network. I started to do service in this 12 step fellowship. I got a part time job, started to learn how to apply makeup and make myself look pretty again. I went to school to become a Peer Advocate, and even became a recovery coach! I started too love myself again. I started feeling I wasn't so alone. The more I did the next right thing, the happier I became. I even took domestic violence classes. I started to save money and build a little savings account.. and finally I moved out. So here we are today, finished signing the divorce papers. I am currently living in my own apartment. I am about to work a full time job as a Peer Advocate. Pay my own bills and go back to school to get my masters in Mental Health counseling. I'm living the dream and it only goes up from there.