Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

When "Don't talk like that" really means "You need to just suffer silently, please" the scars can run deep.

There are a lot of unique circumstances leading up to this, but my circumstances have nothing to do with why this is important. I'm writing because I want to help save someone. The person I want to help is suffering, and it's slowly getting worse. This person lives with a harrowing agony and is suffocating inside. You might even know this person. You might even be this person. If so, this is for you and I need you to know that you are not alone.

My name is Heather. I am living with knowing, seeing, feeling, and hating the fact that I am dying. In my opinion, it doesn't change anything whether a person is dying from a terminal illness, suicidal ideation, or killing themselves with an addiction, there's still inevitably a deep suffering involved and an excruciating loneliness that only adds to the level of pain one experiences.

Years ago, I told my mom about some of my medical conditions. My mom essentially expressed her opinion that I am just too full of self-pity. She called me a victim. She went on tell other members of my family that I was only claiming my conditions to get people's attention. I'd like to address her claims now. She said I am too full of self-pity. Maybe she's right. I admit to moments (more now as my condition progresses) when I am absolutely feeling sorry for myself. Who wouldn't? I lack grace and dignity sometimes. If she could do this better than me, by all means, I'd like her to teach me how. She said I am a victim. Really? No, mom. I am not claiming victim. Yes, it sucks. No, I am not always grateful to be alive, but I am not running around blaming anyone for what's happened in my life. I go directly to God and tell him when I'm pissed off because this sucks, but I am not playing victim. She also said I was just trying to get people's attention. Am I? OF COURSE I AM! But not like she thinks. I am scared, sad, angry, lonely, and I don't know how to cope. I'm creating a will, sorting out which of my beloved things will go to whom, wondering when I pay a bill if I'll be here to do it again next month, checking things off my bucket list, making sure people know I love them, and still trying to navigate like I'm normal. I pretend to have strength I don't have. I fake like I think everything is going to be ok. I put on makeup when I don't care how I look, wash dishes when I don't really care if they're dirty, and I google funny jokes just so I'll have stuff to talk about that isn't depressing. I do al l kinds of things that don't make sense. But if attention seeking was really the truth, wouldn't I make up a better story? Like I won a prize or something? Then I'd get happy, celebrating attention.

I ache to feel some kind of connection with anyone who can relate, or with anyone who might just need to be heard.

A persistent sense of being paralyzed in the face of life's challenges, believing they lack the initiative or ability to change their circumstances. #PTSD #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression

A persistent sense of being paralyzed in the face of life's challenges, believing they lack the initiative or ability to change their circumstances. #PTSD #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression

A core belief that they are not good enough, unlovable, or permanently damaged beyond repair. This can lead to difficulty accepting compliments or positive feedback #PTSD #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression

A core belief that they are not good enough, unlovable, or permanently damaged beyond repair. This can lead to difficulty accepting compliments or positive feedback #PTSD #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression

A deep, persistent feeling of being fundamentally flawed, dirty, or shameful. The individual often blames themselves for the trauma, believing, for instance, that "I must be worthless for this to have happened to me. #PTSD #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression

A deep, persistent feeling of being fundamentally flawed, dirty, or shameful. The individual often blames themselves for the trauma, believing, for instance, that "I must be worthless for this to have happened to me. #PTSD #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression

These issues stem from the chronic, prolonged, and often interpersonal nature of the trauma (e.g., childhood abuse or neglect), which occurs during critical developmental periods, fundamentally disrupting the formation of a stable, positive sense of self. #PTSD #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depresion

These issues stem from the chronic, prolonged, and often interpersonal nature of the trauma (e.g., childhood abuse or neglect), which occurs during critical developmental periods, fundamentally disrupting the formation of a stable, positive sense of self. #PTSD #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depresion

Teaches concrete communication skills to help individuals ask for what they need and say "no" (set boundaries) while maintaining self-respect and the relationship. #PTSD #CPTSD #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression