Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I did it. I’ve wanted a bike for years. I have flashbacks around wanting things but that has been a bit easier after months of work in EMDR. But going through the steps to actually get the thing I want still triggers intense emotional flashbacks. My husband helped me through it. When we got to the used bike shop I was lost and dissociated just standing next to the bikes. He gently encouraged me to get on some of the bikes and try them out. It took awhile to pick one, but I did it despite my brain being thick with derealization. I had one moment of joy, actually grinning while riding my new, dirty, brake squeaking bike. Then the second round of flashbacks kicked in, my nervous system bracing to be ridiculed and shamed for getting something I wanted.
The rest of the evening I struggled with the aftermath of the flashbacks.

And yet… I did it! I cleaned the bike up and my husband is ordering new brake pads. A year ago I would have talked myself out of doing this. I’ve talked myself out of things I want for years. I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of dread from some unknown source. But my bike is still outside and I can go for a bike ride today. It feels like baby steps and yet like 30 years of time travel. I feel grateful and anxious and hopeful and exhausted all mixed into a confusing ball. But I’m also so proud of myself. #PTSD #ComplexPTSD #emotionalflashbacks #EatingDisorder #Anorexia

I've come to the realization that I've been subjected to abuse my whole life both subtle and other. I just picked up on the fact that my mother has not only enabled the narcissistic abuse that has happened, but she has chosen men over me. I feel like I really do have to grieve over a mother I never had. I've never felt so neglected in my life. Let alone be abandoned by both parents in a number of ways. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma

Life used to be imbued with urgency.

Before, there was no time to reflect, no past to learn from, and no future to grasp onto. It was life or death reactions in a blink of an eye, with no capacity for long-term consequences. Tunnel-vision survival: just get through it.

But now, a pause allows us to see whether our past is coloring our current perceptions. It gives opportunity to respond according to our own values and standards; to free ourselves from the shackles of trauma, from our history, from preestablished scripts.

I don’t have to stay victim to how I was molded. We can choose what we say and how we say it, and we can let the dust settle first. We can take a beat, take a breath, and take the chance at living consciously, intentionally, and authentically Me.

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #DissociativeIdentityDisorder