I had a pretty serious and devastating conversation with my fiancé the other night and I’m struggling to come to peace with it. I have been diagnosed with hyper cortisol and PTSD/anxiety so I am well aware I have a lot of emotions…some of these are surrounding some cheating behaviors on his part and dishonesty and really big blowups between us in which I didn’t handle my emotions well. It’s been several years and we have been working with a counselor at our church to get back on track and work on our relationship.
Since then, we have been communicating in a much better way, but I feel like I have a ton of anxiety still and coping with all the stressors of life…I’m the primary bread winner so there’s pressure with that, overcoming past trauma and betrayal, and recently had surgery that will have some lasting effects so long story short: I’ve had some emotional moments (crying, insomnia, call him at work to calm down, paranoid thoughts about the cheating etc).
Last night he flat out told me he “can’t wait for me to go to bed sometimes and prays I stay asleep because that’s the only way he gets some peace.” He also said “there’s a reason I prefer to go out with friends with you sometimes because I know you won’t burst into tears or ‘drag me into a counseling session’” to use his words. “Why can’t you just be happy and peaceful for just one day??” I think he was being honest and sincere. He said he simply can’t deal with it and he needs me to stop making it a part of our daily life. He said “you aren’t honesty doing all that you can. You have the ability and just won’t do it”.
This just broke my heart to see what a burden I am to him, and don’t feel like that’s healthy for either of us. I recognize that at times I am pretty all over the place, and have been crying more than usual and feel shaky and insecure. That’s not where I want to be with other but it’s also far from where I was.
However, I also have a problem with this because I’m making it work: I’m holding down a very stressful quota driven sales job, going to counseling 1x1 weekly, and have a psychiatrist I am working with too. I make sure I take care of him and his daughter in so many ways, including forgiving his past lies, an t stings that this is my one area of need right now (insecurity, ptsd, anxiety) that he’s rejecting me for.
I know this is long but my heart just aches and I’m not sure where to go with it. I’m going to try his way out- I don’t care if the building is on fire I’m not going to mention anything emotional to him for at least 3 weeks to give it a try and see what if anything in the relationship changes. It may even be good for me. I would just be curious if anyone has perspective on this for me to think about in the meantime or been through anything similar…?
Thank you in advance. Sucks and hurts. #Anxiety #PTSD #Relationships #Cortisol #CPTSD