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#BipolarDepression #dailylife #Relationships #serverlife
It's hard being Bipolar. It's hard on the person affected daily but also ur family doesn't ask for this.. your children, your mom and grandparents want to know what they did wrong. Nothing! We r born this way. It's especially hard for people that want to love u romantically and u make damn sure they can't. I purposely have driven people off, ghosted them, caused such a scene they had no choice but to leave me. It took me being alone, reflecting, tons of fired therapist and medication I refuse to take now. I'm not violent. Never have been. I take so much from the world I explode at the very most improper times and on the people that try with me. Today isn't my worst day but it's ranking in the top 10 of moments I recall over the years. I flat out told my current partner within 10 instant messages this is hell. This is something we learn to adapt into the world of people that are dubbed normal. It's hell on the patient, the families, care givers, fuck idk how the few decent men I've picked even wanted to try. I made sure that they couldn't. There are woman that are legit attention whores and try to be controlling CRAZY just to get a reaction. I'm not that. Every day I learn something new in the world. I also learn something new about 2/3 x a month about my illness. It's scary. I'm not alone. The invention of social media has many downfalls like so many, but it also has made me know that whether in canada, australia or alaska there is someone like me. That is so relieving when ur 23 year old therapist says your their first for whatever symptom u display that day. Oh no sweetie I'm not. Today is not my best day. I also vocalized that and some pretty other insane ramblings to my partner. I know he gets depress3d , I know he's a nervous person. Some of our quirks are even the same. We laugh a whole lot which is wonderful but sometimes I say or do things that no one knows what to respond to. I get" I love you don't forget that. It's okay. Please be okay. I know I don't understand completely but I still love you" my lastest excuse is it's not fair to you or anyone else to deal with this. That didn't work either. Maybe he genuinely does love me. I love him. I hope it's an equal amount. The doubt The doubt is my biggest concern. The first one that does try to overstep my feelings and chaos inside. Who literally doesn't know what to say and is quiet and just hold my hand or my hair and lets me ramble. It's not always gonna be like that I'm very sure of that. When my honesty from the get go was probably my biggest mistake. No one says "hi. How are you feeling today? Just so u know I'm Bipolar and it sucks" if I was considered a " normies" I would have bolted. I know. Hopefully he doesn't but I have to expect any partner to. I should not give any relationship romantic wise a 5 year cap. I do though. Not because I want to fail. Inevitable that it does. I'm afraid. Of myself. I make terrible humor about myself and my past. You have to. I'm funny sometimes even.
