Narcissistic Personality Disorder

So I didn't want to share this yet, but for some reason I felt today was the day to let everyone know I signed and he signed the divorce papers! It has been a long, long rode to get to here today. It's a bitter sweet feeling. I still feel like a failure. That I failed my kids who are now 20 and 24 and in a way I did. They had to be around the toxicity and that wasn't good for them. If I could have done things differently I would have divorced a long time ago. I was so vulnerable back then that I didn't trust my own thoughts and feelings because he had manipulated, belittled me, made me second guess myself, the porn!!, the stalking with GPS trackers in the car. The indoor cameras that were all over the house and even in our bedroom. He made me double think my own sanity, the outdoor moving cameras all angles on the house, did I mention the porn!! The cheating, and more cheating and finally the big thing that ended our marriage was the STD he got.. (he says a dirty toilet seat) I knew that it was over at that point.
Now, I am not perfect. I got a bad addiction to opiates and it ran it's course and I did alot of damage in the home. I was miserable with myself with everyone around me, the world. The day I got clean I knew was the end of my marriage. I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I had to sit with them and really understand why I feel the way I do.
I decided to better myself and really find who I was. I started therapy, I joined a 12 step fellowship. I got a support network. I started to do service in this 12 step fellowship. I got a part time job, started to learn how to apply makeup and make myself look pretty again. I went to school to become a Peer Advocate, and even became a recovery coach! I started too love myself again. I started feeling I wasn't so alone. The more I did the next right thing, the happier I became. I even took domestic violence classes. I started to save money and build a little savings account.. and finally I moved out. So here we are today, finished signing the divorce papers. I am currently living in my own apartment. I am about to work a full time job as a Peer Advocate. Pay my own bills and go back to school to get my masters in Mental Health counseling. I'm living the dream and it only goes up from there.

Today I am healing and thriving. I just left a 24 year marriage with a narcissist husband. It wasn't easy. I drowned myself in my own addiction to opiates. I was miserable at myself and the world. I couldn't figure out why I stayed in this state of misery.
So 4 years ago my soon to be ex-husband choked me out in front of my daughter. I knew at that moment it was time to leave. I was scared of him and what he could do behind closed doors if he could so bluntly do this to me in front of my daughter.
I decided to get myself into recovery and clean myself up. I forced myself to get trauma therapy and take domestic violence classes. I got in a 12 step program and made friends.
As I got myself together, I started to realize all the lies and manipulation my ex had done but I also realized that i had to take accountability for my actions. I learned that I didn't do anything to deserve him to put his hands on me, however what I did do was allow him to treat me in an unloving, uncaring, emotionally, verbally way.
When I finally came to terms it was time for me to leave, I had invested 4 years into this recovery. I went looking for apartments and finally found the cutest small basement apartment close by so that I can still have access to see my son who is 20 and my daughter who is 24 as well as the puppy my ex bought me last year for our anniversary as he knew I was getting ready to leave. It was one last way to control me.
I left 4 months ago. He filed for divorce within 6 weeks of me leaving. I obtained a lawyer as well and we just signed the papers this week. I am full of emotions both good ones and bad ones. It's sad that this is how my forever marriage had to end. I am also very hopeful and optimistic about my future. This year is about healing myself and getting my power back. Also setting boundaries with everyone in my life. To learn and find out what I truly enjoy doing and to take my experiences and help others that are going through this situation. Please know you are not alone!! WE DO RECOVER!!

#PTSD #Relationships #Trauma #Abuse #Codependency #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder

Well it's Tuesday and I finally got out of the house to go to a doctors appointment. I lost 5 pounds which is great but I didn't do it the right way. I don't eat when I get depressed which really sucks. However the sun is out and it's beautiful here in NY! Today I am gonna look at things differently. I am heading towards acceptance over the loss of my marriage. I have fully felt my feelings and let my emotions show this weekend and I didn't hold back. I know deep down inside he is a good person. I mean he is really good with everybody expect me lol. Today I got my feelings under control and I'm not gonna allow him to take power over me at least for today. I have been reading up on narcissism especially the research papers on narcissism and it's amazing how much my story compares with the people that were apart of the research. So the good news is that my doctors are going to revaluate my diagnosis that I was given a long time ago.. it seems that in these studies the partner of a narcissist started to show symptoms of bipolar. Well that is my diagnosis as well. I'm looking forward to that. All in all I just feel much better all around and I am not gonna allow my feelings and emotions take up anymore rent in my heart and head! Acceptance is the key. #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #Divorce #Bipolar #Healing

Good morning all! It's Monday morning around 6am here in NY. I slept better than I expected so that's a big plus! I still feel numb over the divorce papers that my narcissist husband served me with last Tuesday. I realized I need to journal about it as I seem to be staying stuck in that feeling of uncertainty. I have already allowed myself to mourn the loss of my husband but I haven't really allowed myself to grieve over my future. I am down right scared about the future. I have a hundred questions and thoughts running through my mind as I'm an overthinker. I think I am still in awe that over the entire relationship. I played my part. I am an addict in recovery. I'm going on 2 years July 2nd 2024. So my addiction played a role in this. However, I still can't get over the fact that I allowed him to mess with my mental state with his lies and cheating ways. It really took a toll on me for awhile.
I'm currently on disability at the moment for my bipolar but I am thinking of getting a full time job. I don't think I can make it alone with just disability and a part time job. The bills are coming in and I still haven't made a budget. It's like everything is so surreal.
Here's to today as we only have the present moments. It's up to me to decide if I want to sit in my shit or get up and start my day. I choose to get up and enjoy the day! For once I have a choice in my life and it feels amazing 😍 #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #monday #Smiling

Just left my Narcissist husband of 25 years about 7 weeks ago. I was so proud of myself for leaving. Well he decided to file divorce papers on me last week. So now I am totally upset over this. I am mourning the loss of our future together right now. He totally abused me and I allowed him too. But when I finally had enough I finally stood up and walked out. I am done with my feelings for him as he ended up getting an STD about 13 months ago and I never slept with him again. So I took down all the cameras and trackers in my car. I found a1bedroom apt and moved. Anyways he is cheating on me so he has moved on obviously! I'm just feeling my feelings today. Thanks for letting me vent! #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder